


The Evolution of Nyongtory

by victoriousdragon



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Character Development, Fluff, G-Ri, M/M, Nyongtory, POV First Person, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-26 22:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 60,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7592758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victoriousdragon/pseuds/victoriousdragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A recollection of the beginning of Nyongtory and how it develops throughout the years of BIGBANG, as told by Seungri.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Foreword

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally posted on asianfanfics.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is purely fictional, although I am basing parts of this from various facts, fan accounts, and interviews from bigbangupdates, soompi forums, tumblr, and twitter
> 
> Additional Note: I refer to Seungri's age in Western years up until about chapter 31. I apologize for the confusion.
> 
> \---

     Jiyong was YG's golden child. He was everything that I wasn't.

     It was so overly apparent. Before I even knew his face, I had already heard the rumors. Hell, everyone was better than me. I was no comparison and it hurt. I had a constantly open wound, exposed to the polluted air, lacking oxygen. I ran, I sprinted, I climbed. There would always be a boundary between me and my _hyungs._

     Limits, impossibilities, responsibilities, boundaries, lies. I was growing up, trying to make something of myself. Dad was a drunkard and a smoker for awhile and we were in debt. Mom worked in some vague, small shop somewhere that I was too embarrassed to visit or even acknowledge. Hanna was doing what all little sisters do and was getting on my nerves. I was mad and frustrated with myself and the world, just a teenager who probably would have rebelled if it weren't for dancing and entertaining.

     I became a YG trainee somehow after making a fool of myself countless times. I couldn't yet control my emotions, my way of speech, or even my very own limbs at times.

     Everything became a challenge. Burdens, stress. Mistakes, failures. A bitter stench of Dad's stale cigarettes and my own sweat. A blurry vision of nothing graspable, just a field of black as if my eyes were closed. And, of course, countless voices, hip hop tunes on repeat with its deafeningly heavy bass, and grunts of disapproval.

     I wouldn't say Jiyong was my savior. Our first meeting was rather uneventful, in fact. No butterflies and sunshine and rainbows, no miraculous heart-to-heart.

     He was just there, YG's golden child. And I was nothing.


	2. 2005-2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was maknae.

He'd roll his eyes at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I remember thinking how dark and cold those eyes were.

He was displeased and annoyed. There was always something we could work on. He was meticulous and harsh.

Jiyong was cold towards me and I deserved it. I needed to be put in my place; I wasn't Lee Seunghyun from Gwanju's award-winning dance team Il Hwa. No, not here in YG, in Seoul. I wasn't the oldest brother or the respected eldest son.

I was _maknae_.

I became _Little Seunghyun_ , stripped of what little reputation I had. I was once a big fish in a small pond, and now here I was in Seoul, drowning. I couldn't breathe in the cramped compartments of our first dorm. I missed my mother. I was teased by the hyungs. I was only fifteen. My voice was breaking, my eyes burned from lack of sleep, and my muscles ached. I lived and died and lived again as I let the coaches and trainers take and take from me. There was never enough time in our schedules. It would take years to catch up to the others, if I even could, and I had only months.

So, in the end, I wasn't enough. I would never be the kind of flawless and perfect that Jiyong wanted. Instead, though still displeased with my abilities, he attached himself to me, slowly but surely.

I could only continue to look at those crooked teeth, chapped lips, and bitten-to-the-nub fingernails. His bony arms would reach up to his mouth to cover his laugh after he sneered at me and asked me to be cute and silly. I think he gave up on trying to change me, so he stopped treating me seriously and I became a new, shiny toy.

I was _maknae_.

The youngest. Baby cheeks. I refused to cut my hair, hoping the long fringe would cover those childish features. My girlfriend in high school liked my hair too.

I was _maknae_.

I took everything in with my own eyes and judged my surroundings just as harshly as I was being judged. I was presumed to be the weakest and the least experienced.

I was _maknae_.

I developed a thick skin in response to those so-called weaknesses. So what if my parents were in debt? I was going to make it. Push through. Act tough.

I don't even know how Jiyong saw through my facade. I hated it. I still couldn't deal with him, so I did what I could to give us distance. I didn't want to be the toy. I had scratches, and maybe he played with me so much that his eyes finally narrowed in onto the manufactured details.

I tried to distance myself, but he picked up on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sources used:
> 
> http://godlovesrice.tumblr.com/post/9614834938/extract-quoting-day-7-seungris-shout-to-the-world
> 
> http://fyeahseungri.com/post/9866074972/so2tw-seungri-thirteen-so-what-if-its-difficult


	3. 2005-2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is this okay?" he whispered in the dark.
> 
> Absolutely not.

I awoke in my dorm once his ice-cold toes had brushed against my shin.

"Go get some socks," I mumbled.

His teeth were chattering and I could feel the erratic pace of his heartbeat through the old springs of my mattress. He didn't say anything.

"Hyung."

He let out a shaky breath and proceeded to pull _my_ blanket covers over his head. I swear, I owned nothing to him.

"Hyung!"

He groaned and shifted around in the sheets.

"Ugh. I'm sorry, ok? Aish. She scared the shit out of me."

"Who?"

"The ghost."

"There's a ghost? Here?"

He clucked his tongue at me and was probably rolling his eyes in the dark.

"Yah V. How did you not know? Seunghyun has seen her too."

I was too tired to argue. Its not like his little encounter with a ghost would keep me awake. He was still catching his breath.

"I'm going to stay here for a while, ok?"

I groaned and asked him why it had to be with _me_ , in _my_ room. His voice got snarky.

"You're always so on-edge, especially around me, so you produce more body heat."

I guess he had a point, so I made room for him, distanced myself on the far edge of my mattress, and turned my back to him to face the wall.

I thought about the situation. It was late. Seunghyun and Youngbae shared a room together while Jiyong and I had our own rooms. Daesung's father wouldn't let him stay in the dorms. And now I was just informed that the dorm was occupied by a "friendly ghost." Such is life. I actually envied Daesung for not having to put up with this.

At some point I had drifted off, but once again I was awoken by Jiyong. I flinched as I felt an arm dangle across my stomach. Youngbae had warned me before that he liked to hold onto things in his sleep. I thought he meant pillows or teddy bears, not _people_. What the hell, wasn't Jiyong eighteen?

"Is this okay?" he whispered in the dark.

Absolutely not.

"Ugh..."

My hesitation floated in the air in a thick fog. Jiyong quickly peeled his arm off of me.

"Fine," he spit out as he proceeded to lift himself off my bed and finally retreated to his own room. I was left alone and was content.

 

Two days later, I finally met the ghost in our small kitchen. I heard a small, fluttery laugh as I approached the rice cooker for a late evening snack. My hairs stood up and I was a little frazzled, of course. Seeking my hyungs for comfort would just make me a target for embarrassment and further teasing, so I walked briskly back to my own room without my rice.

"Yah! Out there! Go turn off the light!"

Jiyong yelled at me from his room. For once his door was open and he was actually observant enough to see a light on outside in the hallway, I guess.

Groaning, I gathered up the courage to enter the kitchen where I was just spooked. I might as well get that bowl of rice. I started eating it as I turned off the lights and walked back to my room. The chopsticks moved along with my still-shaking hands.

I ate in silence. Maybe a small part of me _wanted_ Jiyong to check up on me. Whatever. I could fend for myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fact no. 21 about the ghost: http://ygbiased.tumblr.com/facts


	4. 2005-2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the time the meeting was over, we had a date set for our debut and a new piece of information about the maknae to tease him with.

I met my first girlfriend a little before I was accepted into YG, back before Il Hwa disbanded. We dated for three years, and I really did love her. I approached her after I found her in a crowd at school. She glistened and sparkled in the audience as I danced on our school gymnasium's stage with my dance team. She was lovely, she was what I wanted, she loved me even when I _wasn't_ perfect.

That being said, I couldn't spend much time with her once I became a trainee. I was too tired, too busy, but we texted and talked and ate lunch together at school and that was enough for us. She was patient with me when I couldn't visit her. I did my best to keep my relationships private once I was around the hyungs, but sometimes I made slip-ups.

Jiyong had a girlfriend too, though he was equally as private about his relationships. I guess that was at least one thing we had in common. It surprised me when he showed me a photo of her on his phone during one of our album meetings.

"That's J," he whispered.

I didn't really know what to say, so I showed him a photo of my own high school sweetheart. He looked incredulous.

"Oh shit! Baby maknae has a girlfriend?" He covered his knuckles over his mouth and cackled. "So what do you two do, push each other on the swing set?"

I immediately regretted my actions. He kept snickering during the meeting. By the time the meeting was over, we had a date set for our debut and a new piece of information about the maknae to tease him with. I wanted to slump into the office chair in the meeting room, but I could only sit up straight as I was being judged.

Jiyong had a particular smile plastered on his face when he would look at me or tease me. I noticed that smile that day. I hadn't really noticed it before because I had grown accustomed to only focusing on his crooked teeth.

Across the meeting table, Jiyong kept his eyes on me as he leaned in towards Youngbae sitting next to him to whisper something.

"Maknae is cute."

Youngbae laughed lightly and his eyes became flipped-down crescents.

"Did you know he has a girlfriend?"

Youngbae looked at me, then back at Jiyong.

"Really? But he's _our_ maknae, right?"

"Exactly!"

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.

Somewhere along those following weeks, he'd start asking me about high school and my girlfriend. I wouldn't say much, but he smiled, nonetheless.

In front of the cameras that documented us, he'd say things like "maknae isn't just hers~" and it eventually developed into "maknae is ours~" by him and Youngbae.

2006 came, we debuted in August and started getting busier and I got more claustrophobic as we were all squished closer together in recording booths, photoshoot break rooms, and the managers' cars.

From then on, it only got harder to try breaking myself off of him. I still didn't like him. I still flinched when he tried to pet me.

And then, out of no where, in the recording booth in front of the cameras that followed us everywhere, he used a sing-song voice to announce into the microphone "maknae is mine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Maknae is mine!" source : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rzq9JENewlA


	5. 2006-2007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knew I was being difficult, but I absolutely refused to be the toy, the pet.

Our first full studio album came out three days before Christmas. I had recently turned sixteen.

We got into the flow of promotions, radio shows, interviews, and our first concert. A month later, it was 2007 and there were no breaks. We went right into working on new material and another concert tour. We slept in a tour bus and hotel rooms as we traveled across Incheon, Daugu, Changwon, Jeonju, and Busan. It was exhausting, but at the same time, I lived for it. I was alive on stage.

I felt different. I _looked_ different. With the new song material came a new concept, so a stylist noona cut my hair. I couldn't hide my face anymore.

Jiyong said he really liked the change. _Maknae is cute_. He watched the hair stylist with hawk eyes as I sat in a salon makeup chair and had the length trimmed off.

Once the task at hand was said and done, Jiyong bowed and thanked the stylist and proceeded to ruffle up the top of my hair. He grinned lazily and slowly tangled his fingers into the hairs at the back of my neck.

I shuddered, utterly uncomfortable.

"Hyung. Stop."

I got up from the makeup chair, forcing his hands off me. I took one last glimpse at my reflection in the mirror in front of me and did my best to look at Jiyong dead-in-the-eye and crossed my arms.

"Hyung. You can't do stuff like that."

"Maknae~ You know I'm just playing around. Its not like there's any cameras here to embarrass you."

Cameras or not, I still didn't like it. I knew better than to talk back, so I walked out of the stylist's studio salon in silence and quickly climbed into the manager's car parked right outside. Jiyong quickly followed behind and occupied the front passenger seat while I sulked in the back. Not a word was said on the way to the YG studio to meet up with the other members.

I knew I was being difficult, but I absolutely refused to be the toy, the pet. If I didn't stand up for myself, surely the fans and outsiders would start thinking Jiyong and I were _lovers_. He was just so _clingy_. I had to set the record straight in any way that I could.

 

\---

 

Our first mini album came out in August, a few days before Jiyong's nineteenth birthday. I'd never really seen him so stressed before. Our title track was _Lies_ , and there was this sad look in his eyes when we talked about how he wrote the melody and the lyrics. Before the album came out, we started the tiresome production of making a music video for _Lies_. Jiyong would carefully tug at the topknot of brown, mousy hair on his head and sigh in between takes of waving his arms around at the camera.

For the jail scene, we had to dance around a set behind bars at an old school gymnasium. It was late, and shooting had to take a break for an hour to style Jiyong's long front bangs into tiny dreadlocks. When filming picked up again, the gymnasium was even darker. There was an odd chill that scared all of us, really. It was diffucult to concentrate. We wanted to return home and finish up the shooting tomorrow, but _tomorrow_ was a whole new schedule. There wouldn't be time.

The staff finally called the shoot a wrap at a little past three in the morning. After we all clapped and bowed, I felt a hand slip against my wrist. Jiyong stood next to me. I flinched. He didn't let go.

"Its scary in here, isn't it maknae? Aren't you scared too?"

I sighed. I just wanted to get out of here, so I let him keep his hand entwined with mine for once because this time, he was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seungri's day in the Great concert: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aE5wl_8mOaI
> 
> Making of Lies MV: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAxcLriSYmc


	6. 2007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain and exhaustion took over, but there were some victories too.

Between our first and second mini-album, we recorded full-English songs at YG during September and October. Those recordings would become the songs for our debut in Japan to be released at the beginning of 2008, but meanwhile the last two months of 2007 had to be dealt with.

I can't really summarize those final months of 2007 clearly. Pain and exhaustion took over, but there were some victories too.

Five days before our second mini-album was released, BIGBANG won Best Male Group and Song of the Year at mnet's KM Music Festival Awards. When our name was announced, Youngbae stood up with me and we embraced. Jiyong was still sitting down leaning over his seat. Once we walked up together on the grand stage, I did my best to comfort an emotional Daesung while an equally ecstatic Jiyong stepped away from us to bow to everyone. I couldn't express how happy I was, not just because we won, but because Jiyong didn't coo at me or embarrass me the whole time we were up there. It was a personal victory as much as it was a group win.

When Hot Issue came out, we made a music video for _Majimak Insa_ and we were doing well on the online music charts. With all the success came special performances and appearances and awards shows.

Two days after my seventeenth birthday, we were rehearsing _Majimak Insa_ for the Golden Disk Awards. I made a mistake from being too enthusiastic with not enough energy to back myself up. I wanted to spin and pivot and test the stage's flooring, but I fell and the next thing I knew, my ankle was incredibly swollen and an ambulance was on its way.

From then on, I was a burden.

We had another mnet concert to perform at, and Jiyong stayed up until 6 in the morning on the night of that show to practice my part and fill my role. The doctor told me I had to restrict my movements for two weeks.

Then we had our concert _The Great_ , and added to the pain of my ankle was the shock of having stage fireworks explode onto my face. Hell, this wasn't even about Jiyong embarrassing me anymore; I was embarrassing _myself_.

I woke up in a hospital on the 29th to find out that I had collapsed backstage during our concert. Well, now I was embarrassing my hyungs too. I couldn't even finish a show and it hurt. The hospital released me and I was driven back to the dorm to sulk and cry in solitude. I counted the minutes as that concert continued to go on without me. I was absolutely determined to do well at our concert the following day.

When the rest of the members came back to the dorm from the concert, I quickly dried my tears. They asked me about my ankle and I merely shrugged and said I was okay. They all went to their rooms after that to sleep and I was left alone.

Jiyong's eyes lingered on my ankle for a moment, but he said nothing. He was tired too, after all. I waved him off and he simply blew air at the straight-edged brunette fringe invading his eyes and walked away to wash his face or do whatever.

TOP collapsed the following day during rehearsals for the KBS Music Festival. Jiyong collapsed _after_ the show.

YG gave us the first week of the new year off to rest and heal. For that, I was thankful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIGBANG winning 2007 Song of the Year: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOrtOHLY_HY


	7. 2008

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why him being upset surprised me. It wasn't like it was anything new.

We took a flight to Nagoya in early February for the Lunar New Year and announced a new concert tour. I had recently broken up with my high school sweetheart and my thoughts were all over the place. Of course I was still a little heart broken, but I was a teenage boy too. The women in Nagoya were beautiful, I thought. Jiyong was already clawing at me, practically. I had to _responsible_ , he said. I needed _restraint_ , he said. Tame the maknae. Cuddle with the maknae and make him feel loved so he won't go out with his raging hormones and do something stupid.

"..Seungriyah..?"

It was one in the morning, dark and quiet in our hotel room in Japan. I was in the room's bathroom, lights on and door closed, and quietly read through my audition script for a musical I was interested in. Jiyong had woken up and briskly knocked on the bathroom door.

"Are you having digestive problems or something?"

His voice was groggy and annoyed just outside the door, but I heard his concern as well.

"I'm fine, hyung. Go back to bed."

He groaned and kicked the door.

"Aish, you're obviously not ok. Do you even know what time it is?"

I smirked and stuck my tongue out at the bathroom door.

"I told you I'm fine."

For some reason, I didn't want to tell Jiyong about the musical. He'd find out by a manager or someone eventually, anyway. I think I took up the audition to get away from my own head. It'd be nice to sing and act as another character other than myself. There wouldn't be an ex-girlfriend or Jiyong to think about. I wanted to keep things separate.

"Come back to bed soon, ok?"

"Ye hyung."

I listened to his feet padding against the carpet back to his bed and I immediately went back to studying my script. I stood up for another hour and felt _ready_. I was confident that I would get the role. I _needed_ the role. Japan felt pressuring and I couldn't wait to get back to Seoul.

\--------

 

After three auditions, I was double-casted for the lead in Sonagi, the musical. When I wasn't practicing and rehearsing with the band for our Global Warning concerts, I was with the Sonagi cast. February and March was rehearsal after rehearsal. I kept up with the pace rather well.

Of course Jiyong was one of the first people to find out about my new little solo gig. Jiyong had singled me out at dance practice not too long after I found out I got the part. My manager had come inside the dance studio to go over some schedules with me and Jiyong overheard.

As soon as the manager left, I felt a tug at my wrists and Jiyong was pulling me out into the hallway. He turned me around, faced me, and crossed his arms.

"When were you going to tell me?"

I don't know why him being upset surprised me. It wasn't like it was anything new. I knew how to cope with his touches and his endearments to me at this point. I learned to brush him off. When the cameras were on, I had to act a little more submissive for the sake of the fans, but at times like this when we weren't followed by cameramen, I knew how to put up my front.

"Its not like its going to interfere with the tour or our Japanese promotions, hyung."

"Who says so?"

I shrugged.

"The managers and staff. We have it all scheduled. We're even going to be in Japan promoting right when the play tours in Japan, so I wouldn't even be moving from Korea to Japan without the others."

Jiyong uncrossed his arms and sighed. He kept his head down for a moment and stared at the floor.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

He pursed his lips and swallowed, tugging down at his beanie.

"Forget it."

He reached out and grabbed my hand.

"Let's just go back in. Congrats on getting the role, ok? Work hard."

At that point, Jiyong seemed mysterious to me, like he wasn't all there. I simply nodded and we went back to rehearsals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BB's schedule from debut to 2008: http://forums.soompi.com/discussion/364134/bigbang-the-official-%EB%B9%85%EB%B1%85-thread-%E5%BD%A1-ver-3


	8. 2008

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could handle his temper and his smirks and his sly grins, but I couldn't really understand the blue Jiyong, the melancholic Jiyong.

I was wrong, and Jiyong knew it.

BIGBANG started Japanese promotions in April. I was going to be in Korea for Sonagi.

I had to to break the news to him before the others left for Japan that I wouldn't be there to promote with them, even though I had told Jiyong I would be.

I tried to casually notify Jiyong while he took me out shopping. I had hoped he wouldn't lose his temper out in public, but he did. His favorite stores all around him in the shopping district didn't even cheer him up.

His voice turned cold, like back when I first met him in 2005. His eyes were dark and expressive and his nostrils flared.

"Seungriyah."

He let go of my hand and set down his shopping bags on the cement of the sidewalk.

"How could you?"

"I'm sorry, hyung. I just-"

"You just what? Wanted to do your own thing? Be on your own?"

"Well I really didn't think it would interfere-"

"Don't give me that. You _knew_ it would interfere, but you took the role anyway!"

"Hyung, I-"

"You don't deserve to go solo yet!"

I took a step backwards. I tried to keep a blank face, but I was utterly shocked. Jiyong stared daggers into my eyes, but then something washed over him. He clasped his hands over his mouth and looked down at the ground, silent.

Under his breath, he apologized and told me that he didn't mean it. He reached for my hand.

"I'm not ready to give you away," he whispered.

I didn't want to hold his hand, so I let it slip.

\--------------------------

 

There were a few times that I would be singing and acting on stage and suddenly see a familiar face in the audience. Sometimes it was my parents or my sister and her friends; other times it was Jiyong. He'd find me backstage after the show and critique my performance.

"Your smile doesn't reach your eyes," he'd say as he would eat a piece of fruit off of my plate and stare at my lips. "And control your mouth when you're breathing from your diaphram before you sing. It looks awkward."

"Stop eating my fruit," I whined,"I haven't eaten all day."

He popped a grape into his mouth and shrugged his shoulders.

"Sorry."

I rolled my eyes, getting up from the little picnic table backstage to throw away my paper plate. He called out to me once I turned my back to him.

"Seungriyah."

I turned around. He had a weak smile.

"I've said harsh things to you, and I really do mean it when I say I'm sorry."

"Okay, hyung."

He bit his lower lip.

"I'm still not ready..to be supportive of you working alone."

"I'm not alone, Jiyong. All the theatre staff are friendly to me."

He tugged at the sleeves of his jacket.

"Even so, I still don't like it."

I sighed, sitting down again at the picnic table. I placed myself by his side and pat his back.

"See hyung, that's your problem. Stop being so possessive."

He didn't even object. I guess he knew what he was doing, then.

Jiyong looked a little empty, a little sad, like he was contemplating something or maybe he was having a revelation of sorts. Or maybe it was me. After all, here I was, actually feeling a little concerned for Jiyong. I could handle his temper and his smirks and his sly grins, but I couldn't really understand the blue Jiyong, the melancholic Jiyong.

I think I realized that I actually _cared for_ Jiyong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here have some baby seungri singing in Sonagi: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0--4R0J2Co


	9. 2008

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I found something lacking. I wasn't completely grateful.

Jiyong didn't talk about it, but I think he was having a hard time. We started working on our third mini album in May. Another love-sick title track resulted from it, _Haru Haru_. He was probably having a romance with a beautiful girl somewhere while I was away from him for Sonagi and my MC hosting on Music Core with Daesung.

It would surely explain why he seemed different. Maybe he had just gotten through a break up, and here I was warning him that he was being too possessive. He didn't touch me or tease me as much. I didn't know. It seemed ironic that there would be distance between us just as I was starting to accept him.

Or maybe it wasn't because of me or a girl. He started working more with the producers and we certainly kept ourselves busy with music. Stand Up came out in August, Number 1 in Japan released in October, Remember was out by November, and in between all that we continued concert tours, tv appearances, hosting, and acting. Maybe he was just exhausted.

\-------------------------

 

"You're ready, Seungriyah."

"Eh?"

It was the beginning of October and Jiyong had me stay in our recording studio at YG with him. It was getting late.

"You're going to get what you want."

He licked his lips and smiled at me, then pressed a button on the recording control deck and out boomed a club beat from the speakers.

"What is this?"

"Its the intro to your solo track."

I guess I couldn't hide my excitement. I hunched over and hugged him, something I rarely did, and he gently returned the embrace.

"Thank you, hyung. I won't disappoint."

He snickered and released me.

"You better not, maknae. I said you're ready; don't make me a liar."

I nodded and followed any directions he had for me during the recording process. It was done in a rather business-like manner, but every now and then he'd laugh or smile and I'd see the old Jiyong. I think secretly I had hoped that I would be able to help alleviate his melancholy.

Everything became _Strong Baby_ at that point. I started working out more and choreographing. YG wanted it as a title song, but I wouldn't start promoting it until the new year. We filmed the music video at the end of December, so now I was eighteen and trying to project a more mature image of myself to the media.

Jiyong continued to pat my back and tell me I was ready on the days leading up to the solo release. It felt good to have him accept and support me.

But I found something lacking. I wasn't completely grateful. What I wanted was a Jiyong who would give me personal space and treat me in a mature manner. He gave me that, but in the process it didn't feel the same to be around him.

Beneath the new layers of confidence as a man who was no longer a minor, I felt regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ri's Stong Baby MV: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDTsf5xw3Kg


	10. 2009

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I almost wanted to be the toy again.

I was on a high after my solo. Jiyong would chastise me for looking too smug, but there was a new sense of freedom for me and I simply couldn't hide it.

In March we started to help promote the old girl trainees at YG who would be debuting soon as a group. From there, I felt the visuals around me brighten into neon and candy colors. Maybe it was from the success of _Strong Baby_ or maybe it was from all the sugar-coated pop imagery at that time, but I felt a change of sorts. I was happy even as our schedules continued to pick up more promotions and deadlines. I was more optimistic even as we were about to start working on our first full-length Japanese album. My mind was occupied with scripts for _My Nineteen_ or _Shouting_ , lyrics, Japanese, choreography, what to say in interviews, how to pose in photo shoots, album meetings, recordings, and on and on the list went, but I wasn't overwhelmed. I told myself I would take it a day at a time.

Jiyong was just as busy, but with different preoccupations. He talked of working on a solo album in the near future or would visit the girl trainees whenever he could to support them at photo shoots or bring them food. He started taking interest in the girls, of course I noticed. There was fashion and art and image concepts involved. Edgy visuals. Eclectic accessories.

I wasn't jealous of the girls, no. I was jealous of Yang Seung Ho and Lee Hyun Jong, the close friends of Jiyong's who were the girls' fashion stylists. There was a professionalism between the men, but Jiyong's eyes sparkled when he talked to them. It was like Jiyong was in his element, being around other people who were creative and expressive. He smiled more with them. He seemed more enthusiastic and inspired with them. I was starting to miss having his attention and I couldn't even deny it to myself anymore.

I almost wanted to be the toy again. We moved into a hostel dorm in Japan and I thought maybe we'd go back to the way things were if Jiyong and I shared a dorm together. This time I'd make sure not to mess it up. I told myself that I would accept him and seek him for help and I made it my goal to make him happy.

There was a late night in Japan once where I couldn't sleep because the July cicadas were too loud and the neon lights outside my window were too bright amidst all the Japanese night life. Our dorm building wasn't exactly far from the city. I rolled around in my bed sheets and realized Jiyong was talking on his cellphone in his room. We each had our own room, but the walls were kind of thin.

He was laughing. I soon realized he was talking to Yanggaeng, one of the two stylist friends.

"Ah, I wish I could see it! It'll look so great. Take a pic of it on your phone when you're done."

I squeezed my eyes shut in the dark.

"Yeah, its late. Seungri's already in bed. Talk to you tomorrow, see you soon."

I sighed and got up from my bed, pushing through my door to get a glass of water from the small kitchen area. Fumbling in the dark, I hit a toe against the refrigerator.

"Seungriyah?"

The lights flicked on and I quickly stood on one foot to hide the toe I just foolishly stubbed. Jiyong opened his door and raised his eyebrows at me.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?"

I pointed to the sink and had an empty glass in my hand.

"Ah."

He turned around to go back into his room but I called out to him.

"Hyung."

He whipped his head around.

"Yeah?"

"Hyung..."

My voice got stuck in my throat, the kind of aching, burning feeling that would creep up as if I was about to cry. I swallowed it down.

"Hyung, would you rather be back in Korea right now? With Yanggaeng hyung?"

His eyes widened for a moment as he stared at me curiously.

"What? No! We're here as a group, we stay as a group."

"But if you could choose..."

"No, absolutely not. What's wrong with you, maknae?"

He walked over to me and set down my glass of water on the counter top.

"Are you having abandonment issues or something? Aish, and here I thought you _loved_ going solo."

He wrapped his arms gingerly around my back and hugged me, pulling me in, resting his chin into my shoulder. I didn't hug him back, but I hid my face into his chest.

"Sorry, hyung."

I could feel his lips curling up into a smile against my shoulder. He pat my back and sighed.

"Its okay Seungriyah. Go back to bed."

I nodded and he let me go.


	11. 2009

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The word perfect echoed into my thoughts. Its perfect.

Jiyong's hair was getting longer and longer as he spent less and less time in the dorm with us. He'd work day and night at the recording studio on his solo album in Korea while making phone calls or confronting the Japanese album producers about lyrics in Japan. When we had free time off our schedules in Japan, Jiyong would just sleep like a dead man in his room and warn me not to bother him. Judging from his blood-shot eyes and dull skin, I knew better than to disobey.

I wanted him to be happy, but he seemed only tired and stressed. I wanted to comfort him, I really did, but now the roles were reversed and Jiyong was the one giving everything into solo promotions while I was left alone. The difference between Jiyong and I was that he didn't need me for help or support on solos. He was the real adult, I wasn't.

Even so, I was going to help him. I wanted to be useful and give him back the comfort and affection that he had given me all these years, even when I didn't want it.

I bought some books in Korea and brought them back to Japan with me to read. Some were how-to books on being successful and bringing positive energy, like _Winning Habits_ and _The Business Note of a Mentor_ , full of quotes and inspiration. Another book I bought to help out Dad with the family debt was _Start Studying Economics Immediately_ , and then I bought _I Love You But I Won't Love You_ on a whim.

I stacked them all up in a pile at my desk in my dorm room and quietly read through them while I had down time.

In the end, I'm not really sure the books helped me much, but I tried new tactics with Jiyong anyway. He'd just smile when I would tell him about the little facts I was learning.

"Hyung."

Jiyong was in the small kitchen area at our Japan dorm heating up a cup of ramen. He nodded his head to acknowledge me walking towards him while keeping his back facing me.

"Hey Seungri," he replied rather dully, keeping his eyes on the time left on the microwave. I looked over at the cupboards above Jiyong's head.

"I want to eat with you."

"Sure, whatever."

The microwave hummed and beeped and Jiyong carefully took out his styrofoam cup of hot water and sat down at the cream-colored sofa in our little living room. He set down the cup on the end-table in front of the sofa and surfed the channels on the tv.

"Yah, get me a napkin."

I rolled my eyes, suddenly thinking of a chapter I read in that business book about good customer service.

"Sure, hyung. Do you need something to drink too?"

He smirked, still pressing buttons on the tv remote.

"I like this."

He kicked his legs up on the end-table and placed his ramen in his lap, finally content with the channel, airing an anime series.

"Huh?"

"I'm the prince and maknae is my slave."

I almost dropped the water bottle that I was getting out of the fridge.

"I'm _what?_ "

He leaned his head back and laughed, patting the seat cushion beside him.

"Yah, hurry up and eat with me."

I scrambled along the kitchen space to get to my own bowl of ramen waiting in the microwave and sat by him. We ate side by side, shoulders touching, watching cartoons battle with robots and explosions that I'm sure Jiyong didn't even know to translate. We were too lazy to get out the Hangul-Japanese dictionary.

After the episode ended, we put up our dishes and I cleaned at the sink while Jiyong wiped down the end-table in front of the sofa that had some spills on it. He was really stringent about the hostel dorm being clean.

I started sweeping the floors when Jiyong nearly belly-flopped into the couch. He lay out on his stomach with his legs dangled over the arm rest at the end.

"Aaaagh~ Kimochii~," breathed out Jiyong into the cushions, practicing his Japanese. "Feels good."

"Don't sleep there, hyung. It'll hurt your back."

Jiyong groaned and kicked his feet back and forth over the couch's edge.

"The prince can sleep wherever he wants."

I sighed, stowing away the broom and dust pan into a closet. I made my way over to the couch to get him to move.

"Seungriyaaah. Let me stay here."

I plopped down on an empty corner space of a cushion, close to sitting on him.

"No hyung. Get up. You can't get hurt."

Jiyong chuckled.

"Aww. My slave cares for my well-being."

I rolled my eyes, resting my hand over his back. Jiyong was silent for a moment.

"Yah. Could you do me a favor? As Seungri, not as my servant."

"Sure, hyung."

He pursed his lips together in a straight line, looking down at the floor with his head propped up onto his hands.

"Could you...stay here for awhile?"

He twisted his neck around to look at me. He had that familiar sad look in his eyes again and kept quiet. I nodded and he looked relieved, laying his head back down into his folded arms.

 _Do something good for your fellow employees. Show them that you care_ , I thought as I stared blankly at my hand still resting atop Jiyong's back. I picked up the hand and carefully glided my fingers over his back, tracing circles and rubbing at parts of the back over the thin cotton of his shirt that felt tense. He let out a deep breath and settled himself more deeply into the sofa cushions.

"Is this okay, hyung?"

"Its perfect. Don't stop yet."

The word _perfect_ echoed into my thoughts. _Its perfect._

I wanted him to happy. I wanted to be perfect for him. In the silence of our little living room, sitting on the cream-colored sofa, I smiled to myself and noticed that he was smiling too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gri's dorm in Japan, Ri's books, and the slave comment ;) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oo1Q3moZb4E


	12. 2009

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't the toy that Jiyong would play with anymore as I did nothing, so now I wanted to be the kind of older-kid gadget that could play back.

August was a month of transitions.

We kept moving back and forth from Japan to Korea. Jiyong had his solo album and I had my musical to keep us separated. Jiyong shared his room with me in Korea, but I was really only there to sleep. Jiyong was rarely there when I was, and I had to deal with the Tom and Laura bed sheets alone.

With the physical transition came an emotional shift as well. I didn't know where Jiyong and I stood, still confused with my new discovery of possibly loving him and not knowing what to do from there.

Because of this, we were Tom and Jerry. Chasing, looking for times where we could be together, but never capturing, never finding the other in the same room.

Whenever we could be together without conflicting schedules, I told myself that I had to make something out of it for us. I wanted to leave an impression. I wasn't the toy that Jiyong would play with anymore as I did nothing, so now I wanted to be the kind of older-kid gadget that could play back. Someone to finally return the affection.

\---------

 

"Seungriyaaaah~ Are you here?"

Disoriented with sleep, I blinked a few times but all I saw was black, the darkness of the bedroom. I shifted my legs underneath the bed sheets, wrinkling Tom and Laura, and wiggled my toes. I heard keys jangling and footsteps approaching, so I pulled the sheets over my head. The light flickered on.

"Seungriyah! Get up! Yah!"

Something plopped onto my stomach over the sheets, warm and lightweight. Its paws padded across my ribs and sniffed. The creature made its way to my head and found a strand of my hair peeking out of the covers. The next thing I knew, it was nibbling and pulling on my hair. I tried to shake the thing off me, but it stayed there, pulling even more, and I had no choice but to face the light and take off the bed covers.

Jiyong and Youngbae were there at the foot of the bed, snickering. They each had plastic bags in their hands full of dog food and rubber toys. Youngbae set down the items on the floor and sat at the edge of the bed to get the thing off me, but it only growled. Jiyong broke off into a fit of laughter.

"Kekekeke! Gaho's first enemy!"

I squinted my eyes at the creature as Jiyong picked it up and suddenly my hair was free. It was a puppy shar pei, covered in wrinkles and beige fur with brown eyes. Jiyong kept staring at it adoringly, lovingly stroking and cradling it. I was immediately jealous. _Gaho_ meant something along the lines of "divine protection," like a guardian angel, but it was just a dog- a growling, sniffing, nibbling dog.

"Looks like you're going to have to keep it with you," Youngbae remarked to Jiyong, poking my arm. I twitched from the bullying.

"Hmm," Jiyong nodded. "I should have known it wouldn't work out."

He set down the pup on the floor to let it roam around. We watched it carefully as it wagged its tail and searched for something to eat. Jiyong quietly tsked and chided.

"Ah, Gaho, you better not mess up my floors. The prince's slave will have to clean it up if you do."

My jaw dropped.

"Jiyong-hyung, that's not fair! Its yours!"

Jiyong and Youngbae were snickering again.

"Just joking, maknae."

Youngbae tilted his cap and smiled at me, nodding his head.

 _You'll be okay,_ Youngbae mouthed. He poked my arm one last time and got up to leave. Jiyong hugged him goodbye and I was too tired to get out of bed. Once the door closed, Jiyong whipped his head around back to watching Gaho.

"Do you have a cage for it, hyung?"

He nodded and walked up to the pup to kneel beside it.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Seungri."

"I'll be okay," I assured him, repeating Youngbae's words. "You'll be a good master."

He lifted an eyebrow at me beneath the platinum blonde layers of hair over his forehead.

"Is my slave admitting I'm a good master?"

I wanted to roll my eyes, but refrained from doing so. I had to start being nice to him.

"You're the best, hyung."

Well. Damn, that was cheesy, I thought. Even more so than usual, it wasn't like me. It was too sugar-coated to come out of my mouth, especially when not even in front of any cameras.

Jiyong smirked and placed the dog into the cage he had left by the entry way into the room, by the shoes.

\--------

 

I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of Gaho whimpering. Jiyong, who still hadn't slept being the night owl that he is, was immediately there by the cage to feed it or comfort it.

"Sshh, be quiet and tough, Gaho," he whispered in the dark. The only light in the room came from the glare of Jiyong's computer.

"Master shouldn't baby what he owns, so you have to be a strong baby, arassou?"

At that point, I could relate to Gaho's pain and felt like whimpering too. My jealousy of Gaho was short-lived, and I closed my eyes yet again to enter back into the realm of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GD's apartment that he shared with Ri and puppy Gaho <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_BIW92LgUc


	13. 2009

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But then I knew I'd be asking too much.

By the end of August, I was done with my musical, but Jiyong's solo promotions were never-ending. While we were in Japan, he'd call the sound engineers and staff in his free time about a solo concert he was losing sleep over. Sometimes he'd look at me with crazed eyes, dilated and wavering, or he'd tap his fingers against his arms in a mindless beat. Like everyone else, I worried for him.

As December neared, I saw less and less of him. I heard he had a cold and a fever, so I was shocked when he called me at the dorm from work and his voice sounded like usual.

"Yah, maknae. Do me a favor."

I was already by the door, slipping on my tennis shoes as I balanced my cell phone against my shoulders.

\------------

 

As I stared down and laughed at a Jiyong wearing a black fur-mohawk hoodie with a belt around his neck, I realized I must have really looked like a fool.

It was my own idea to get Jiyong to act like Gaho as I pretended to kick him. Jiyong was laughing, at me or himself, I wasn't sure. This was for a parody video to be shown at his concert, so we had to go back to our normal roles. I was maknae again, silly and young, yet things were different this time.

Jiyong listened to my idea, as spur of the moment as it was, and he actually agreed to it, so I over-acted and over-emphasized everything. The belt which wrapped around my fists acted as a leash, and somehow Jiyong had allowed me that control, even as silly as it was.

Later, in a scene where Jiyong had to thank me for setting him up for a blind date, he kissed me on the cheek. His lips didn't actually touch my skin. He held back, and I quietly thought to myself that he would have actually kissed me if only I were younger.

Later, when we ate lunch together on break, he let me cut the meat for him and he didn't even complain for the way I was cutting it.

He turned his attention away from me for awhile to talk to some of the production staff. I stayed seated at the little lunch table off in a corner of the break room as he got up and left. On a whim, I started cutting the cooked pieces of beef into shapes. When he came back to sit across from me again, he looked down at his bowl of rice and meat and chuckled.

"Hearts?"

I didn't say anything as I ate my own meal.

"Kekeke! Maknae, this one tore!"

I looked up to see a pair of chopsticks holding up a shriveled piece of beef in the shape of a heart torn down the middle irregularly.

"Eat it," Jiyong chuckled.

"Its yours," I complained.

He stared at me for a moment, and our eyes locked. A smirk played across his lips.

"Ha ha. Heart breaker. You're so cheesy."

He popped the meat into his mouth and chewed slowly. I had earnestly hoped that the hearts would mean something else to him, but he didn't say anything else.

It wasn't that Jiyong was inconsiderate. I just never knew what to expect from him.

"Hyung."

"Hm?" he muffled while chewing. He quickly wiped his lips with a napkin and looked up at me. Maybe there was so much that I wanted to say, or maybe there wasn't.

"Nevermind."

He smiled and flicked my nose.

"Pabo. Think before you speak."

I rubbed my nose and nodded, even though I was already well-aware of that rule.

Maybe I just wanted to say _hyung, look at me_ or _hyung, I like you, you know?_

But then I knew I'd be asking too much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Gri skit in shine a light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5B-N-CmqJXw


	14. 2009

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I did receive a gift, but it was a day late, I thought.

Jiyong, Jiyong, G-Dragon, Jiyong. It was always about Jiyong, and he wasn't even asking for the attention. Maybe that's why I was the attention seeker, really only eager to steal the spotlight from Jiyong. I was jealous, sure, but I was also one of the people who gave him my attention, like I was part of the crowd. In short, yeah, everyone loved Jiyong. Even if you hated him, you were still directing your attention to him.

Even on my birthday, I thought of Jiyong.

It was December 12th, and Jiyong's solo promotions and concerts were over, but now we were already preparing for our first concert of the new year, Big Show 2010.

After my morning workout with Master Hwang and the concert meeting for the day was over, I bought myself a bus ticket to take me to Gwangju. Jiyong was acting kind of stand-off-ish, so visiting my family for my birthday would be best for me, I thought. On the bus ride down, I wondered what he was up to. He was clearly all-business at the concert meeting earlier, talking up a storm and waving his arms animatedly about concepts and costumes. Maybe he was still at YG, making phone calls or re-mixing songs. He wished me a happy birthday and briefly hugged me before I left the studio, but that was it, I guess.

Gwangju soothed my nerves in all the right ways. Mom made humble beef soup and Hanna baked me a cake. Dad pulled me into a bear hug. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I tasted the pleasantly salty cooking of my mother and watched my father warn me with his eyes, like the old days, not to say anything bad about her cooking. Hanna stuck her tongue out at me across the dinner table.

Mom asked me about Jiyong. I just said he was busy. She and Jiyong's mother were friends, so I didn't see why she had to ask. The mothers talk about their sons all the time, don't they?

"Is Jiyong still looking after you well? You look a little...worn down."

I briefly rolled my eyes.

"Mom, I'm fine. Just tired. I couldn't sleep on the way here, so-"

"And why is that?"

She looked at me, _really_ looked me. Maybe it was a mother's intuition, but it really looked like she _knew._

"You're stressed, aren't you? Something's on your mind."

I placed my hands in my lap under the dinner table, staring down at my knuckles and biting my lip.

"Its...complicated."

Mom smiled and got up from her seat to lean over the table and offered me more meat and rice from her plate.

"Try not to think about it. Spend the night here."

I told her I couldn't. Practice for the concerts started early in the morning.

\------------------------------

 

When I returned to the dorm, it was one in the morning. Jiyong still wasn't there. It wasn't even my birthday anymore, but it wasn't like I got much attention anyway, other than from my family. Exhausted, I took a quick shower and dived into the bed, smashing Tom and Laura.

I stirred at around five in the morning. I wanted to roll on my back but there was a familiar warmth tying me down on my side.

"Ah, did I wake you?"

Ahead of me was just the darkness of the dormroom. Jiyong's voice came from behind me, I realized. We were both laying on our sides, with him behind me, his arms outstretched, wrapped gently around me, hands perched on my stomach. It was just like how he used to hold me and I wondered if this was one of those odd dreams.

"Yeah," I mumbled, voice thick with sleep. I think I was delirious. Jiyong chuckled, nuzzling his nose and lips into my hair.

"Did you have a good birthday, maknae?"

I sighed into my pillow.

"What's wrong?"

His fingers meekly stroked a few inches of skin on my stomach. My shirt had ridden up underneath the blankets.

"It wasn't the best."

His fingers were dry and rough, almost like sandpaper, but somehow it tickled.

"No?"

"No," I affirmed.

"Did you get any presents?"

"Hm. Not really," I shrugged.

I did receive a gift, but it was a day late, I thought. Jiyong was here, giving me his attention, asking how my day was, and I was in his arms.

But now it was December 13th, I was just Seungri, he was Jiyong, and we had to be up in two hours.

 


	15. 2010

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For me, my happy place was here, beside Jiyong.

I hadn't really seen the other BIGBANG members in a while, so being together again for our first concert of the year was refreshing, to say the least. It was a wake-up call for me; this was where I started, as part of a group. There were other other members other than just Jiyong or myself.

At one of our first days of rehearsals at our demo stage that YG had built for us, I remember staring at the center of the stage's floor, marked in white tape with an X. A hand squeezed my shoulder from behind and I snapped from my daze.

"Hey."

Youngbae smiled at me, half-teasingly and half in earnest.

"You doing okay, maknae?"

I stared back at Youngbae, unsure what to say. I looked down at the floor again, and he nodded.

"Is Jiyong still teasing you too hard at your dorm together?"

I tugged at the hem of my t-shirt and rolled my eyes. Youngbae laughed lightly and punched my arm.

"You're handling it well. We tease you, but we care for you, okay?"

I nodded and pretended to understand. Actually, it wasn't that Jiyong was over-teasing me, but rather that he wasn't teasing me much at all. He was more quiet nowafays, or he was gone, either with Teddy at the studio or with friends at small clubs or restaurants.

"I missed you guys," I decided to say instead. Youngbae smiled and poked his microphone in his hands to test if the sound was on. After a few thuds of static, he pressed the mic to his mouth.

"Yah, maknae says he missed us!"

I groaned and walked away from him, and the others laughed.

\----------

 

In the blink of an eye, the Big Show concerts were over. Three days of adrenaline and burning throats, and I absolutely loved it.

At the very end, once the encore was over, we reached our hands out for the final bow. In the corner of my eye, I saw Jiyong briskly walking up to me and felt his fingers fold into mine. We took our bow and Jiyong squeezed my hand. We stood back up in sync and he turned his head to me and smiled before looking back out into the audience. Beads of sweat covered his face and neck, and maybe his eyes were watering too. The screams of the fans were deafening and we were all on a high.

For me, my happy place was here, beside Jiyong. I didn't want to let go yet, but Jiyong released our hands to wave and blow kisses.

I stared out into the audience as well now, reading the sign boards and following the motions of the waving yellow lights. _Saranghae! Hwaiting! Jjang!_ These were all their words that I wanted to say myself, over and over again. To them, to others, to Jiyong.

The lights dimmed and now it was time to exit stage left. Onwards to Japan now, I thought, on to another tour of concerts. I built up the courage to reach for Jiyong's hand again as we walked off, and he pretended to swat it away before laughing and grasping it in return. Maybe Jiyong would be in a better mood this year. Maybe the teasing could start up again, and I could dream that he really did care, maybe more than I cared, maybe not.

 

 


	16. 2010

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong's voice was cold and stern, and he looked angry, the quiet kind of angry, bottled up.

After the Electric Love Tour in Japan, I had to fly back to Seoul again to attend Chung-Ang University's entrance ceremony. There was so much I needed and wanted to learn that the entertainment industry just couldn't teach, so I was beyond thrilled when I found out I was accepted back in October. I still wanted to be useful, I still wanted to try to be perfect.

The induction speeches made my veins pulse with adrenaline and my heart pound in excitement. My head throbbed just from piecing all the inspirational quotes together. The auditorium was dark, but the little stage lights were so bright and clear. I thought of Jiyong.

_You're here because you chose to be. Be your own person, pursue what makes you passionate. Live and never hold back._

Somewhere in the back of my head, I realized I was going to have to talk to Jiyong. I didn't know when or how, but I was positive that something was going to have to happen if I truly wanted to pursue what made me happy. I had to stop doubting and lyring to myself; it was time to push through again with confidence and sureness. Maybe I wouldn't really have to fake it this time.

Meeting new people and talking to them became a little hobby when I was on campus. I liked chatting and finding new groups to dance or play soccer with, and I also found myself comparing the friends I made to the BIGBANG members.

This one over here was too kind and had a quirk for doing strangly hilarious things, like Daesung. That girl over there had strong, smoky eyes to exude a mysterious presence, like Seunghyun. Another guy was short but strong in his movements, masculine and healthy, like Youngbae.

I didn't really meet anyone who reminded me of Jiyong. There were girls who had similar thin body frames like him or guys who walked around everywhere with headphones in their ears like him, but no one had his gummy smile or nasally arrogant voice or signature fashion. No one had the hot temper or the cold, judging stare like Jiyong. No one had the flaws or habits that I had grown used to. But maybe that was okay.

I did eventually date the Seunghyun girl, along with many other fine women. It was never really about love, not really, just as long as they had soft skin and a quiet mattress. I was young and the world was my oyster. Why not, I thought. Jiyong ws probably living a wild life too, right? Maybe even more so, now that I wasn't at our dorm anywhere as much. He probably took advantage of my absence. Maybe he had some new love songs now.

Still, I wondered if he ever thought of me, like I did of him.

\---------------------------------------------------

When I wasn't in class, I was in Japan with the group for award shows or music video shoots. We were successful in the Japanese market, only strengthening our fan base. Confidence was starting to come easily to me now, building up and swelling my ego. There was pride there, winning awards in Japan while representing Korea. It felt real, it felt good.

"Yah."

It was the last week of May and we were at the VMA Japan After Party at an extremely crowded club somewhere. I didn't really know; I was kind of drinking a lot and flirting with random women. Everything was kind of hazy at that point, but I remember a cold, bony hand gripped around my left wrist.

"Yah, maknae."

Jiyong's voice was cold and stern, and he looked angry, the quiet kind of angry, bottled up.

"Ah, hyung, I was just-"

"Stop."

He gripped my wrist tighter. It was a good thing he didn't have nails to claw into me because I'm sure he would have. He looked me dead in the eye.

"I don't want to hear it. You're drunk."

He tugged then, and I stumbled into the direction of the pull. I was confused at first, but then guilt started bubbling up as Jiyong pulled me farther and farther from the dance floor. He was walking me to an exit door, a separate door that lead to a little alleyway outside, away from the bouncers. As soon as the spring night air blew out and dried my sweaty skin, I started becoming more alert. Jiyong wasn't there, and I couldn't go back in. Sighing, I rested my back against the brick walls and slid down to sit, wrapping my arms around my tucked knees as I recalled what happened. I was showing off, I was sure, and she looked intrigued and ready for the taking. My Japanese wasn't good yet, but she nodded and then I realized she might be the wrong kind of woman, or anyone could be watching, and I was definitely drawing attention to myself.

Half an hour later, the back door opened and Jiyong stepped out to hand me a wine glass of water.

"You know what you did, right?" Jiyong warned as I downed my water.

"Yes, hyung."

He squatted down to my eye level.

"That wasn't you, Seungriyah."

I nodded.

"Its fine to let loose and I know you like to flirt, but here wasn't the place. Don't forget you're an adult, and an idol, at that. Be more responsible."

"Yes, hyung."

He clucked his tongue and kicked the wall.

"You have no idea what I and the manager just did to save your ass," he spit out.

"What?"

He huffed and reached for my hand this time, and pulled again, only I didn't trip over him this time.

"Come on," Jiyong ordered, and I realized our van was parked outside.

"We're going home. Just be quiet."

"Yes, hyung."

He kept his hand wrapped into mine on the ride back. The buzz was over.

"Just sleep," Jiyong sighed.

I slowly nodded and felt his fingers tangle themselves into the hairs at the back of my neck. I decided to close my eyes and enjoy the warmth.

"Aish. This is why you can't be trusted," he whispered, tone annoyed.

"I'm sorry," I mouthed. I don't think he heard.

"Its..its when you do stupid stuff like this...," he sighed, and I pretended not to listen, "that I have to come back to you to take care of the maknae."

I swallowed, and hoped he couldn't feel my pulse in his hands.

"I don't like having to come back to you after trying to let you go. Either grow up or stay this way."

I remained quiet, pretending to be asleep. I felt his stare, and he sighed again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seungri at college orientation <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3f75cZchSU


	17. 2010-2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a way, this felt like the beginning all over again, trying to build myself up on an impossibly steep hill of high expectations and comparisons.

Once the trees had lost their leaves and the air was cool and crisp, there was a certain kind of uneasiness and emptiness inside me. I couldn't put a name to what I was feeling, only that there was so much I still needed to do, wanted to do.

     Earlier, YG had talked to us about solo projects since we were done with Japan promotions for the moment. I don't know what happened to that plan, but suddenly there were powerful electronic hip-hop tunes playing in the studio, and I just knew. Jiyong looked really happy, making fun music with Seunghyun.

     At the dorm, when I was awake, Jiyong would tell me about Seunghyun's latest gags and there was always this sparkle in his distant eyes, excited and enthusiastic about so many things, none of which I really knew.

     The first feeling that I couldn't name ended up being envy and jealousy. I was envious of GD and TOP, getting to have their own album and promotions together and having work. Jiyong would always be YG's golden child, allowed to release new music whenever he wanted. He never needed permission, like I did.

     And then I was jealous of Seunghyun of course for being by Jiyong's side as the other member of the sub-group. As the time drew closer for their album to come out, the concepts and imagery were coming together and suddenly they boomed and bloomed as the next big thing. Black and white, almond and chocolate, GD and TOP.

     I thought I was going to have to watch, unable to do anything, but somhow my luck turned around and YG gave me permission to start working on solo singles. Maybe he just wanted to try out the new producers or maybe he saw through my yearning to be back on stage like Jiyong and Seunghyun. Either way, I was grateful to have my chance, and looked forward to competing on the music charts with the hyungs I envied.

     Now it was the new year and Jiyong spent even less time being home at the dorm, but I didn't care. I was busy, he was busy. At least I wasn't moping around; instead I was being productive, working on goals and skills that needed work, practicing falsetto and writing songs, being creative musically in a way that I never was before.

     And then I ventured into business when Seungri Academy was opened, and BIGBANG had started getting together in the studio again to work on a comeback. We were continuing to grow, moving forward, wild and spontaneous, going for a new sound.

     Amidst all the new material and solo promotions, though, I made sure to keep a few things close by to keep me grounded. I didn't want to disappoint Jiyong again and I refused to make the same mistake twice.

     Every now and then, I'd see disgust still lingering in Jiyong's eyes. The cold stare would never last long, but I could see it. He was more wary around me, like I was bound to mess something up.

     After my first solo stage performance on the weekly popular song competition show, Jiyong had sent me a 30-line text message, criticizing me in crucial detail...Lighten up your expression, your gestures were awkward, the wardrope doesn't suit the dancing, you look short, walk in a taller stance, your voice was flat, your pronunciation was off, you looked tired, tell the noonas to take better care of you, some of your arm movements were sloppy....and on the list went.

     I kept that text with me saved on my phone, and opened it to read many times in the dressing room. At some point I think I had memorized the damn text and was determined to decrease Jiyong's monster of a list. In a way, this felt like the beginning all over again, trying to build myself up on an impossibly steep hill of high expectations and comparisons.

 

\----------------------------------------------

     The night I won my Triple Crown, Jiyong called me from Japan.

"Oi! Seungriyah!"

     I rolled my eyes to myself, already mouthing the words of criticism he was probably about to give me into the receiver.

"You handsome punk," he laughed.

"What? Did you see my performance, hyung?"

     He tsked into the mouth piece of his cell phone.

"What kind of hyung would I be if I didn't. You did well."

Seunghyun yelled out "Ayyee!" and clapped his hands in the distance.

"But?" I asked.

"Hmm."

     Glasses clinked together on the other line. I recognized soft music in the background. They must have been dining at a restaurant.

"You're willingly asking for my criticism? You? Haha, maknae. Not now."

"Huh? Just say it!"

     Jiyong chuckled.

"Not today, maknae. You improved."

     I was utterly speechless.

"But don't celebrate until I'm back home, arassou?"

     I groaned.

"Hey, I can't keep my eyes on you from here. Okay, gotta go-"

"Hyung!"

"What?"

"Come back soon."

Jiyong chuckled again.

"Yah! Are you that impatient to party?" he teased.

     No, I thought. I decided to be straight-forward.

"I miss you," I told him. He snorted.

"You do not, Seungriyah."

"I do."

     The other line was quiet, and I wondered if maybe he was smiling from ear to ear, mocking me with his hand covering the mouth piece. I heard another laugh from Seunghyun in the distance.

"I miss you too," he said quietly, just for me, so that maybe Seunghyun wouldn't hear him, and he disconnected.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GD's 30-line text message: http://www.dkpopnews.net/2011/01/news-seungri-g-dragon-sent-me-30-line.html


	18. 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't be jealous, hyung."

 With solo promotions over, it was time for the group to comeback into the spotlight. Concepts of neon lights, dry arid land, and something bright and extravagant came to mind, and from that it was decided that we'd fly to Las Vegas. Seunghyun was the first to tease me about dancers and gamblers, while Jiyong would give me death glares on the plane and open his mouth a few times as if he wanted to lecture me. I pouted and told him that I'd behave.

     It was only the second week of February, yet it was already getting sunny and warm in America. I was still so used to only seeing outerwear and fur coats in Seoul, so of course my eyes wanted to take in more than just the western scenery. The female dancers in Vegas had amazing legs. All the young guys walking on the Strip owned the coolest sunglasses. Couples made out in public. It only got wilder at night.

     Our first night of recording for our music video went by too fast. The atmosphere was relaxed but my heart was racing. Being caught up in the moment, I tried speaking my broken English to the filming crew. Jiyong kept laughing and Youngbae would correct me, but it wasn't like I was going to give up trying. Seeing Jiyong laugh and smile was well worth the embarrassment.

     I flirted just a little bit with Chloe, the actress in our MV. We took pictures together and I tried to crack jokes with Daesung in order to loosen up everyone on set. I'd say the attempt was successful if it weren't for Jiyong's sudden change in mood once we were on Santa Monica beach, California to film our last scenes.

     We took a break to eat lunch and mess around on the beach, making foot prints on the shoreline with our sneakers and kicking sand around. The sun was just beginning to set, reflecting into the vast ocean that extended far outwards into the horizon. The winds of the coast were salty and relatively strong in force, but it felt good against my skin. Youngbae looked like he was searching for seashells. Daesung and Seunghyun kept jumping back and forth where the shoreline gradually pushed and pulled. I had just finished eating and was looking around for Jiyong when I finally found him way off in the distance where a flock of seagulls had gathered by his feet. He was staring pensively into the ocean and was about to finish a cigarette; he squashed it out into the sand when he saw me approaching.

"Hyung!"

     He smirked at me but the expression was flat.

"Seungri."

     I jogged up to him and some of the gulls flew away.

"What are you doing all the way out here? You ok?"

"I'm fine."

     Jiyong didn't even hesitate. He just dug his hands into his pockets and wouldn't look at me.

"Hyung. Just say something."

     Seunghyun and Daesung were chasing each other in the distance playing tag. The late afternoon sky was slowly dimming. After a moment of silence, Jiyong sighed and bit his lip.

"You led her on too much."

"Huh?"

"Chloe."

     He laughed dryly and rocked back and forth on his heels, opening his mouth to speak again.

"You don't have to collect the number of everyone you work with, Seungriyah."

     I immediately crossed my arms defensively.

"What? Hyung! She was nice."

     He shook his head and kicked a patch of seaweed near his feet.

"She was asking me about you earlier. I think she likes you."

"What? Really? How?"

"Because you flirted with her, dumb ass! You led her on!"

     I rolled my eyes and kept my stance.

"Hyung! Its not like that...I mean, I can't help it for being sociable and trying to brighten up the mood."

     He whipped his head around to finally look at me. It was his judging stare mixed with a sort of curiosity. His eyebrows rose up.

"Is that it, maknae?"

     I pouted and reached an arm out to pat Jiyong's shoulder. He didn't swat me away, which gave me more confidence.

"That's what I do best, isn't it? I make it easier to work with others. That's what they love me for."

"Who's 'they?'" Jiyong teased, and he grabbed at my forearm that was extended out to him.

     I looked Jiyong in the eyes and he stared back. For just a moment, his brown eyes wavered and I saw that familiar sadness in his eyes again.

"Its what I'm loved for," I repeated, smiling smugly. Jiyong reached out his other hand to my same outstretched arm, cradling it with both arms now and he rubbed his cheek against my hand resting on his shoulder.

"Ok, fine," Jiyong admitted with a more animated smirk on his face,"you're loved."

"Don't be jealous, hyung."

     He shook his head again, chuckling and squeezing my arm. Youngbae was walking up to us in the distance, waving his arms. It was time to get back to work.

"I try not to be," said Jiyong under his breath, hugging my arm tighter before he let go to meet halfway with Youngbae.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> making of tonight mv, beach scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVD-SsTmaCc


	19. 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It felt right, not having to say anything.

 Maybe it was simply because we hadn't been promoting in Korea as a group for so long, but as the red blinking dot of the recording cameras blazed and reflected into my eyes, in his eyes, it was a wonder I didn't push away the new touches.

     The image of Jiyong's tanned skin, searing cinnamon eyes, and short choppy blonde hair was constantly looking my way as he talked and laughed for the audience. Interviews and meetings were actually fun. Sometimes when he'd sit next to me, his hand would linger over my thigh, fingers tapping with spider-like touches, or he'd pucker his glossed lips in exaggeration. BIGBANG was back, and I figured he was just hamming up the fanservice.

     This time, more aware, I smiled and let myself lean into him or take whatever kind of teasing punishment he offered to inflict. The sadness in his eyes was absent and whatever burdens he still carried were probably close to weightless. We were topping the charts and our schedules were incredibly busy again.

\--–––––––––––

"How about some coffee?"

     One of the noonas, concerned, had pulled out her cellphone and announced she was going to make a coffee run because there was a local cafe nearby and we obviously weren't getting enough sleep. We were at a little lounge area backstage at the concert arena we always used, taking a break from rehearsing for Big Show 2011. Jiyong was burying himself deeper and deeper into the armchair he was seated in and across from him on a couch sat Seunghyun and Daesung, checking their phones and playing with apps. Youngbae was seated in the armchair next to Jiyong, appearing just as exhausted. Jiyong groaned and rolled his head forwards and backwards into the headrest, pinching his ears and checking to make sure he hadn't lost an earring instead of pulling at his hair like usual. His new hair was a mess to style and maintain.

"Please," Jiyong whined, twisting his earrings around, just like he'd do with his rings. "I'm so tired that I can't see straight."

     His eyes were barely open, bleary and pink-rimmed. They started watering after he stifled a yawn. I smirked at him from across the room.

"Its your own fault, hyung."

     He pouted his lips and looked like he wanted to yell at me, but he just didn't have the energy, so he spat out a slurred "shut up" and hunched over his seat. Seunghyun let out a low chuckle from the couch.

"Maknae has a point, you know."

"Don't encourage him," Jiyong whined, lifting his head to glare lazily at us. I smiled victoriously and flashed the V sign, to which Jiyong rolled his eyes at me.

"You punk."

     After that, we gave the noona our orders and she soon left from the lounge to fetch us our caffeine.

"When was the last time we even went out by ourselves to get our own drinks?" Daesung had mused, still playing with his phone. "Its kind of sad."

"I bought ciggs two days ago at a convenience store, does that count?" Seunghyun replied, suddenly interested in poking Daesung's arm.

"No!" Daesung laughed, arm twitching to the pokes.

"Hm. I think the last cafe I went to was on campus," I thought aloud as I crossed my arms and leaned against the couch.

"Maknae, you don't count. Cafes are probably your usual meeting spots for your multiple dates," Seunghyun stated matter-of-factly.

"Hey!" I protested. Jiyong and Youngbae started chuckling out of nowhere. I thought they had fallen asleep.

"Hyung! If you're going to laugh, join in on the conversation!"

     Jiyong stopped laughing, and the upturned lips of his smile quickly curved downward. Youngbae looked at his best friend next to him with silent concern and Jiyong merely nodded.

"Its still too fresh in my memory to talk about," Jiyong whispered. Youngbae nodded and turned his head to us and mouthed "break up" through his lips.

"Oh, so the last time you were in a cafe was when..." Daesung acknowledges quietly. Jiyong stared down at his hands on his lap, pensive. I didn't like this image.

     Little red spots slowly started invading my vision as Youngbae squeezed Jiyong shoulder in comfort and as he relaxed. I had to find an excuse and leave soon before this got any worse. I was already clenching my fists.

"Bathroom," I announced lamely through gritted teeth, and off I went, briskly walking through the arena hallways searching for an unoccupied room.

     I took a curve to the right and found an opened door a few rooms down with lights off. Peeking inside and finding no one, I sprinted in and crammed myself into a low chair. It was an unused dressing room furnished with vanity mirrors and makeup tables from wall to wall. Without lights on and no windows, it was rather dark. I had hoped the darkness would be enough to calm down the weird sprout of crimson jealousy lodged inside me. My mind went a little fuzzy so I hunched over my chair and rested my forehead against the dull edge of the makeup table in front of me

     Light footsteps approached after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. My thoughts were still raging, so I was squirming in my seat.

"Hey."

     Thin fingers shook my shoulders. A plastic cup of sweet liquid was placed on the table close to my head.

"Seungriyah, did you get lost? This clearly isn't a bathroom."

     His voice sounded better, more awake and energetic. The caffeine must have arrived. I lifted my head to find Jiyong staring down at me, wearing his sly grin but with worried eyes. I knew it was him, even in the lack of lighting, what with his gleaming earrings, yellow hair, and the cold touch of the clunky rings on his fingers as he reached for my hands on the vanity table.

"Listen. I'm sorry."

     He sighed and gently rubbed my wrist with his thumbs.

"You don't usually tell Youngbae first before me," I said dryly," about those kinds of things."

     A memory of an old album meeting came to mind, where Jiyong first showed me J, a girl he had been dating at the time after I showed him my high school girlfriend. That was back when I was too young and hadn't seen the teasing in the way he picked on me, before I liked him.

"Well," Jiyong mused, "I didn't tell him the whole truth. The lyrics aren't the whole truth, either."

     I nodded. Cafe. When did he ever really tell the whole truth though?

"Then tell me. Its done. Its just a memory now, hyung."

     Jiyong inhaled through his nose and sighed out with his mouth.

"Well."

     He sat next to me at the neighboring vanity table and turned to me.

"I was dating a girl secretly at the end of the sub-group promotions, but then my mind started getting....occupied with other things."

     His hands were getting warmer, tangled in mine.

"I was with her, but someone else was on my mind."

     He chuckled nervously.

"I couldn't help it. Your solo stages worry me. I mean, I just never knew what you were going to do, promoting by yourself, and I just..."

     I couldn't believe this.

"So she broke up with me at a cafe and told me 'You don't need me anymore. You clearly have something to work out with someone else.'"

     I stared at him incredulously.

"You're...just teasing again, right? Am I really that wild?"

"Of course I'm not, idiot! You kept me up at night, and just...everything about you is worrisome."

"So its my fault?"

"Yes."

     I frowned and shook my head.

"But its not like...you were cheating on her or something. You're just....leader, worrying over and trying to control the maknae."

     Jiyong's eyes widened and he stared at me curiously, tilting his head and scrunching his eyebrows.

"No. That's not the whole truth either. I really did worry about you. Too much, too often."

     I stared down at our hands entwined, a little sweaty now.

"I...tried to do what you said. Stop being so possessive. I tried to let you go, but then you were doing stuff under my control, and damn it..."

     I squeezed his hands reassuringly.

"Hyung."

     He bit his lip and wouldn't look directly at me.

"Hyung."

     My heart sped up, beating through my chest. I was so nervous and unsure of what was real. Maybe I was delirious, maybe I needed more sleep.

"Hyung. I was naïve back then when I told you that. Go ahead and be possessive, I'm just too used to you now."

     His cinnamon eyes pierced through me, questioning, maybe begging.

"You're sure?"

"Positive," I nodded and smiled. "You like me too much, and you worry too much, but the thing is I like you too much as well. I denied you at first...but stay, okay?"

     His lips parted in wonder and his hands were still. His breath might have hitched when I leaned forward to willingly press my forehead to his sharp shoulder. This was too surreal. I couldn't show him my face anymore.

     We sat quietly in the dark room. My heart was too overwhelmed so I couldn't speak, but the air was so thick with a quiet kind of understanding. It felt right, not having to say anything. My bitter resentment had faded and morphed into some sort of unbelievably sweet liquor to the point of being lethargic and numb. The feeling was like some sort of drug, lifting me up and away, this heart-aching squeeze in the chest called love.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the backstage lounge area looked like (making of big show 2011): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSwIHaTFhVo


	20. 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I should have stayed, I should have relished the heat of our ever-touching shoulders, side by side.

Not even a month had passed and we were already building up a new concept to accompany the release and promotion of two more singles. Spring was soon to be in full throttle as the air began to lose its chill and as the familiar brighter greens and blues of the landscape had to started to paint itself and bloom. It was incredibly relieving to even go out and see it; we were basically just traveling back and forth from studio to studio or back to the dorm where everything in the city was overruled with grey and black. The trek to GaeHwa Island for our Love Song video was as far from those dull colors as we could get, but even at that it didn't last long. We were there for the island's desert, inhaling sand, dust, smoke, and gun powder.

     Work was work, and our mood was kind of mellow and distant because we just wanted to finish filming. Seunghyun started wheezing just a bit because of the fires and dust. Daesung cracked jokes to keep us from worrying. The noonas took good care of us, of course.

     In between takes, as we watched video editors work their magic on the spot underneath the large tent built off set for us, I'd steal quick peeks at my hyungs who were observing the videos seriously. Noting the solemn expressions, I had decided then and there that something had to be done to cheer them up and break the mood. Jiyong noticed my glances and stared back at me with wary eyes.

"What the hell are you thinking for you to stare at me like that, maknae," Jiyong asked me dryly.

     I smiled nonchalantly and pretended to pick off some ash from Jiyong's jacket.

"Just looking out for hyung's best interest."

     He squinted his eyes in a small sneer, prodding an elbow into my ribs from beside me.

"You liar."

"No, I mean it," I retorted, holding my punched ribs with one hand and coughing out sand into the other. Jiyong's smirk quickly faded and was replaced with concern, patting my back. I stopped coughing and he kept his hand behind me, fingers grazing the nape of my neck. My skin tingled at his touch.

"Don't get too excited, maknae," Jiyong teased, and he then proceeded to lean sideways to whisper into my ear. He cupped his unoccupied hand around his mouth and I almost winced as his breath tickled against my jaw. "Hey," he suggested," Let's run like crazy as soon as we're done."

     I turned my head and smiled at him.

"Yeah, I'm all for it."

"And we have to yell and scream."

"Yup. And we run as fast as we can back to here."

     His fingers pinched the back of my neck and a tiny chuckle was caught in his throat.

"Sometimes I like the way maknae thinks."

"Only sometimes?" I prodded, and he smirked.

"Yup. Your other thoughts are probably just you boosting your own ego or are too dirty."

     I started to protest, but Jiyong was already shoving me away to get back on set. I was too happy to care about protesting anyway. Our frantic dash back to the tent once we were done filming went just as planned. Catching our breaths under shelter with the other members was invigorating, and the way Jiyong's hands had found the back of my neck again so quickly after returning was the quiet home and comfort I'd been seeking from him, been wanting back from him all this time.

\-----------------------

     The rest of April rushed by in the blink of an eye, full of continuing promotions and long concert rehearsals. We were back in Japan by May 2nd and our Love and Hope Tour would start in a week.

     Even considering the earthquake and tsunami that had hit Japan not even two months ago, the streets were still clean and the cities were booming and as vivacious as ever. We had fans in Korea concerned with us being there, but in the end our tour in Japan was a promise that we were determined to keep. We were safe.

     In between the bouts of practicing and the few hours of craching at our hostel on a day to day basis, Jiyong or our manager liked to take us out to local restaurants or shops to explore. I was always aware of the frantic way Jiyong would reach for my arm or shoulders to pull me away somewhere when something caught his eyes in the streets. I constantly felt our brushing of sleeves as he'd tangle an arm around me or tightly cradle my arm like it wasn't even a part of my body.

     The more eclectic or bizarre the fashion store he'd find tucked behind a building somewhere, the harder he'd pull on me, eyes sparkling with some sort of artisitic inspiration that I was just never going to quite understand. It wasn't that he was ever really looking for "the next big thing," but rather, I think, that new ideas would come to him naturally when he saw certain things. After he'd really look at something, he'd stare down at me expectantly and tell me that we just _had_ to go in there, and I'd just roll my eyes as he pulled me away with him.

     I couldn't have been happier to be by Jiyong's side again, hand in hand or arms around shoulders, but in truth, we were still two completely different people. Fatique whipped its ugly head around as our concerts started up the next week, and I was a guy who needed his sleep. Jiyong was able to survive late nights on a daily basis. I didn't know how he did it.

     I was told vaguely about an after party approaching the end of the tour. Whether or not I wanted to attend, I wasn't sure. If I were to drink too much or party too hard, Jiyong would attack me and call me irresponsible, but at the same time Jiyong was poking and prodding me into going with him. I had to be with him so he could keep an eye on me, he said. I was worrisome, he said.

     When the night finally came, I figured I'd join the party for at least a few hours. I was tired, but adrenaline after a concert always did wonders, and I ordered a few drinks at the lively night club we were at with caffiene and club soda to keep me awake. I practiced my improving Japanese with a few girls as Jiyong would bump his shoulders into me every few minutes to translate for him. I half-heartedly danced for about an hour, mindful not to move too sloppy of course, but the sugar and after-concert high had finally brought me to a low and I just had to leave and call it a night. The manager was off against a wall somewhere talking to some older folks while Daesung and Seunghyun were playing drinking games. Taeyang was already back at the hostel.

     After finishing my last glass of a sweet iced beverage, I nudged Jiyong and told him I was ready to leave. His brown eyes, just a little dilated now after having a few glasses of champagne, nodded slowly and his expression was serene.

"Okay. You did well, maknae. Just don't bring any girls with you back to the dorm, and you pass my inspection."

     I rolled my eyes and licked my lips, enjoying the last of the sweet aftertaste of my drink. Jiyong smiled at me and brought his hands up to pat the top of my head like I was his pet or something.

"Yah! Hyung! Watch the hair!"

     He snickered and leaned into me, and then he placed a kiss on my right cheek, and I scrunched my eyes.

"Goodnight maknae. Sleep well."

     I rubbed my cheek and was already searching the club for the manager again, who had moved to a place on the club's side wall with darker strobe lights. Jiyong was already stepping off into another direction, body heat of our shoulders slipping away. He was walking off to the bartender for another drink, I realized.

     I never thought Jiyong would be the one to have gotten in trouble later that night while I was away. I should have stayed, I should have relished the heat of our ever-touching shoulders, side by side. But I didn't, because as much as he needed me with him so I wouldn't act up, I never really thought I'd have to look after him, because he was always fine, always comfortable in what he was doing. So I walked away, cheeks still tingling from his goodnight kiss, and I was just too exhausted to look back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> making of Love Song: http://bigbangupdates.com/2011/05/making-of-love-song-subbed-subbed.html


	21. 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was going to be strong.

Once again back home, promotions were at last over and we were all ecstatic to take a good break and get quality time shut-eye. Not that I ever would grow tired of my hyungs, but some time off from each other would surely do wonders, so off into our own directions we went, more or less.

     I had plans to visit the family and get back into college life as soon as our vacation time would officially start. I even had new clothes out and ready, hanging on the headboard of my bed. Just one more day of May, and we'd be free to leave the dorms as we pleased. Seunghyun was already back at his villa, and Jiyong wasn't far behind with packing to get back into his apartment.

     During promotions, Jiyong would rarely sleep when he needed to, but now that it was basically over, Jiyong was all huffy again about getting his sleep and not being bothered. So of course it wasn't a surprise that he was already asleep in his room at a rather early time in the evening. His door was closed when I was in the kitchen to make dinner for myself. The dorm was quiet without the roar of his music or the scribbles and scrapes of pencil and eraser to paper.

     I couldn't leave the dorm, nor did I really want to. I still had recorded variety shows and dramas to catch up with on the t.v. Or maybe I'd just waste time looking up pointless things on naver with my laptop.

     An hour soon turned into two, and the next thing I knew, my fingers were trembling and I felt the blood drain from my face as I stared at my computer screen. My lips quivered and suddenly I felt like I was trapped in a block of ice. My body didn't want to respond, but I desperately needed to get up from my chair and wake up Jiyong. It was nearing one in the morning.

     It hurt. It physically hurt to enter Jiyong's room to find him so peacefully asleep. I was about to ruin any further hours of rest for him and I just knew it. I was always careful when nudging him awake, but I couldn't control my limbs tonight. I shook a shoulder, as he was on his side, and he jerked awake.

"Hyung. Get up. Check the computer."

     My voice shook. I hated this lack of control. Jiyong immediately knew something was wrong. Without saying anything at all, he got up and took my hand, making me walk with him to my room, where my laptop was.

     The warmth of his hand soon drained to match the coldness of my own. He just stood there without taking a seat, quietly reading the breaking piece of news I had found displayed on the screen. I squeezed his hand, now colder, as he inhaled sharply and dropped my hand and dashed off into his room. Not knowing what else to do, I followed him to find him reaching for his cell phone. He started making calls as I just observed him by his door, dazed.

     When he was done, he threw his phone onto a pillow at the other end of his bed and dug his head into his hands, bent over the edge of his mattress.

"He's being questioned at the police station. He'll come back here when it's done."

     Jiyong's voice seemed controlled, but the wrinkles of worry creased his brow and the tiredness under his eyes only made him look older than his years.

"Is he okay?" I asked.

"You know how D is," he sighed.

     I finally decided to close the distance from his door to the bed to sit by him. He didn't say anything, so we both stared at the floor.

"Hyung," I called out softly, averting my gaze from the floor to my palms. "Whatever happens...Let's stay strong."

     I hadn't even realized that a tear had fallen onto my cheek.

"The comments are cruel," I whispered, quietly wiping my wet cheeks. Jiyong lifted his head to look at me then. "They're already calling him a murderer...I don't get it."

     Jiyong's brown eyes were cold and dark, pensive. Pained. They traced over the trail tear that had dried, and then he lifted a hand to rub his thumb over my cheek.

"I don't know what's going to happen to our group. We'll be okay. He'll be okay. Right?" I asked. My voice still couldn't really project any louder than a throaty whisper. Jiyong tried to turn up his lips in a reassuring half-smile, but it just didn't reach his eyes, now tearing like my own.

"I don't know, Seungiyah."

     Slowly, in a daze, he continued to softly rub my cheek. His hands were still cold, so I covered my own hand over his. A few minutes of silence passed.

"But you're right. We have to be strong," Jiyong agreed. A sob had tried to gurgle up my throat, but I made a weird noise to swallow it down and Jiyong couldn't help but to let out a little amused "hmph."

"Aish," Jiyong sighed. "You're going to have to do me a favor, okay? Promise me," Jiyong said, mostly serious but I knew he was about to tease me. I nodded.

"I can only have one sad maknae at a time, okay? You're the Strong Baby, remember?"

I found it in myself to roll my eyes, and sure enough, Jiyong's expression had softened.

"Let's cook something for him for when he gets home," he suggested, now poking my cheek instead of rubbing it.

"Yeah," I agreed. My voice was coming back as the warmth was slowly returning to our hands. Then it dawned on me that we didn't have much meat in the fridge.

"Wait. Hyung. There's not much in the fridge...cause you were going to be leaving the dorm..."

"Well of course I'm staying. Aish, maknae. We'll go groceries tomorrow or something, okay? We can't exactly go out now."

     He poked my cheek one last time, and then we walked off into the kitchen and quietly awaited any further news of Daesung's arrival. Looking through the kitchen cabinets, I gave myself the biggest peptalk to myself which I hadn't done since at least Japan for our tour.

     I was going to be strong. For us. For Daesung. For Jiyong. This was a test of strength and loyalty. Of faith. And I was rooted. Right here.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> summaries of the crash: http://bigbangupdates.com/2011/05/daesung-involved-in-car-accident-news.html


	22. 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong was terribly scrutinized for everything he did. We all were. It was just that the golden child had it the worst.

 May slowly, agonizingly passed to June. Recovery just wasn't a clean, simple process, but I do believe Daesung's smiles started reaching his eyes again after awhile. He was visiting his family and attending church regularly.

     Jiyong didn't let on that he was going through a sort of struggle as well. In June, he muttered under his breath about something to do with the prosecutor's office. He didn't appear concerned, so I didn't ask.

     Whatever was going on, either Jiyong just genuinely didn't know himself yet or he simply didn't care. I wasn't under the impression that Jiyong was hiding something. Or if he was, it was trivial. In fact, he had opened up to me in ways we hadn't in a long time. There were those June and July nights where we'd stay up late and talk about anything, or we'd check up on Daesung, or make meals together. Sometimes he'd be cautious around me, remembering the old me that used to dislike his touches. Then there were days he'd forget, twinkiling his fingers against my nose or slapping my shoulders. Sometimes, if I was brave, I'd lean into his touc h. Other days, I would just stare at him when he wasn't looking, and sometimes he noticed, smiling teasingly back at me.

     In August, Jiyong shaved his hair. He said it wasn't meant to symbolize anything personally, and I believed he was honest, but even so, I wondered.

\-----------------------------------

"What could it be? What could it be?"

     His voice was uncertain, soft and cracking at the edges. Jiyong was deep in thought, hunched over the writing desk in his room. I was just outside his doorway, observing him quietly in his distress. There wasn't a piece of paper or his lyric book in front of him this time, nor his cell phone. His fingers were rubbing at his temples as he simply stared straight ahead, no where, any where. I called to him from his door.

"Hyung?"

     His shoulders raised for only a moment before dropping back down. I figured it was okay to enter his room, since he wasn't objecting, but his mood was still off. I wondered if he would snap.

"Maknae," Jiyong breathed, turning back from his desk to face me, dropping his arms from his head to his lap.

"What's wrong?" I asked carefully. He appeared nervous, eyes darting from my shoulders to my eyes to my lips, and back to my eyes again.

"I'm trying to remember something," he replied.

"Remember what?" I asked, walking over to his bed to sit at the mattress's edge. His eyes followed me, swallowing.

"A night in Japan."

He stared at his hands then, folding and clenching.

"Its really important that I remember," he continued. "It had to have happened at one of those parties..."

"From our concerts there?"

     He looked back up at me then. It was really odd; he looked more like a boy than a man at that moment, a side of Jiyong I hadn't seen in awhile; lost, searching.

     It was then that he told me about the prosecutor's office. A second test, a hair test, came out weakly positive. I wasn't there. I couldn't help him remember something I wasn't there for. I had left him, and I felt extremely useless.

\----------------------------------------

     The news came out to the public in early October. YG was going to release its press statement at any moment. The media was going crazy, huntng like vultures on its own prey. Police drug investigator statements, prosecutor statements, and all sorts of comments were surfacing on the web, full of hate, spitting cruelties at one another, for such a small act.

Jiyong was terribly scrutinized for everything he did. We all were. It was just that the golden child had it the worst.

I loved Jiyong, but I didn't worship him. I knew he wasn't perfect, like how I wasn't. I knew the real him enought not to believe so.

     It wasn't disappointment that had wet my cheeks. It was guilt for not staying with him that night. It was utter shock for the things people were calling him, saying about him. Just like they did with Daesung. It was love, frustrating love, bottled up and waiting to be expressed properly.

     Jiyong hadn't slept. Those same tired lines of stress and nervous anxiety were etched on his face, on his dull skin, in his blank eyes. It was an otherwise calm morning in October. His room was neat as usual, the bed was made and unwrinkled, the carpets were recently vaccumed, his lyric book lay smoothly on his pillow.

     I wondered if he needed comfort. I wondered how atrong he was. But somehow, upon entering his room that morning and observing how quiet and motionless he was while staring at his computer screen, I found myself crying in front of him.

     Without saying anything, Jiyong pulled me close to him, forcing me to sit in his lap with my forehead pressed to his neck. The sobs and hiccups came in full force. I felt so raw, so skinless, so afraid of what I was showing him. He simply sighed and stroked my hair with one hand while the other wrapped behind my back to keep me there, his fingers tracing tiny circles on my right arm.

     "Tell me what's on your mind," Jiyong whispered. I was still gathering myself, desperately needing my control back, my air. I was so used to restraining, building a wall of emotions around myself when I was around him.

"Too many things," I told him meekly. "You don't deserve the names they're giving you."

Jiyong let out a little huff and squeezed my arm.

"No, maknae. I do. I deserve it, I made a mistake."

"But do you really deserve _all_ of it? I mean-"

My eyes were stinging again as I squeezed them shut to keep the dumb tears from coming out.

"Its my fault too," I whispered, voice shaking.

"What?" Jiyong huffed again, voice incredulous.

"I left you that night," I swollowed. "I left your side. I could have-"

"Yah! No, Seungri. Don't go there."

     He tapped his knuckles at the top of my head. I tried to continue my argument, sucking in a new breath, but he continued knocking on my head. The moment I opened my mouth, he'd hit. It didn't hurt, but it seemed to be hurting Jiyong. The next thing I knew, he was sniffling with each tap of his fist. His voice croaked, and out came his quiet tears.

"Please," he breathed. "Don't go there, Seungriyah."

     I threw my arms around him then as he leaned onto my shoulder, wetting my t-shirt. His shoulders gently rose and fell, taking in little gaps of air, and then it gradually became more erratic.

"Hyung, please hear me out," I softly demanded. For just a fleeting moment, I had my control back, and it felt so wonderful and reassuring.

My fingers massaged his neck, etching mindless patterns into his skin. I relaxed my own shoulders a bit, giving him more room to breathe.

"But I know there are burdens that you can't just carry on your own, hyung."

I never knew my fingers could be this steady around Jiyong, while my heart betrayed me like usual with its throbbing. I took a deep breath, in and out.

"I told you its okay, didn't I? Hyung, don't you still possess a part of me? Because I'm maknae? Because I'm Seungri?"

It was then that my control wavered. The rhythm of Jiyong's shaking breaths had matched my own.

"I'm yours, Jiyong. I want to be yours. Your guilt, your hurt, your mistakes-they're mine too."

The tears quietly streamed down again, my control lost.

"So please. Let me be there for you and share your burdens."

     With his forehead still pressed into my shoulder, he lifted a hand to wipe away my tears. Even without looking, he still managed to know me. Maybe he had memorized my facial features and the different sounds that my voice made like I had of his.

"I love you, hyung. I've loved you for years."

     He lifted his head to look at me then, eyes pink-rimmed and staring at me with an odd mix of wonder, confusion, and pain, maybe denial. He pulled away to really look at me, slightly tilting his head.

"Did you really just..."

He smoothed his thumbs over my cheeks, eyes wavering, searching my face again, on my eyes, my nose, my lips.

     The light dancing in Jiyong's eyes sparkled and faded, piecing together some sort of mental puzzle that was too complicated to just reach out and touch. I wondered what Jiyong was thinking, but I was certain that his previous sorrow had morphed into something else. His eyes had dried and he was breathing normally again, sliding his fingers from my cheeks to my nose, down to my lips, down to my chin.

     Cupping my chin, he cautiously tilted his head and leaned into me, watching me as he did so with half-lidded eyes. Not quite sure of myself, I settled with fluttering my eyes closed, anticipating each inch of space being closed off between us.

     I had never kissed a man. I thought it would feel weird. Unnatural. But Jiyong wasn't any of that. He was soft, tender, barely touching, testing. Not anything I would expect, nor what I was used to.

     Even in turmoil, in scandals, in outside hatred, in desperation, Jiyong would be there, and maybe, I hoped, he could let me be his. Whatever this was, it was foreign and new and maybe it lacked direction, but here I was as Seungri, as Jiyong's.

     I was sure we would get through this. Not just with self-reflection, not just with apologies and press statements and time to think, but together. Whatever was to happen later, at least we were here. Finally, I was brave; finally, I was accepted.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about the scandal: http://www.soompi.com/2011/10/05/yg-releases-official-statement-regarding-gdragons-marijuana-incident/
> 
> Healing Camp stuff: http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/02/big-bang-on-healing-camp-news-articles.html


	23. 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could only hope Jiyong had meant something, and I silently prayed for the best.

I didn't bring up the kiss. We just didn't talk about it. Of course I wanted to, but Jiyong's chagrin smiles towards me were enough for me to take the hint. So I just sort of joked around and tried to lift up his spirits, often times in the form of humiliating myself, as he was still endeavouring in piecing those fragments of his reputation and inner hurt back together. It was a healing process, after all. Things were unclear, unclear in the way that time always was, the way that feelings tended to be. When would it be okay to go out in public again? When would the rumors die down, when would the press find something new to report?

          Besides, the phrase "I love you" was one of those things that liked to stay at the roof of my mouth or lodged in my throat or screaming in my heart, but _rarely_ verbally expressed. I didn't need to. I didn't want to or feel that I had to. I wasn't a man of sweet sayings, and my girlfriends knew that. I just felt that repeatedly confessing love wasn't necessary as long as it was palpable. Maybe I was cold. Maybe I couldn't keep a girl that way. Jiyong knew me though, and that was enough.

          November was fast approaching, and we hadn't been promoting for five months, but somehow the fans had found a way to bring us back to the stage in the form of some sort of MTV nomination, whether we were ready for the spotlight or not. The next thing I knew, our manager had told us we'd be flying to Belfast, Ireland and maybe take some pictures while we were over there in Europe. I was appalled when I found out we were going to be up against the big dogs, the American pop stars, the world-known artists. A few of my personal favorites were going to be there. Being star struck would probably be an understatement.

           Even so, Jiyong made sure to give us all a talk as leader that we be grateful for the opportunity and stay humble, all the while peering at me because maknae likes to gloat. So I let out a little huff, which made him chuckle, and told him honestly that I knew what was at stake here. We were unprepared. We didn't know what to expect, who we would come into contact with, what kind of impact we would have, if any.

            Once we landed at Heathrow in London, though all of us were fatigued with exhaustion and wanted nothing more than to head to our hotel, it was strikingly apparent that celebrating Seunghyun's birthday was overdue. We broke out into a chorus of happy birthday as soon as we were all buckled up in our shuttle van. The ride to our hotel was just the beginning of great new memories. Seunghyun laughed and pretended to be bashful before admittedly directing that the continuous celebration of his birth be praised by his dongsaengs for the entire stay in Europe. We wanted to take him out to dinner, but Seunghyun's wish was simply for a glass of good wine and a quiet hotel room. We made a fuss that we should do something fun, to which Seunghyun just smiled and told us we'd have plenty of time to goof off the next day. He was right, it was going to be a long day of photo shoots in the streets of London, looking around and maybe trying some good local food. Besides, we really did need to rest. Jiyong was at the end of his tether, where absolutely anything could set him off. He was extremely quiet, simmering just below the surface. We all noticed it.

            Our full day in London passed by too quickly, and soon enough we were on our way to Belfast. Jiyong was still quiet due to his off sleep patterns, but once he was more awake by the late afternoon, I was by his side again. The more I was with him, the more I realized he truly was in his best moods at night, no matter the timezone. He would get more chatty, and he'd laugh and throw an arm around my shoulder. I was extremely thankful that the MTV awards we were attending didn't start until the late evening. He was particularly on-edge that morning. He and Youngbae were fidgeting in their makeup chairs, conversing in English just in case they had to be interviewed or, who knows, make a speech. Seunghyun and Daesung were throwing jokes at them, trying to lighten their spirits. I didn't really know what to do myself, we were all kind of anxious and high-energy, so I just talked with the makeup and hair noonas, trying to appear relaxed for the other's sake.

            When the sun finally set and we were dressed and ready to go, we hopped into a rent car and off we went, on our way to a red carpet event in a foreign country, of all places. The closer we were getting to our destination, the more condensed the traffic became. Light, feathery sighs would escape our lips, inching closer to now crowds of people and cameramen. I started fidgeting with the plastic badge we each recieved as our ticket inside. Jiyong was seated next to me, complaining that the air conditioner was too cold. The air vents were on my side of the seat, so I hastily shut the shudders, to which Jiyong sighed a quick "thank you" and threaded his fingers into my own, stopping me from playing with the badge.

"So quick to meet my needs, maknae," Jiyong laughed, metal rings cold against my knuckles.

"I'm used to it," I shrugged. He gave me a small eye smile and rubbed his thumb against my palm.

"Don't be nervous," he whispered as our hands started to warm. It was silly, really. He was the one that looked the most nervous to me. Looking at his eyes, I recalled how picky he was earlier with the makeup noona about being careful with the eyeliner. He looked kind of scary. I wanted to laugh.

"Yah!" Jiyong barked at me, now smiling. "I know what you're thinking!"

          I smiled back and rolled my eyes, and told him that _he_ was the nervous one in a sing-song voice. He swat my hand away playfully and reached over to open the air vents back up again. Now only minutes away from stepping out, Jiyong took my hand again and squeezed it.

"Okay," he breathed, and now he had all of our attention. "Let's do what we do, act natural, like always."

Still holding my hand, Jiyong turned his head to each of us in the car.

"Youngbae, back me up, bro," he said in English. "We got this." Youngbae nodded.

"Daesung," Jiyong said endearingly. They shared a long glance with each other, and Daesung was already radiating with charm, all smiles. Seunghyun poked Daesung in the ribs, to which he let out that laugh we knew so well, while Seunghyun nodded along, somehow appearing more relaxed and calm than ever.

And then we stepped out, all the while still hand-in-hand.

\-------------------------

 

        After being in Europe for over a week, we were finally back in Seoul and had to get right back to work on plans and rehearsals for a YG Family concert and recording a new album, which meant having busy schedules all over again, though this time while battling through the old time zone.  

        The boost to my ego was higher than ever after our group won the title we were nominated for. I kept over-exaggerating in rehearsals and recordings, much to Jiyong's annoyance. I guess we were back, time had passed, and just maybe Daesung and Jiyong had found some closure, though I'm sure there would always be scars left behind.  

        The concerts went on without a hitch and our names were back on the media again. We were gradually making progress with the new album, and I was psyched. The only problem now was that I had recently gotten into another academic probation from my university because I was too busy to attend class, so I was missing exams.  

        I didn't have time to visit the family that year for my birthday. I even spent my mornings at the gym, reading textbooks while on the  stair-steppers or treadmills. It was a hectic time, and I was kind of out of it, but even so, I was happy.  

        On one of the few December nights that I had time to study, I was offered a distraction from none other than Jiyong. The door to my bedroom creaked open and I immediately closed my laptop. I was sitting at the center of my bed with the computer in my lap. Some sort of suspicious, teasing smile was already licking at his lips.  

"Hyung, before you say anything, its not what it looks like," I said straight-faced. Jiyong was already plopping down beside me on the bed, fingers grasping in the air to open up the laptop. He never gave up on the porn teasing.

"Aww, damn," Jiyong cursed, smiling. "Looks like I can't punish you since this is an academic site. Maybe I should check your history."

"Hyung!"

      Jiyong chuckled, pushing at my shoulder as I took back my laptop. I quickly shut it down and plugged in a charger before placing it on one of the few spots of the floor that _wasn't_ covered in dirty clothes.

"Seungriyah, gross," Jiyong remarked, "Clean your room."

      I whined and leaned backwards, sprawling out my legs. Out of no where, Jiyong told me to stay like that before promptly leaving the room and coming back within a minute.

"Seungriyah. Close your eyes for just a moment."

      Utterly confused, I did as he said, and felt Jiyong's hands open up my palms before swiftly placing a box in my grasp. It was a little heavy. I looked down to see a white cardboard box with a red ribbon neatly tied onto it. The Chrome Hearts label wasn't hard to miss.

"Just open it," Jiyong pleaded, rocking slightly back and forth beside me on the mattress.

      Had I ever received random gifts? I guess I forgot that Jiyong liked to do those kind of things, like when he told me he gave a girlfriend a car trunk filled with balloons once.

It was a bracelet. Jiyong had gifted me with a new-to-the-market bracelet, intricate and modern, clunky and of threaded metal.

"Do you like it? I have one similar to it. Here, let me help you put it on," Jiyong expressed, brown eyes focused on a wrist.

"Hyung, but why did you.."

"Just because," Jiyong replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "Don't you think it'll look good for the new concept?"

I rolled my eyes and asked him what the concept even was. He just tsked and told me to pay more attention.

"Just think of it as a gift for studying, then. Or a late birthday gift. Or a thank you gift. Whatever," Jiyong shrugged again.

"What did I do?" I asked, and Jiyong hunched over to kiss my left wrist before wrapping it in metal. I sucked in a breath, not expecting the warm touch of his lips or the coldness of the bracelet. He lifted his gaze to smile gently at me.

"For loving me," he said simply, and my heart stopped.

"Oh," I replied lamely, throat suddenly dry and tight. I squirmed around, not sure if I could speak again. Jiyong looked like he could burst out into laughter. I probably had a dumb expression on my face, couldn't blame him.

"Maknae, so serious!" he laughed out, pinching my shoulders and pulling me into a quick embrace.

"You're _alright_ , maknae," he teased, once he let me go. "I think I'll keep you," he whispered, before kissing a corner of my mouth and leaving my room.

In just a few days, it was going to be a new year. I could only hope Jiyong had meant something, and I silently prayed for the best.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big Bang on the red carpet in Dublin! <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1ppzi3c-JE
> 
> Ri's bracelets from YB and GD in more detail: http://nyongtori.tumblr.com/post/26962265717/bigbangswaq-riris-chrome-hearts-bangle-silver


	24. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His eyes wandered down at my wrist then, still wrapped in his bracelet.
> 
> "Then just say it softly," I suggested. "For me."

After the Japan leg of the YG Family concert tour, we were back in Seoul to take the final preparations for our comeback into full gear. The album was finally ready, and big plans were in the works for promotion.

     The hardest thing to face this time around was the album concept. I had gradually developed a liking to long hair again, hiding beneath it like in my high school days, but the plans for what to do with my image were not in my favor. The noonas shaved most of my head on the last week of January, and I was left a mess, privately crying about the trim like a traumatized teenage girl. Seunghyun called me Spock for two weeks.

     "You'll be okay, maknae," Jiyong would reassure me after Seunghyun would roll out a large set of particularly outrageous hair jokes. "Its just hair, it'll grow out in no time."

He said something along the same lines when he all but dragged me to the tattoo and piercing studio a day after the hair cut.

     The body art studio might have been even more intimidating than Hyun Suk's office. I couldn't decide. Its black walls were covered in an organized assemblage of framed photos of limbs and skin. The tiled floors made a pathway to properly closed-off walls for its customers, each room furnished with a paper-lined bed, a counter sink, cabinets, and a desk full of fresh needles and inks. I was both incredibly excited and afraid to be there. This was Jiyong's kind of place, not mine, but for the sake of hyung's intentions for me and the bad boy concept, I lay down on the crinkled paper bed and offered the right side of my face to a man not that much older than myself with gloved hands and his own sparing of facial piercings, plus an elaborate neck tattoo.

      Jiyong sat in a barstool on my left, hunched over, watching the artist intently with his hawk eyes as he washed his hands and set out a tray of earrings that Jiyong had picked out at an earlier time. After giving me a run-down on how to prevent ear infections and what the piercing procedure would be like, the body artist said nothing more than "it might hurt a bit."

When the first prick invaded my ear cartilage, I felt a wave of heat wash over my cheeks. I didn't realize I was squeezing my eyes shut until I heard a rumble of low chuckles escape from Jiyong.

"Seungriyah, relax!"

     I didn't have any time to, as the second stab was already made, and an odd sensation of a sliding needle or tube connected both holes. A hiss escaped my lips, and then I felt a hard squeeze of my left hand.

"Just one more step, you're okay," Jiyong crooned, stroking his fingers along my knuckles.

    Once again, the sliding sensation was all I could feel, as a sturdier needle struggled its way into replacing the temporary one. The flush of heat invaded me again as another hiss accompanied a groan. My eyes watered and the tears quickly built up beneath my closed eyelids to leak down onto the bridge of my nose.

"Yah, maknae. Its done," Jiyong reassured, giving my hand another squeeze.

     "That _hurt_ ," I whined, as I could practically feel Jiyong's entire being shake with laughter.

"Yah! Hyung, I'm serious!"

I opened my eyes then to find Jiyong staring down at me, smiling from ear to ear with the toothiest, most gum-rimmed grin I had ever seen.

"You're such a drama queen," Jiyong teased, still smiling at me. I propped myself up onto my elbows to roll my eyes at him.

     _That hurt._ Never mind the bleeding ear cartilage, Jiyong's smile was an entirely fresh wound. I was so accustomed to his crooked teeth of the past and how much it annoyed me, that sometimes I forgot just how much things had changed.

I found myself craving that smile now, how odd, and now Jiyong's features were creased in concern, as if to torture me further.

"Oh, its all red," Jiyong observed, eyes flashed with slight panic. "Seungriyah, does it really hurt that bad?"

The body artist took a good look at his work and said the color should fade within the hour. Jiyong huffed and warned we might be back later if he didn't see improvement. The big photo shoot for the album and teasers was set in place on our schedules for the next day, and Jiyong would absolutely not tolerate any imperfections.

     Jiyong instructed me not to think about the pain, but then again, I was a man of over-emphasis, and whining was my specialty. However, an hour had soon passed and the reddening _did_ die down, and not once did I receive a "poor maknae" from any of the hyungs, let alone Jiyong. So I turned quiet, much to everyone's approval, as we traveled around from YG to various film sets and meeting rooms to gather up all the last touches for our comeback promotions.

\-----------------

 

     "Good job, Seungriyah," Jiyong calmly complimented me as he gently cleaned my ear with salt water, the both of us hovering over the cluttered bathroom sink at our dorm. Waiting for my response, Jiyong looked around the mess of dirty towels and squeezed-out toothpaste tubes. He had started living with his parents after his crisis in October and had only just recently moved back to the dorm for promotions. No one had been there to fuss about picking up after ourselves, save for Daesung, but it wasn't like he was at the dorm much either.

     It was late, and I was exhausted, wanting nothing more than for Jiyong to finish attending to the piercing. It stung a bit.

"Good job on what?" I asked him.

"On finally shutting up," Jiyong teased, lightly pinching at the tips of my ears. He was grinning at me like a cat, fresh-faced without makeup and dark hair still slightly damp from his shower. There were still patches of water condensation sticking to the mirrors in front of us.

"Hyung!" I whined, swatting at his fingers to leave my ears alone. He complied, chuckling as he pulled away, leaving me to sulk at my reflection.

"It really _did_ hurt, hyung."

"Just wait till you get a tattoo," Jiyong snorted. I rolled my eyes at him.

"But hyung, you _like_ pain. You don't count."

He arched an eyebrow and smirked at me, brown eyes coming to life with amusement.

"You do! I know you do, because you were laughing while I was in pain earlier."

     He seemed to get a kick out of that, appearing as if he could barely contain his laughter, staring down at his hands, fingers still decorated in fake tattoos of "kill fame" etched across his knuckles from an earlier photo shoot.

"Oh, Seungriyah," he sighed, shaking his head. I looked up at him expectantly.

"I think," Jiyong started," laughing at you has become a sort of defense mechanism." He looked up at the ceiling, searching for the right words. "Truthfully, I was worried for you. So worried. You turned so red and you sounded so pitiful."

     He rocked back and forth on his heels, at last lifting his gaze to meet mine into the reflection.

"Maknae is always worrisome, I never really know what you're thinking. So I fear that if I were to show you just how much I worried, it would only make you feel even more stressed or miserable, and I wouldn't even know. So I laugh, hoping it will make you smile."

It had been awhile, I realized, that I had last seen Jiyong seem even the slightest bit nervous.

"And I'm still not sure," he continued," if I should baby you or leave you on your own. Its a control issue," he lightly laughed.

"I'm yours, hyung," I told him simply. He shook his head at me.

"You're Seungri. You like all the women and their attention. You say that now, but you're never going to be all mine."

     I stared blankly at our reflection, swallowing the mess of new hurt lodged in my throat. Or was it simply recognition, the truth? He licked his lips before speaking again.

"When you say you love me, I want to say that I love you back. But saying that...I've had my heart broken before. Its not the good kind of pain, Seungriyah. Its the worst."

     His eyes wandered down at my wrist then, still wrapped in his bracelet.

"Then just say it softly," I suggested. "For me."

     He smirked, tapping his fingers against his hip.

"You make it sound so easy," he sighed.

"I'm straight-forward. That's all," I replied. He simply nodded, before sighing again.

"Don't expect too much from me, okay? Especially these next few weeks," he warned. "I'm already tired. Please don't make me snap at you."

"Neh, hyung," I agreed.

"Good," Jiyong exhaled, relieved. Had he been holding his breath?

     He offered me one last gentle smile before walking up to me to kiss the bridge of my nose. He promptly backed away before I could react.

"I love you, okay? I love you," he groaned, already sounding frustrated about it.

     I wondered then if I had truly just broken his heart, but it only left me smiling from ear to ear. And then I was clouded with both guilt and extreme pleasure, digging my nails into the metal chains and charms that had dangled from my bracelet.

     Needless to say, I don't think either of us got much sleep before the photo shoot. So I didn't utter a word, merely absorbed with my own personal happiness, and that was okay. For now.  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about Ri getting piercing with GD <3 http://oneulttara-oneulttara.tumblr.com/post/18897236607/you-i-recording-seungri-said-he-went-to-pierce-his
> 
> video on the process of getting an industrial piercing~ poor Ri ;; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKbkXKFxOA0


	25. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But why was it that when I wanted him most, wanted him closer, I couldn't have him?

 The flight to New York was excruciating. Not just because it was about 14 hours long, but due to the damn cold I had caught in Korea. Trying to sleep on a plane is already hard enough as it is; the fever and runny nose weren't helping me at all.  

     It was February 9th, and we had just announced our world tour two days ago. I thought it was absurd at first; did we really have fans all around the world? Our lyrics were mostly Korean or Japanese, and yet we'd receive fan mail written in all sorts of languages. Nonetheless, we did indeed have a crowd of American fans to greet us at the airport. The medicine I had taken may have made me delirious. There were girls actually calling my name even as I was the last member to exit the terminal. I was hearing "Seungri" and "panda" in English. Seunghyun and Jiyong were easily the most popular, but they knew all our names. It was astounding, and to think these same people could see us again on tour was incredibly uplifting. But for now, I was just too miserable to provide any fan service. I hoped our hotel beds wouldn't be too hard or overly soft. Proper sleep was all I could think about.  

\--------------  

     I woke up the faint smell of cigarettes and low murmurs. Disoriented, I couldn't tell if it was late at night or early morning. The glass door to the suite's balcony was open, and I realized Jiyong was out there, talking on his phone.  

"Yeah, he's going to have to wake up soon," he spoke, pausing to take a deep inhale of his cigarette. "I need to clean that ear again, and he's due for another dose."

     A few more words were said, but I couldn't catch them because I was already drifting back to sleep. It had been awhile since I had last heard his low, professional voice. I forgot how soothing it could be. I didn't even notice when the call ended or when the balcony door closed, or even when his light footsteps made their way to the edge of my bed.

I felt the back of his hand on my forehead, checking my fever. He slid the hand down to rub his thumb across my cheek.

"Seungriyah," he spoke, and my eyes fluttered open. "The noonas will be here in half an hour for makeup."

     I let out a groan which I didn't mean for him to hear. Having him worry over me was everything I didn't want. His sighs were heavy, his breath smelling of a mixture of nicotine and mint.

"You have to sit up," he crooned, and I obliged, pulling myself up to lean against the bed's solid headboard. The next few minutes consisted of pulling myself together with meds and tissues while Jiyong hastily applied q-tips to my ear. Apparently we were running late, and Jiyong received another phone call, announcing he had to leave to take a shower before the noonas came. It turned out that Youngbae was the person he had been talking to. I wasn't surprised.

     New York was beyond cold, and Jiyong was basically in G-Dragon mode for the rest of the trip as we spent our days filming MVs and our nights merely trying to sleep. But every now and then, he'd slip back as Jiyong to goof off with us in the streets. Even as Jiyong though, I knew he was tired and stressed, not quite himself. I lied a bit about feeling more healthy when he asked. Youngbae had told me to be careful, and of course I was on my best behavior. I was brought up in their phone conversations more than once, apparently.

     After an uneventful flight back to Seoul, we went straight back to work with teasers and meetings for the album and rehearsals for our annual Big Show, this time giving it the world tour flair. The new staff we had hired worked overtime and for many hours, even forgetting to take a lunch break sometimes. They'd laugh at me and pat my back when I would try to tell them to eat in English. "He's a cutie," Laurieann would say. Bennie, the drummer, let me play around with his old drumsticks. I had a lot of fun.

      Jiyong appeared to be having fun on his own, chatting with the musicians or Youngbae. Every once in awhile, he'd look my way to see if I was nearby and throw me a quick glance, neither with a smile or glare. He was just neutral, but it was his way of saying that now just wasn't the time.

      I realized that the way he treated me, the way we were, had always been like this. Jiyong had his phases. Sometimes we were opposite ends of a magnet, attracting and attatching to no end, and then there were phases of retraction, pulling away, farther and farther until finally, something would happen to push us back together again. It was indescribable, and I never knew what it really ever was that kept us in this pattern.

     Maybe I just really annoyed him. Maybe I was too worrisome, and all that worry on him was never a good thing, so he had developed a way of slowly peeling himself off of me. Or maybe I was just never going to be his number one person, maybe there were other people he preferred to spend his time with. He had a variety of good noona friends, and of course there would always be Youngbae. Jiyong was even having more phases involving Daesung lately. The scandals must have brought them closer, I noted. Daesung and I were certainly still a little awkward around each other, I wouldn't know. It was never me that he confided in.

     Either way, I let Jiyong be and tried not to expect too much from him, as he had asked. But why was it that when I wanted him most, wanted him closer,  I couldn't have him?

\----

     Our mini-album was released on the 29th, easily thrashing its way up to the roof of the online music charts. All of us were already up and awake at midnight anyway since we were at the studio, so we figured why not buy a few snacks and read aloud everyone's live reactions? The VIP fanclub was always supportive, sweet with their words. Surely it wouldn't take long for the music critics to express their opinions, and netizens were already going mad. After spending a good hour poking fun at people, we ended our break to get back to our meetings.

 

"Something's bothering you, maknae"

     Out of the blue, Youngbae had found me outside the first floor's main hallway leaving the restrooms. Our group meeting had just ended, and I had drunk too much water.

"Its nothing you can fix, hyung," I told him bluntly, staring at the tiled floor. I wasn't going to lie.

"Is it Jiyong?"

"Who else would it be," I replied dryly.

Youngbae nodded, pinching at my shoulders to loosen me up. I squirmed around, unsure of what to do.

"You know," he started, "Jiyong worries."

"I know he does, hyung," I sighed. Sometimes I could read Youngbae like a book, and other times, I couldn't. He wanted to tell me something, but what it was, I didn't know.

"I know all too well that I make him worry," I repeated. "I don't like it when he's like this."

"I don't either, you know," Youngbae spoke. "None of us do."

"Its like he just turns himself off and its work, work, work. I get it, he doesn't need me added to his list of stress."

Youngbae offered me a half-smile and pat my shoulder again.

"Even so, he still talks to you. Sometimes, you just have to be grateful that he doesn't leave. He may make himself distant, he does it with me too, but at least he doesn't completely sever the tie, right?"

I slowly nodded, replaying in my head the small conversations we had in the morning.

"He'll come around again," he reassured. "For what its worth, he tells me he misses you when we talk at night."

"I'm right here," I rolled my eyes.

"Good. Don't ever think you have to leave, okay? Just wait for him," he said softly.

"Ne, hyung," I sighed, one last time. It was nearing two in the morning and we were finally being called to the van to take us back to the dorm. The tiredness was starting to get to me, and I quietly pondered if Jiyong's usual promotion insomnia would start soon, if it wasn't already happening. The low hum of the van's engine from outside sounded like the perfect siren to be entranced by, and off I went, side by side with Youngbae, as we made our way back.

 

 


	26. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I wanted something, I rarely waited to obtain it.

Our Big Show to complete our comeback, the very first concert to kick start our world tour, took place in March. The amount of hype and stress that had surrounded us was overbearing. Cameras were everywhere, and I couldn't help but to break out into a nervous sweat. I was supposed to be confident, but I could only act. Jiyong's patience was long gone, as was my own with him.

      Then I had a frightening thought: if this entire year was going to be compacted with touring, would Jiyong's usual promotion habits continue? Would he keep this distance?

      Jiyong told me not to expect too much from him, and now I knew what was meant to be done on my part. When I wanted something, I rarely waited to obtain it. All I wanted was his affection, his attention. I wanted the old Jiyong, the one who would yell "maknae is mine" and keep me close. So now it was my turn, and I was willing to make some sacrifices.

      A week later, I had officially dropped out of Chung-Ang University. Being on academic probation yet again and now knowing I would only continue to miss classes due to the tour, I figured it was time I did. The only instance I could even think of having time to study would be on the flights or drives to our tour locations, but even then, I'd probably be too sleep-deprived to stay awake.

      In addition to not having to worry about studying or taking exams anymore, dropping out also suspended my visits with college girls, meaning I could show Jiyong that I was serious. He had told me girls would get in the way, and I had decided to make it a strong oath to extinguish anything that blocked me from being his.

      My manager told me to consider taking online classes. I told him I would. When I told the members about my decision, they also agreed about looking into an online university. Maknae's education is important, they said. They knew how I was interested in the business side of things, and they wanted the best for me. Jiyong's stern gaze was particularly strong day, pulling me in to listen, to make smart choices. He would occasionally lower his eyes to survey my left wrist, enveloped in his bracelet. Seunghyun, the joker as ever, brought up that online classes would keep me away from women, and I observed right away that Jiyong knew what I was doing. There was a certain flash in his brown eyes, brows slightly lifted, tight lips curved into the slightest smirk. He knew.

      At the end of March, Japan's version of the Alive album was released, including two new tracks, one of which would be the opening credits song to an anime. I was psyched. My Japanese was vastly improving, and the managers had told us it would be very likely for BIGBANG to have more opportunities to be guests on Japan's shows in the near future. Daesung's Japanese was also greatly improving as our Japan tour was set to start in a little over a month; we started looking into comedy skits. For once, my closeness with Daesung was on stable grounds, especially now that Jiyong was still in one of those moods. Daesung provided a different kind of happiness; he was the sort of character that perhaps I needed most at that time: one who could never hurt me, with the most kindness of all of us, someone unlike Jiyong.

\------------------

    Even after two months since Alive's release, we were still being asked to guest on Korea's variety shows. After our recent visits with the cast of Stong Heart, Healing Camp, and Running Man, our next scheduled trip was to the recording studio of the latest Go Show. I didn't want to say anything about it for sure, but I was under the impression that Jiyong was slowly slipping back into one of his better phases, appearing more relaxed. Even if this was just him turning on his charms for television, it still gave me hope.

    My own luck, however, wasn't favorable that day in early April. although it certainly seemed the opposite at first. The stylist and hair noonas took great care in preparing us, making us laugh in our make-up chairs along the way. We were all warmed-up for the crowd and experienced plenty of laughing fits on camera. My own hyena laugh was in full throttle, and I didn't have a care in the world. Youngbae had recently gifted me with his own preference of a Chrome Hearts bracelet, one that was more sturdy than Jiyong's. I wore Youngbae's on my left wrist and Jiyong's on my right, and both took notice in how I waved my hands around animatedly, responsive and teasing.

    Jiyong had worn a bright red handkerchief around his own right wrist that day, claiming it as some sort of key fashion point, and the fool I was, I thought I could mock him. Sometimes I got away with it, but most times victory did not suit my name. He was still the golden child, after all.

    I had brought a handkerchief of my own, a black one, and waved it around, laughing and caught up in the moment of teasing him. Within a second, the clasp had let loose, releasing all the charms in mid-air, and the metal had made it's way with gravity to thump onto the hard ground.

I just stared down at it, in shock, until I felt warm hands examining my wrist.

"You okay?" Jiyong inquired, trying to turn my head to look at him, but I could only continue to stare downwards.

"I'm fine, hyung, but--your--its--" I stuttered, already bending down to pick up the larger of the broken pieces and gathering it into my handkerchief, now on my knees, in a daze. I wasn't sure if the cameras were still recording, so I kept my poker face. Jiyong had squatted to the ground beside me, and Youngbae had joined in, as we spent the next few minutes trying to find the missing pieces. A few of the show's staff got up on stage to help us look, too, until it was time to get back into our seats and continue filming.

   When we went on break after the first part of recording, I had stayed behind on stage to continue looking for the missing pieces. I had spent so much time staring at that bracelet when it was around my wrist that I had memorized the bits of it, every little detail that made it special. So I knew what to look for, and tried not to show my desperation to the audience. It didn't take much longer to complete my collection, and then I was off to join my hyungs in the break room. For the rest of the show, Jiyong would throw me apologetic glances, and other times he even looked a little angry, but I recognized it as teasing. "Aish," he groaned at me during break, "its your own fault, you know," to which I'd whine back and ask him why his choice of bracelet had to be so flimsy.

"Its kind of like you, isn't it?" he smiled gently at me, hands on my wrist again backstage. Everyone else was in the breakroom snacking on fruits or getting touch-ups on their makeup, while here we were, Jiyong and I, standing in a corner, looking around for a scrap of something to drop the bracelet contents into.

"I'm not flimsy," I huffed. He laughed, stroking his thumbs along the part of my wrist bone that stuck out a bit, his chewed-off nails attempting to soothingly scratch the skin.

"Seungriyah, _you_ were the one who said flimsy, not me," he chided. I rolled my eyes, trying to take my mind off whatever he was doing with my wrist. Jiyong had a way with touch, and all I could do was remember to breathe.

"I chose it because it was pretty," he continued, licking his lips. "I looked at it for a long time when I bought it, you know. It looked strong and gaudy, like how you project all that confidence and like to show off. But the charms were so small, like maknae. It seemed so _you_."

He stopped petting my wrist to allow me to breathe again, simply smiling down at the clump of broken metal wrapped in my black handkerchief.

"Overly confident, small maknae, with the delicate trinkets, because he makes so many slip-ups that I can't even count, and that's when I break him. Because he just won't stop," he teased.

"Stop what?" I asked. He looked up at the ceiling then, his thinking habit, and pursed his lips.

"Being you, I guess," he shrugged. "Even if it breaks you."

"How would it break me?"

He shook his head, left and right, seemingly so sure in what he was saying.

"It wouldn't be you, it would be _me_ to break you. If maknae were to ever change, like he's tried to, then I might break you just to get you back. Its that control issue again," he breathed. "The possessiveness," he whispered.

What he _wasn't_ saying was the word _love_ , like I figured he wouldn't, but I tried to be happy anyway. It was a start. So I nodded, smiling back at him, and made the boldest decision to lean my head into his chest standing up. It wasn't like anyone in the room was watching us anyway, so I pressed my lips into his collarbone, and his body went rigid for a few fleeting moments.

"I'm yours," I told him, yet again. He sighed, relaxing himself, and wrapped his arms around me, hands behind my head, fingers combing into my short, prickly hair.

"I get it, Seungriyah," he whispered. "I know."

"I won't change," I assured him. He said nothing more, as he let me go. It wouldn't be too much longer until the show had to go on, as we were the guests and had a job to do. So I set down the broken pieces on an empty corner of a makeup table, stared into my reflection while I was there, and could only put on my brightest smile.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about losing bracelet in Go Show: http://www.dkpopnews.net/2012/04/info-bit-more-clarification-about.html
> 
> about Ri dropping out: http://www.soompi.com/2012/03/09/bigbang-seungri-drops-out-of-college-to-focus-on-career/


	27. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I realized then that Jiyong had always been a man I could never quite predict, and somehow he had the ability of saying things eloquently with the least amount of words.

From late April to early May, we were adding the final touches to our Still Alive album. The Japan leg of the tour was fastly approaching, and our schedules were just as swiftly being filled up for Monster promotions. Jiyong's locks were now dyed a striking crimson red as my own buzz cut was trimmed even shorter. 

     Seunghyun had just recently told us that he was casted into a new movie, so filming the Monster MV with high-tech Hollywood cameras and performing in a background of exploding buildings felt appropriate. It was fun to feel like a sort of movie star, like Seunghyun, even if the filming lasted a mere four days. I loved to bathe in the spot light for as much as possible, so of course, having rarely the opportunity to actually get what I wanted, I was the first member to finish filming. Whining about it to the hyungs only resulted in cackles, finger-pointing, and an injured hand from trying to let out my frustrations onto a damned mannequin. Needless to say, I didn't get much pity for the minor injury either, no matter how much I played it up.

     While Jiyong and Youngbae were hanging out in the recording studios with producers, I had enrolled myself into Gukje Digital University, an online school so that I could continue my studies in my own free time. This was also the time that I had started to really pick up on studying Japanese. The comedy gags with Daesung were fully rehearsed for our concerts, and we felt much more prepared this time to entertain the crowd. Japanese culture had is own unique style of comedic timing and such which took some getting used to, but now Daesung and I could babble out old Japanese phrases and laugh to no end.

    We couldn't live in our old hostel dorms this time around due to the largeness of the country in which we were touring, so we inhabited whatever sponsored hotels that came with the Live Nation package. The drives to the concert arenas were quite close to where we stayed, so I was often sighing in relief to myself when I'd wake up ahead of the alarms I had set. We got to sleep in a bit.

     Since we kept changing hotels, we decided to take turns with whom we'd share our room. Seunghyun had a preference of switching back from our manager to Daesung, while Jiyong and Youngbae kept particularly close at that time, so most nights I either shared a room with Daesung or the manager.

     Once we had finished in the Nagoya and Yokohama arenas, we flew over to Osaka at the end of May into June. What was different this time around was that Jiyong had pulled and dragged me into a suite with him as soon as we were given our hotel keys. Something had happened. Still Alive was about to release in Korea on the day of our Osaka concert and he appeared stress-free, burdenless. All he did was take a firm hold of my forearm in the hotel lobby as he whispered a phrase I hadn't heard in a long time.

"Maknae is mine."

     We were in an elevator, the top half of its walls covered in mirrors with little brass sconces. I stared down at my feet, trying to hide a blush, studying the boring gray-tiled floors. The only other people with us in the elevator were two hotel staff luggage carriers, and Jiyong was speaking hangul so they wouldn't understand.

"Why the change of room mate?" I asked, desperately trying to find a spot of dust or dirt or _anything_ on the floor to focus on, but the Japanese were extremely clean people. I had no luck, and found Jiyong's reflection in the mirrors staring back at me. He smiled and reached over to pinch my nose, as I flinched away and rubbed at it with my palms.

"Ouch! Hyung!" I yelped. He chuckled.

"Booger," he replied simply.

"Hyung!"

     The elevator door swung open then and the hotel workers gestured for us to get out before them. We thanked them and bowed as they set our bags down outside our door. As Jiyong inserted his card key into the door's flat slot above the handle, he turned his head around towards me standing behind him and smiled again.

"I haven't picked on my booger lately," he said cheekily, laughing at his own joke. "Leader hasn't looked after his maknae in a while."

I rolled my eyes as he turned back around to wobble the door handle. There was a click, and then he was reaching an arm behind him to pull me inside.

The suite wasn't any different than what we were used to, two white cotton comforter beds with plush pillows and dark wooden headboards, a tv shelving unit on the opposite wall, a computer desk in the corner, nothing special. But there was something about Jiyong that lit up the room at this moment. He was doing that thing again where I couldn't breathe, and then he let go of my hand to belly flop onto the bed on the right side.

"I guess I get the left side," I mumbled, dropping my bags.

 "Oh no you don't," Jiyong interjected, though muffled through his pillow. "Our bags get the left side, come here." He pat a hand against the sheets, head still buried in the cotton.

I sighed and walked over to the edge of the mattress before his hand found mine and pulled me backwards, falling onto his back. I squirmed around as he kicked his legs in the air, hitting my ribs.

"Hyung!"

He was laughing and groaning at the same time, rolling over to give me room beside him.

And then I realised how there were mere inches between us, and Jiyong's brown eyes were locked onto mine.

"Maknae" Jiyong breathed, smiling gently at me.

As if it was nothing, Jiyong quickly leaned closer and pecked my lips with his own, and then proceeded to dig something out from one of his large back pockets of his jeans. My brain was still catching up when he started picking at a small stack of pink and white envelopes. Fan mail from the airport?

"Yah, I need your help reading these," Jiyong directed, propping himself up on his elbows and craning his neck to the side to slyly smirk in my direction.

"Oh," I replied lamely. "Sure."

He handed me one of the pink letters scribbled in bubble letters of a mix of hiragana and katakana. It was a three-paged love confession, and I was already groaning. So I just skimmed over it and hoped he wouldn't mind.

"Oo-waah! Sugehh! GD wa hontoni kinbendesu" I read to him. This girl's enthusiasm rivaled my own. "She says you're really hardworking."

Jiyong grinned real wide. Even now, he still reacted this way to the fans' love notes. I just watched as he squeezed his eyes shut in an obvious happiness and bit at his nails.

"Leadah erai yo," I continued. "Leader is amazing."

"Aish!" he groaned, still biting his nails and slouching over himself.

"She's right though," I added.

"Yah!" he groaned again.

"Oh come on, hyung." I laughed. "Its nothing new."

He buried his head into his hands and sighed, chewing on his lower lip in great worry, biting back another smile.

"The way maknae says it," he laughed, voice light and fluttery, a little above his usual low octave of talking.

"What?" I asked, smiling back at him. "Do you like it? I could say it at the concert tonight, if you'd like!"

"Aniyo!" he groaned, lifting his head from his hands.

"That's a yes, then," I teased. He sighed.

"Even if I say no, you'd do it anyway," he huffed. "You're so embarrassing."

"The fans will like it," I replied, sticking out my tongue. He rolled his eyes, but smiled anyway, and then he was leaning closer to me again. His fingers pinched at my ear and he started wiggling my industrial piercing around. It didn't hurt anymore, but it still felt weird.

His lips pressed softly to my ear, and then carefully slid down to my cheek. Heat quickly flushed to my face, as I closed my eyes tight because _how was this happening right now_?

I felt his breath tickle between my nose and upper lip before quickly pecking me on the lips again, utterly caught off guard in the blindness of my closed eyes that I now refused to open. What if our eyes met? What should I say?

"Seungriyah," he laughed, squishing my cheeks together with his hands.

"Mmf," I muffled. My cheeks were so squished that my lips were puckering, and he leaned in to kiss them again.

"This is all I can do," he sighed happily.

"Eh?"

"Just. Thank you. And I'm sorry," he replied, leaning backwards.

"For what?"

"For waiting."

"Oh."

I realized then that Jiyong had always been a man I could never quite predict, and somehow he had the ability of saying things eloquently with the least amount of words. My brain was still trying to catch up, its processing as slow as my beating heart was fast.

So those compliments and words of love were definitely going to be said at Osaka's concert for everyone to hear, and as I did so accordingly, he pecked at my cheek for all the crowd to see.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Mamo2min on twitter for her gri fan account of Osaka's concert on June 3rd : http://nyongtori.tumblr.com/post/24385941360/gri-during-120603-alive-tour-in-osaka
> 
> Seungri in making of Monster MV : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBnBL8QREKw


	28. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had grown, and what I had become wasn't always meant to be seen in a positive light.

 It was announced in mid-June that I would stay in Japan for two months to work on solo promotions. Jiyong, meanwhile, had started on a second solo album for himself in Seoul. Once again, we were separated. It had felt like something changed between us, or at least to me, yet we were back to being blocked by physical distance. The only times I saw the other members was when I left Japan for our China concerts. It was never enough.

    July fifteenth was the day I moved into my own apartment, no longer in the care of hotel staff. I was on my own, though certainly not vain enough to think I was alone. There was a sort of online diary that the fans could subscribe to in order to catch up with my daily adventures, and I was able to meet and become friendly with Japanese idols and comedians whom I greatly admired. There were more phone numbers in my cell phone's contact list than ever before. I even decorated my apartment with fun pieces of animal statues and figurines. There was an interesting black-and-white dalmatian couple that I just had to buy as a set, and the end-table by my bed had small models of deer, lions, sheep, and horses. My attitude was to do my best to have fun, trying new things and living in a different culture. In the process, I had met many amazing people and grew attatched. Jiyong had told me in our phone conversations that he had similar experiences when he was in Paris not even a month ago, with that same open attitude. He was able to have fun all the while causing a scene with his candy pink hair and adventurous risks with fashion. But then again, Jiyong was always pretty open and adventurous, right? When he played music in his room during downtime, it was never just one genre that he listened to, and his openness was one of the things I really admired my hyung for. Risks. Jiyong took risks. So would I.

     The problem for me, though, was that I didn't have the fortune that Jiyong had with risks that were well-taken. Successful events involved with me couldn't just happen spontaneously. I had to plan things out just a bit. Ad-libbing in a performance or on a comedy show was one thing, but stepping way out of my comfort zone was something else. I had set limits for how much of a fool I could present myself as, and I just so happened to run into someone that tested those limits. Things started to get sloppy, I didn't sleep as much, and though I told myself I wasn't alone, it all became too much. I was alone. I was vain.

     Through connections at work, from a director who knew a model who knew a porn store manager and on the list went, I met an older woman behind a recording studio after taping a show for a few hours. The sun was setting and she was dressed like she was ready for a nice dinner, and I knew of her name, so I figured why not acquaint myself with her. She was pretty enough, with long black locks brushing over her pushed-up breasts and sporting a killer figure beneath her shin-length evening dress. Plus she had a wicked tongue and knew all of my rehearsed jokes, offering to add in variety, suggesting new gag comedians to look up and the like. Her knowledge of the Japanese entertainment industry was astounding, so of course I was inclined to pick her ear on things that weren't spoken of. She wanted to be an actress once, but the dream faded, and now she was more or less a stripper.

And that's when my actions turned sloppy, and I was pining for her like a fool. Like a new level of stupid. My most idiotic thought: I was alone.

     It was on Jiyong's birthday that I finally gave in. I booked myself a reservation for one at a swank restaurant downtown, brought a camera with me, and ordered a lone slice of cake while delivering what was supposed to be a happy birthday message for my hyung. I clapped and smiled in front of a softly-lit candle as a professional singer belted out "happy birthday to you" in the distance, and I felt fake. Guilty. This was a lie. All the fans were going to see this video, and I was lying to them, to myself. I wondered if Jiyong would see through me.

     Once the video was finished, my lips quivered on their own accord and I sobbed. A grown man at a lovely restaurant, leaking out tears over a linen table cloth for a year-older friend who wasn't here. In an attempt to cover the humility, I pulled out my cell phone from my pants pocket and dialed the one number that I immediately knew I shouldn't. But I did anyway, and she joined me for dinner not even an hour later. A few more after that, I invited her over.

\-----

     I chose not to feel that night. Through the moans, I ignored her lips. She was so easy, too easy, and I felt a numb sickness. I was simply a mess, no more or less. My mind was elsewhere as my hips rose and dipped into her, and I just needed to get it over with. I just needed to come and end it soon so that my tensions could be eased and I could beat myself up mentally afterwards.

     I didn't even pay attention to what I was doing, but I was certain I had become a different person. Moans turned into croaks of pain as I had my way with her. Again, sloppy and messy were the key words. Choking. Her fists were deeply tangled into the bed sheets as her legs wrapped around my lower back. My grip on her neck was causing her to wheeze, and she desperately pulled her upper torso away from me just as I was at my climax. Because she moved, I had spilled onto her chest and I could only hand her a bath towel from the pile of laundry on my floor. I could tell she was displeased, she was disgusted. Maybe that's what I wanted. If I liked it, then I would have felt even worse about what I was doing to Jiyong.

     I fell asleep not too long after, now at an all-time low. Just like at that night club in Tokyo when Jiyong pulled me outside into the alleyway and told me he couldn't keep coming back to me. That I was worrisome and couldn't be trusted. Just like the nights I spent on college campus playing around with young women. Just like the hurt I'd seen in Jiyong's eyes as he studied me when he thought I wasn't looking. I had grown, and what I had become wasn't always meant to be seen in a positive light.

\-----

     I had texted the hyungs a few times to let them know I was well, or to at least pretend I was well, but the only one who called me back, oddly enough, was Daesung. He was visiting Japan more often too, and there was already talk of him working on Japanese songs in the studio. He told me he'd talk to Hyun Suk about moving in with me in my apartment. Youngbae's schedule also involved a short trip to Japan in the coming week, so I was notified a few days later that he would join in too. Seunghyun was still incredibly busy working on his movie, of course, and I hadn't heard from Jiyong in almost a month as his mini solo album was about to be released.

Two days before Jiyong's online album release was when my scandal broke out. My affair had been told off to a Japanese tabloid magazine, and I might as well have locked myself in my apartment and hid. But that wasn't me. I wouldn't be a coward.

When Youngbae came to visit was when I paid my dues, or at least what I thought would be the worst of it. He slammed his luggage hard onto the ground as he entered my apartment after being picked up from the airport.

"You're lucky Jiyong doesn't know yet," he spit at me. "He doesn't need this when he's trying to focus on his own career. God, you're such a..." he sighed, bending down at the door's walkway to loosen his shoe laces and reach for an extra pair of indoor sandals.

I didn't want to hear what he thought of me, but I asked anyway.

"Most times I think to myself that we have the best maknae out there. You really don't even know..." he said lowly, pulling himself back up to enter my kitchen and take out a water bottle from the fridge.

"Seungriyah,how do you think Jiyong would react if he..." he started, pinching at his plastic bottle cap.

"I know, hyung," I replied simply. "He'd give me his cold stare and wouldn't talk to me and then we'd just be right back where we started again. He'd tell me to grow up, but then somewhere he'd forgive me and cling to me, and then I'd mess up again, and then..."

God, this really was a pattern, wasn't it.

"Why can't you just skip over the messing up part," he asked me in a frustrated plea, rather than just a question.

"Because..." I pondered. Huh. Because I was an attention seeker. Because I was human. Because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Because I couldn't keep still. Because I couldn't shut up or stop moving or even exist, really, any of these things, without Jiyong. That hyung who grew to throw his affections at me and that hyung who I hated first because of it, and the way he'd tease me and make me wait for such stupid things.

"Because he just...finds work at the worst times, just when its getting good, and he leaves, and then I'm on my own for too long, and he leaves me waiting and..."

I lowered my head, extending my arms outward to grip at the edges of my kitchen sink in front of me. Youngbae came to my side and whacked at the back of my head with his water bottle.

"Itaaii!" I winced, reaching my arms up to cover my neck, but Youngbae had caught both arms in mid-air and tied them behind my back in a tight hold. I wriggled my shoulders around but he kept his grip and I was remembering all too clearly how Taeyang, though as kind and as earnest as he seemed, was the strong one.

"And what, Seungriyah? Why would you stoop so low?" he asked, voice cold and muscles tense. His grip was tight, and his own sets of silver bracelets and rings were digging into my skin.

"Because I can't..." I started, licking my lips. "I can't get him to clearly say that he...loves me," I murmured. My face was already flushed in a matter of seconds and Youngbae loosened his grip finally.

"And how is what you did supposed to help," he dully inquired. "Seungriyah, you don't make much sense."

"Yeah."

It was all I could say, really, before Youngbae screwed open his bottle cap and poured all of his cold water down my neck over the sink. It was like having ice slid down my back and it may have been summer, but this was inside and the air conditioner was on full-blast. I shivered and hunched over, hair drenched and the water was definitely in my eyes and up my nose. It stung.

"Aish," he groaned, picking up his luggage by the entrance to place it by my couch in the little t.v. area, right by my dalmatian couple. I think, of all the hyungs, Youngbae's sighs were the heaviest, the ones with the most effect. Because Youngbae was the least dramatic one, really. So it hurt. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the night and just slept on the couch and went out to eat when he was hungry. I couldn't blame him. Jiyong would have done the same. Youngbae was going easy on me, and I knew it. The next morning he gave me the longer lecture, and I listened. Jiyong would find out soon about what I did, and really I had no idea what to suspect.

Jiyong's solo was, of course, doing amazingly well on all the charts, and Korea was going crazy for hip-hop and black and white. I wouldn't meet him face-to-face until we were in Singapore, and the only things I was certain of seeing were angry brown eyes and cotton candy hair.

Off to Singapore.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seungri's apartment in Japan: http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/07/seung-chans-blog-house-moving-party-120714-photos.html
> 
> GD about Ri's scandal:http://www.soompi.com/2012/09/26/big-bang-members-scolded-seungri-for-his-scandals-and-say-he-is-reflecting/
> 
> Ri celebrating GD's birthday <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/08/seungris-me2day-kwon-jiyong-dont-reject-me-120818-video.html


	29. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What he was asking from me wasn't much, was it?

Jiyong was oddly normal once we were at our hotel. For once, Youngbae's lecture was worse than the leader's, maybe because an issue like this had already happened with us. The first thing he did when we reunited was punch me hard in the arm and pull at my ears. It still hurt, of course, but he was in a rather good mood. I guess he was on that solo album high. Crayon was out, and Psy-hyung's Gangnam Style was viral now. It was a happy time, an opportune occasion to promote Korea and sing our hearts out. I guess I had the band's popularity at my advantage.

     After spending so much time away in Japan eating and talking endlessly on variety shows, Master Hwang had insisted he run me to the ground in the hotel's fitness room. He had me sweating like a pig and panting like a dog. I really needed to feel human again and take a shower, but then he had me on the tiled floor doing push-ups. Daesung would side-eye me from his treadmill, smiling at my misery, but then Hwangssabu put him to work too though it didn't really make me feel better.

     By the time I made it back to my room, whom I was sharing with our manager this time, I groaned inwardly at the light peeking out below the bathroom's door and the sound of the shower running. Damn.

And that is what led me to Jiyong's room, carrying a bath towel and a change of clothes.

Upon knocking, I heard him groan from inside. My bet was that he had just gotten comfortable. For such a thin guy, his stomps towards the door rumbled like thunder. I knew right away when his eyes had seen through the door's peep hole. He groaned even louder and jiggled the door handle before pressing a foot to the door and slamming it closed again.

"Hyung!"

He opened it again and I pushed at the door, but I was so weak at this point from the work-out that it closed again two more times. I gave up and sulked, turning away to press my back to the door and slide down to just sit there. The door swiftly swung open right when all my weight was against it, forcing me to fall right on my bum into his room, spilling my belongings on his carpet just as two hotel guests casually walked by in the hallway to stare at me, as if on cue to be there for embarrassment's sake. Jiyong bent forward onto his knees and laughed as he closed his door, waving his arms apologetically at the two strangers.

"Don't mind him, sorry," he laughed, and they laughed along before the door was fully closed and he swatted at my back with my bundled boxers.

"Oww! Hyung!"

He stared down at me, eyes twinkling, crossing his arms with my boxers still in his grip.

"Well. Look who showed up," he teased. "I don't suppose your towel is for someone else this time, hmm?"

I kept my mouth shut, and his expression could have spoken a thousand words. He pressed his foot onto my stomach from above and wriggled his toes against my ribs.

"Hyung!" I whined again, and he threw the rest of my clothes right into my face.

"Get up and shower before Bae gets back," he said curtly over his shoulder before walking back to his bed. I could have cried in joy. The shower was mine.

\---

     Upon entering hyung's bathroom, I couldn't help but notice the usual things on the sink counter. Hair gel, his two combs, a large tube of toothpaste that he shared with Youngbae, make-up remover, and a bottle of cologne were all neatly placed at the right-hand corner between the sink and mirror. Youngbae's were on the left side. It wasn't until after I stepped out of the bathtub from my shower that I noticed his other belongings. As I did a short run-through of blow-drying my hair, I noticed a hand-sized plastic-lined makeup bag, designer, no less. It was perched behind the tissue box.

Inside, there were even smaller bags of a few spare pairs of earrings and rings, BB cream, chapstick, and condoms.

I shouldn't have been bothered by it, I really shouldn't have.

\---

Once I was out of the bathroom, I went straight for the door out. I figured Jiyong was napping or something because he hadn't said anything, but I jumped when I heard "yah" just before my fingers made contact with the door handle.

  
"You're not escaping so easily this time, maknae," he laughed lowly. He was perched up on his elbows on his bed, texting rapidly on his cell phone. When he looked up from his screen and studied me, I knew immediately that Jiyong obviously wasn't going to go as easy on me as I thought he would.

"Okay hyung," I replied, turning around from the door. Now that I was fully facing him, he looked me up and down once more. I was wearing loose gray sweat pants and a plain white t-shirt, suddenly wishing I had brought something better for pajamas.

"What are you being so quiet for? Here," he directed, patting a hand on his mattress. "Come sit. Drop your stuff."

I swallowed, uneasy, before obliging.

He hummed lightly and puckered his lips, staring at the ceiling.

"First thing on your mind, Seungriyah. Tell me."

I watched as he placed his phone on his bed-side table until the screen's light faded out and went to black.

"Umm," I started,"since when did you.."

"Hmm?"

"Since when did you start bringing condoms to concerts, anyway?"

Well.

Instant mood breaker. His familiar cold stare returned and I met his eyes with caution.

"You looked through my stuff in there?"

I nodded. He was pissed.

"Seungriyah."

He hunched over and lowered his head towards the ground, sitting at the bed's edge beside me. His hands clenched and loosened, making his bracelets jingle along with the movements of his wrist.

"Seungriyah, why does it matter? Its not your business, especially not after..."

I sighed, my heart raced.

"Hyung, I'm sorry."

He turned his head to me then, this time with eyes less cold.

"Maknae. Did you...No," he started. "I'm not going to give you a big talk about it, but you do use protection, right?"

I merely nodded.

"Well I get it. I didn't at first, because I get selfish when it comes to maknae, but..." he trailed off, lost in a moment of conflicting thoughts while biting on his lower lip. "I understand that we all have needs at times. I understand that much. And maybe you get lonely, though I'm still not sure of how yet, because you're always chatting or texting with someone on your phone. But anyway..."

I had never seen such an expression on Jiyong before. There was still anger simmering, but over that layer was something sad, and another layer was dark, like longing or lust.

"But anyway, what you did. We all do it. I just wish you wouldn't."

My breath caught in my throat.

"But hyung, that isn't fair if you-"

"Those things in there aren't just for me, Seungri. I rarely use them, especially overseas. Its just a precaution."

He twirled his rings around his fingers while averting his gaze back to the carpets again.

"Hyung. If you don't mind me asking, how many women have you actually been with?"

He smirked and shook his head.

"Fewer than you, playboy."

"Hyung!"

He chuckled lowly then, finally twirling his rings up his fingers to slip them off and place them beside his phone.

"Yeh. Listen, maknae. I've been thinking."

He pinched off the clasps to his bracelets next, sliding them down to his knuckles before dropping them on the bed-table's memo pad.

"Hmm?"

As unexpected as always, he leaned in close and urgently pressed his lips to my own.

The next thing I knew, a palm gently caressed my jaw as he pulled away to press again onto my mouth. Frozen in place, it took me a long time to respond as his fingers stroked my cheek. He kissed me once on each corner of my mouth before my jaw loosened for him.

I laughed inwardly at the rough texture of his lips. Always chapped. Didn't it bother me before?

"What have you been thinking about, hyung?" I asked him, trying to breathe again. He pulled far back and rested his hands on both shoulders.

"I've been thinking of how to maintain you, how to get you to stop with the women," he laughed. "But you're always just going to give me trouble, so there's not much to think about."

I apologised again, and he simply shook his head.

"No, stop. I'm trying to be mad at you. Seungriyah, if you could, I want you to do me a huge favor," he sighed.

I stared at him curiously then, slightly nodding my head. His fingers brushed over my cheek to my hairline, and then threaded into my hair, already grown out again after Monster promotions. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Next time, when you want to get in trouble, let me be there with you."

He fixed his gaze to the wall behind me before coming back to me.

"The last time when I was in trouble, remember? You told me you'd share the guilt and the mistakes. I want that too. From you."

Oh.

"If you're going to run off like that without thinking straight again, I might as well get in trouble with you."

Both hands tugged tightly at bundles of hair as he came in closer again and kissed me once more.

What he was asking from me wasn't much, was it? Yet my heart was racing, my skin tingled, and my stomach was attacked with those little flutters that made it constantly a struggle to breathe.

He leaned in even closer as I threw my hands just below his ribs and widened the space between my legs for him to hover over me. I had no idea what I was doing, but he swifly swung a leg over the space of mattress between my legs and kept his fingers combing into the hairs at the back of my head. He licked my lips, rolling his tongue along the edges until I gave in, and then he would gently push in and out from my lips, leaving me gaps of time for air.

"So what do you say? Could you do it?" he breathed, moving his fingers downwards, brushing my neck, my arms, before placing his hands at the hem of my t-shirt. I could only nod as he gently pulled up my shirt a bit to smooth his digits over the skin underneath.

What he was asking was for me to replace those women with him, the person who knew me best. What he was inadvertantly saying was that yes, I was his, and maybe he was mine.

At the back of my head I knew it was getting late, and I knew Youngbae would be back soon. We had a concert tomorrow, and it might just be the first time in the tour for GD to perform Crayon live in a different country. I needed to go back to the manager's room, but I wanted just one last thing before I left.

"Hyung," I smiled, moving my hands over his own, pulling them off of me and tugging my shirt down.

"What?" he asked, smiling back, though with eyebrows raised in confusion.

"I'm your maknae, right?"

"Aish," he groaned, smiling with his teeth. His hands were off me now, and I was already up and on my way to the door.

"See you in the morning, hyung. Hwaiting for tomorrow," I said over my shoulder.

"Mm. Of course. Have a good night, maknae."

I nodded, and all that was left was to pick up my clothes from the floor.

"I love you," he said softly, still at the edge of his bed. He pulled his teeth back in and smiled in the way where his chin would wrinkle and his cheeks would appear rounder. It was his gentlest smile, and I savored it for all it was worth before exiting his room and softly clicking his door behind me.

The hallways were extremely quiet at this time of night. I recognized snores from certain staff members a few doors down to the left. Sure enough, Youngbae had just gotten off from the elevator and was on his way back to his room with Jiyong. He offered me a quick greeting of "are you ok?" as I simply nodded, and I could tell he was just as I felt an hour ago. In desperate need of a shower and rest.

So I smiled and went back to my room where the manager had stayed up for me and told him I hadn't done anything stupid, to which he just rolled his eyes and told me to go to bed. The next onset of weeks were going to be full of touring Asia, and it was probably going to start to get repetitive and tiring soon enough, but I was ready for anything.

Anything and everything.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> G-Ri in Singapore fan video! <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jebcXNDtNwQ
> 
> fan cam, read the video's description! <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_E6_TaM14o


	30. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is how you really feel, Seungriyah?"
> 
> I nodded, placing my own hands on his extended forearm.
> 
> "I could say it in as many languages as I wanted, you know, hyung," I smiled.

After Singapore, Daesung and I headed back to Japan to continue our schedules only to fly out again a week later for Thailand. Busy, busy. October and November were packed with concerts in addition to our solo projects, and our original plans were to wrap up the tour in December before we had all those end-of-the-year award shows to attend. Those plans were soon changed though as we were notified of a final dome tour in Japan, as we made extra time to record Japanese versions of some of our solos.

     Youngbae and Jiyong's newest interest belonged to a gun toy that the American band members brought over which shot out little foam tubes with suction cups on them. Their earlier phase of the year involved skateboards, so at least this time there wouldn't be scars or scabs to look after.

     Of course now that they couldn't injure themselves with said toy, I was chosen as the new human target. Youngbae still held a grudge against me, obviously, and because Jiyong and Youngbae were inseperable friends, Jiyong did as his hyung did and teamed up against me, chasing me around backstage.

     I guess this was like my own time for self reflection, so I let my hyungs have at me. They wouldn't hurt me, after all. They couldn't. I was maknae, but I knew they still loved me.

"Raaaaarahhhh!"

     In Jiyong's typical growling manner, he chased me as I ran screaming down the hallways of the dressing rooms, dipping and curving around simple white walls covered in the occasional concert poster of local and world artists. Rehearsals were currently working with Daesung only to make sure his harness would work, so the other members were having a short break.

     As Jiyong chased me into a corner of the walls, behind me came Youngbae. They shot all their darts at once as I tried to block my face with my arms while laughing in between my whines. The suction cups were in no way strong enough to stick to me, so as the little foam darts fell to the ground, Jiyong swooped down to the tiled floors to pick up and reload his gun as Youngbae caught me into a headlock.

"Hajima! Hajima!" I yelled in my usual overly-dramatic volume, as Jiyong snickered, kneeling on the floor and aiming at my legs from below. Youngbae pulled tighter at my neck as I squinted my eyes shut and grimaced.

"Hmm. Nope," Youngbae replied simply as I tried to squirm out of his hold and pretend to gag.

"Your acting skills need work, maknae."

"Yah! Says the singer-!"

     Jiyong ran out of missles again and proceeded to wrap his arms around my legs from below to mess with my balance. I promptly fell over as Youngbae let me go. It was just in time, too, because a staff member was looking for the tiny-braided singer from a few doors down. Me falling over didn't even make him turn around. He just laughed as he ran up to a noona in the distance, never looking back. The hallways were clearing out again now that rehearsals were transitioning to working with a new member, and now Jiyong was smirking at me with his loaded gun back in his grip.

     I didn't realize that, upon tripping over to meet the ground, Jiyong had stayed on his knees and hovered over my fallen form, legs splayed out on the cold tiled floor. His toy gun was pointed right at my heart like this was some movie flick and Jiyong, as always, had claimed victory.

"Bang," Jiyong said with his winning smile, as he dropped his gun and draped himself over me, the both of us now laying on the floor.

A gut feeling told me I probably shouldn't complain as Jiyong dug his head into my right shoulder and lifted up my shirt a bit to poke at my stomach.

"Wow. So you really have let yourself go," he snickered, teeth biting at the collar of my shirt. His fingers found my ribs and squeezed them.

"I'm working on it," I sighed. "Aish, hyung, one night with Hwangssabu won't be enough and-"

His teeth made contact with skin above the shirt collar and bit down then as he continued to poke his little jabs into my belly. His shoulders shook in laughter.

"Of course one night isn't enough," he replied, sticking out his tongue into a smile, pressed at my neck now.

"Hyung," I whined, pursing my lips tight as he bit into my skin again, right above my collarbone. This was torture, whetever he was doing.

He craned his neck then to look at me, smiling into a lip bite.

"I've got a new assignment for you as leader," he started, digging a pinky into my belly button. I squirmed at the odd sensation.

"What, hyung?"

He looked over his shoulders, left and right, behind him, everywhere, before turning his gaze back to me. The halls were quiet again.

"Don't have Japan make you soft again," he laughed. "You've got an image to uphold, after all. Besides-"

He dipped down to kiss the corner of my mouth right before squatting and pulling himself up on his feet again to look down at me. I merely blinked as he extended out his hand from above to help pull me back to my feet.

'I have plans."

I finally reached out to take up his offer, but he swiftly pulled his arm up over his head right as I was about to grasp it.

"Yah!" I groaned. Hyung constantly found new games to play with me, didn't he? He would always be the most difficult hyung and I couldn't ever decide if I hated it or was thrilled at the challenge. But that was Jiyong. Ever-changing, teasing, experimenting. I thought back to the days when we called ourselves Tom and Jerry.

The staff were looking around for him next along with Seunghyun to rehearse their duo stages together. He quickly waved me off before promptly turning at the heels of his sneakers in the opposite direction. I was left on the floor, not sure what to do while waiting for my own run-through on stage, so I just sort of stayed there until my name was called. As soon as it occurred to me that hyung's red toy gun was still left on the floor, a noona passed by to pick it up. Why couldn't I ever win?

\-----

 

After Thailand, I stayed in Korea for a few days until it was time to head out for Indonesia.

     On our six hour flight to Jakarta, I began to research a bit on my phone about things tourists could do there, something I was making a habit of doing for each place we visited. Language barriers couldn't be helped, and I found myself contantly asking for the hyung's help even with English. Bahasa Indonesia was next on my list, and all I could do was try to remember a few phrases. Jiyong would tease me for taking my fan service too seriously, but then again he had his own ways of hamming it up for fans, so I mocked him in return. But he was tired, so really I just let him sleep. Seunghyun, next to him, was studying a movie script and I wished he'd get more rest too. As for my own aisle on board our plane, Daesung kept me company. Youngbae sat with the manager behind us.

"Aku cinta padamu. Aku cinta padamu," I chanted softly in my seat.

"What're you saying, maknae?" Daesung asked.

"It means I love you," I smiled. "I have to remember it. You too, hyung,"

Daesung chuckled and pinched my cheek. 

"Aigoo. So cute. Okay I'll chant with you." he smiled.

     It didn't take long for Youngbae to lean forward from his seat behind us in curiosity, and together we were able to throw together a beat-box and rap to the words that were used in concert. I'd like to think the crowd enjoyed it.

     And of course one of the first things I did upon checking in to Ritz Carlton was change and find the hotel's complimentary exercise room. Hwangssabu and Youngbae joined along as Jiyong chose to laze around the pool. The tropical weather was so beautiful to take in through the glass windows in front of the treadmill, but I was determined to see through to whatever Jiyong's plan was that involved me spending more time with the trainer. So basically I shut up.

     Not that I got to see him much anyway. Upon ending our last concert in Jakarta, Jiyong took a separate car leaving the arena earlier than us because he had a plane to catch. Filming for Inkigayo in Seoul was the next day, and he was still promoting.

     About two hours after he left, I called him because I worried. Traffic around the stadium tended to be problematic. He was still in the airport, about to board.

"Yah," he barked on the receiver's end, but I could hear the teasing in his voice. "What do you want?" he laughed.

"Just being a considerate maknae, aish," I rolled my eyes, leaning my cell phone onto one shoulder as I undressed in my hotel room.  I was sharing a room with manager this time, but he was out with Seunghyun getting a drink at the bar.

"Im fine," he sighed. "Made it just in time for check-in with about twenty minutes to spare before boarding."

"Good," I smiled, switching the phone over to my other shoulder. "And traffic?"

"I think a fan saved me," he said simply, and then he was laughing quietly to himself upon thinking about it, muttering about crowds near the stadium's parking garage.

"Eh?"

"Anyway," he ignored me. "I'm in my seat now on board. I'm hanging up."

"Hyung!"

"What?" he groaned, annoyed.

"Hwaiting for tomorrow," I said quickly in one breath. "And, umm, you'll be in Narita after Inkigayo, right? I'll see you then."

"Yeah, till then. I expect a new photo from Ssabusshi soon. I want to see progress."

And then he hung up, and the manager came back from the bar to find me doing crunches on the carpet.

\-------

 

Taiwan was next.

     Mandarin was at least a little more familiar to me, I had to admit, because of Japan's borrowing of kanji, but I still couldn't remember much. Somehow I had managed to get Tabi to remember "bao bei" and all of us of course knew "wo ai ni," so that was a start, at least.

     It seemed even Seunghyun now noticed that I was unusually still spending more time with our body trainer. He laughed along and told me to keep up my work ethic and I fired back and told him to join me. Seunghyun was my rival after all, right? In looks, our joke. To my surprise, he offered to work out with me. He didn't even change his clothes, and off we went, with him pushing me from behind to yet another hotel fitness room. We spent the first hour competing on the treadmills for most calories lost. He set a brisk pace with his long legs and I had no choice but to keep up. Losing to my hyungs, no matter what the task, was becoming a constant occurence that I wanted halted but would never get.

"My machine is broken! There's no way you're winning!" I whined as Seunghyun smirked and stuck out his tongue.

"You're forgetting my name is Top," he teased, but something flashed in his eyes and he suddenly looked more serious.

"Hyung?"

He let out a little huff of satisfaction before turning down the incline on his own machine and patting at his face and neck with a hand towel. Turning his head to me, his eyes narrowed in on my hands gripping the treadmill's bar handle.

"Yeh, maknae," he started, and he was already smiling again. "You really don't have to try so hard, you know."

"Hah?"

My face must have looked comical, as he bent over his head in his low rumble of laughter.

"Ji was just telling me the other day, no wait. Was it last week? That maknae was gaining back his baby fat. But I told him we don't age backwards and was so confused."

No, I understood, I told him.

"Do you take everything he says to heart?" he laughed, thick brows raised.

"Yah!" I pouted, pushing at his left arm. He pushed me back a little harder and I guess I deserved this too.

"Ji's not going to disown you or anything, maknae. He mentions you so many times when jokes come up."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course he won't. I'm maknae, and you all love me."

"Whoa. Isn't it too early in the day to already be talking like that?"

Never. I was loved, and Jiyong taught me that.

\------

 

Two days later, we were in the Philippines.

     Yet again, Jiyong spent his downtime in the hotel's pool, this time accomanied by Youngbae and Daesung. I kept myself cooped up inside with our trainer again, though I heard Dara noona was going to show us around town after our concert later since this place was her specialty. I had something to look forward to.

     Tagalog was on my next list of languages to try, and "mahal kita" became my current chant. Saying I love you to the fans was always first, right? Saying it in Hangul or English was always an option, but I liked the little challenges.

     We had a nice dinner at a casual restaurant recommended by noona of course, and Jiyong ordered a large San Miguel. He took a selca with the huge beer glass before decidedly sharing it with all of us at our table. Testing our tolerance was always fun, I guess, but I made sure to hold back too.  We didn't have to fly out again until three days later, but I had messed up way too many times with alcohol. Jiyong became quite lax as the night progressed and told me to ease up. I just shrugged my shoulders and told him the sugars would go to straight to my gut and make me soft again. He threw his head back and laughed.

Cheeks flushed and still laughing, he threw his arms around me in a quick hug at our table. I looked down to hide my expression; I was probably looking dumb again.

When it was time to go back to our hotel, Jiyong grasped my hand under our table and let me hold on to it as we walked out to our ride. Our remaining days were fun and peaceful too, though it seemed our next place to visit was attacked with heavy rain.

\----

 

     The plane ride to Malaysia was unnerving. The cabin shook and turbulence was strong. The landing was hard too, and there was no way to relax. Staff members bought us umbrellas and parkas at the airport.

     Even so, I still remembered to look up "saya cinta kamu." I probably should have looked up how to say something about the rain too, but my thoughts were preoccupied. We were going to have to perform outside to an audience that may not all be there because of the weather, but of course I was pleasantly surprised to see such a high turn-out of attendance anyway.

     Singing and dancing in the rain was a romantic notion, but the truth was that our stage costumes were getting wet not just with rain, but with mud and sweat. I heard we were going to have new costumes for the remaining leg of the tour and was beyond relieved.

     Perhaps performing in these conditions was like love; it certainly sounded romantic, but once you were actually in it, shivering in the autumn rain and sinking down into the soft earth, it was messy. But you just had to let the weather do as it wanted since it wasn't something you could control, so there you are, blindedy in love struggling in a mess of the emotional storms of your heart.

     Jiyong was still in a good mood, at least. Apparently Seunghyun had told Jiyong about our little competition in Taiwan and was still chuckling that I had lost to him.

"Hyung has a point though," he'd told me, smiling from ear to ear with the hood of his clear parka almost covering his eyes. We were rehearsing on stage, trying to get through our mic checks as quickly as possible.

"About what?"

"You don't have to always do as I say, you know. You're your own person, Seungriyah."

I pulled up my own hood as a rumble of thunder sounded from close by.

"I know, hyung. But when it comes to you, I need that control. I told you before, go ahead and be possessive. I'm yours, right?"

"Maknae," he sighed, dropping his shoulders as if at a loss.

"The things I do on my own you rarely approve of, that's why," I told him simply. "I mess up when you're not there."

"Seungriyah." He crossed his arms. "That's only when drinking or women is involved" A pause. "Or when its your time to talk in an interview, or when its your time to sing, or when you're at home searching the web, or..."

I kind of wanted to laugh.

"Hyung. I'm used to it."

His eyes narrowed on me as he pursed his lips.

"Hmm."

"What?" His gaze felt heavy, and suddenly I felt self-conscious.

"You've really changed, huh."

Oh.

I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Yeh, hyung."

     The strength of his gaze lightened up, and I found it easier to breathe. His expression. How do I say it? The corners of his lips pointed upwards and his chin wrinkled, something smug or prideful. He lowered his head and those brown eyes had turned a shade warmer as he extended an arm out towards me, a hand resting on my cheek. His thumb wiped away the droplets of rain water that moistened my face.

"This is how you really feel, Seungriyah?"

I nodded, placing my own hands on his extended forearm.

"I could say it in as many languages as I wanted, you know, hyung," I smiled.

He shook his head and lightly slapped my cheek.

"Yah. I don't need that," he laughed. "Aish, maknae, you're such a..."

"What?"

He kicked my shin, causing me to hunch over in reaction, which led him to wrap his arms around me in an embrace.

"Oww!"

He dug his chin into my shoulder and used my back as a drum, fisting his hands against my shoulder blades in a mindless rhythm that rivaled the rain and then his breath tickled my ear as he sighed and moved his hands upwards to pinch the back of my neck.

"You're such an embarrassment," he laughed. "But you're mine."

\-----

 

     Finally back in Korea, the five of us had a schedule on Anmyeon Island for a photoshoot and CF on the coast. We'd only be home for three days until it was time to set out again, so I cherished as much as the island as I could. The air was getting colder and crisper as November approached, but the sun was still bright and the sky was still its beautiful light blue.

     I was a little worried. The U.S. was our next stop, but Hurricane Sandy had showed up unnannounced. It probably wasn't likely that things would be fixed over there after we were done in California. Again, weather problems. It couldn't be helped.

     But for now, our short stay at home did enough wonders to get me excited again about the tour and all that awaited us. America, Peru, London, and a few final visits to Hong Kong and Japan was all that was left before it all ended back home in Seoul again. 

Our future seemed boundless. On to the next show.

 

 


	31. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that was all it took. Years of triumphs and mistakes, of teasing, of pushing and pulling, of jabs and tackles, of anger, of worry. That was all it took to love him. He was the hero of my heart.

Our extremely long flight to the US was just as unbearable as I remembered it. At least I wasn't sick this time, but it was still a challenge to properly sleep. With a numb rear and stiff back, I was just thankful for a speedy landing so that I could get up and walk.

     Of course being spoiled with take-out burgers and bags of chips backstage didn't help either. At least Seunghyun was doing a good job of taking as much as the free junk food as he could from us on his birthday. The always-sunny weather of LA seemed to match Seunghyun's cheerfulness perfectly. This was, after all, the second year in a row that he would be spending his birthday with us, on a schedule, in a different country. I wanted that same care-free mindset, but I was trying to keep in mind that Jiyong still had those "plans."

    That said, our first concert in California was the next day after landing and the truth was that we were all tired. I slept on a full stomach and hoped I would wake up at a normal enough time in the morning to get a work out in there somewhere. It turned out I did, and off I went, both the day before and after our first concert, working up a sweat in the fitness room with Hwangssabu.

     The crowds were amazing; our shows were sold-out and we were starting anew with fresh costumes and a short break from the bad weather. It was a great comfort to hear the screams of fans no matter the country or language. I couldn't help but feel uplifted and excited here though, in the U.S. where foreign artists were still trying to break out.

    Once the two days of concerts were complete, Jiyong and Youngbae went off to meet people and shop around at Chrome Hearts and art studios. I was more interested in the Hollywood side of town, so my manager accompanied me to Universal Studios. These people really did live on a whole other scale. I wondered if this kind of thing would interest Seunghyun hyung, but he was off visiting his mother elsewhere in the states. Making a small vacation out of a busy schedule of promotions was a job well done, I thought, to say the least. Seunghyun definitely had a happy birthday.

     New York was a different story, however. The west side was sunshine and Hollywood, while the east was having blizzards and still repairing from Hurricane Sandy. What should have been a five hour flight became ten, and we had to wait around at the Buffalo airport until conditions were better for flying to JFK.

     Without much thought, I decided to bite at my nails as we sat around in a waiting-to-board area at the airport. Just the usual gray-cushioned seats and busy-bodied strangers walking briskly to their own terminals in the not so far distance. Beside me Jiyong was tapping away on his cell phone.

"Yah. Quit it out, you're making me nervous," Jiyong laughed, reaching a hand over to curl my fingers into my palm. "Its not good for your nails."

I rolled my eyes.

"But you do it all the time," I retorted. He swat my hand away playfully.

"You have good hands, maknae," he smiled. "Small and soft. Nails like mine would ruin it."

I scoffed.

"I what? My hands, really? Serious?"

It was his turn to roll his eyes as he stuffed his phone into a pocket.

"Aish, of course leave it to Seungri to always be digging for a compliment," he chided, though taking my hands into his, flipping them over to my palms, examining them. His eyes were merely blank as he flipped them over again and brushed his own digits across my knuckles.

"So don't bite them," he smiled again.

\---

    When we finally arrived at our hotel, I was too tired to even care who my roomate was at that point. After a numb, dreamless sleep without so much as even changing into pajamas or brushing my teeth, Daesung had pushed at my shoulders until I rolled around and groaned.

"Seungriyah, get up already!" Daesung laughed, poking my ribs. "Even Jiyong hyung is already awake, you bum!"

My eyes blinked open easily then. It must have been late. Too late. Daesung backed up on the mattress so I could sit up.

"You okay, maknae?" Daesung asked, patting the back of his hand against my forehead. "I don't think you even moved all night."

     Still half-awake, I couldn't yet connect the dots, but it was slowly occuring to me that Daesung wasn't as awkward around me anymore. Seeing his worried gaze woke me up completely, and then I noticed just how bright the room was, turning my attention to the room's window.

     I just sort of had a feeling. A good one. Out below us was New York; there was something romantic about it. We were really here. I imagined Jiyong was probably already out there making plans to visit designer stores. Taeyang had talked forever about getting a tattoo. Seunghyun had some friends to meet. Daesung had a few restaraunts in mind to visit.

"I feel fine, hyung," I smiled, patting his hand. "We're going to have fun. Let's make good memories."

His hands squeezed back as he smiled, and after a quick change of clothes, we met up with Hwangssabu in the lobby for a quick breakfast and work-out.

\-----

     The first day of our New Jersey concert was a little depressing. Oil was limited, so cars could only fill their tanks so much. There were quite a few empty seats when we were rehearsing at the stadium, and I wished the skies would clear. Staring up into gray clouds, I sincerely prayed that conditions could be  better. These concerts cost money, and fans who had paid couldn't come. There were faces out there who I couldn't make smile.

     Not that we didn't have a good show, of course. Perfoming always felt great. I was just a little let down, and Jiyong had noticed it. As soon as we exited the stage and made it to our dressing rooms after the show, Jiyong had grabbed a hand and pulled me off into a corner of the hallways backstage close to the restrooms.

"Maknae."

He took both my hands in his own then and swung them lowly at our sides, back and forth, wrists brushing against hips. I stared down at the floor, and he bowed his head down to meet my gaze from below.

"Seungriyah."

His brown eyes pulled me in, I couldn't help it. A smile spread, first gentle and then teasing.

"Aish, its okay, you know. Good show tonight, don't be so down. I know you are," he laughed.

I couldn't lie to him anymore, and he knew it. He knew me. The blank face that I had mastered for the cameras was long gone when I was with him. I blinked away at my watering eyes.

"Hyung."

"Tell me what's up," he said casually, smoothing thumbs over fingers, arms still swinging. I licked my lips.

"Hyung, everyone loves you, so make the bad weather stop."

"What? Maknae, I can't do anything about that," he laughed. "Shit happens."

"But I want to see them," I pouted. "What if some of them were my fans?"

He threw his head back and laughed harder.

"Yah! Maknae, you don't need any more fans, you've already got a big head!"

"But still," I whined.

"Aish! Seungriyah, seriously. You're loved. Don't be greedy."

"But still," I said again. "Everyone loves GD."

He shook his head and sighed.

"Maknae, you know you're loved, and that is precisely why you can't compete with me. First, it would only swell your huge ego, and second-"

He leaned in and promptly kissed my forehead.

"I love you more than them, and they know you're mine."

My face felt really hot, and he was chuckling at me again, pulling my hands with him as we walked back to the dressing room. He went over to Daesung in his makeup chair and asked if he could switch rooms with him back at the hotel, and he nodded while smiling at me.

\---

  
Everything clicked at some point.

     I took a shower while Jiyong had a smoke and talked on the phone over the balcony. Upon stepping out of the restroom, steam sticking to my skin, I simply stared at Jiyong's back for a few moments. He was hunched over the railing, faded-blue hair illuminated against the bright city lights of yellows, whites, and neons. I felt that for once, his shoulders weren't heavy. No stress this time. Just lights, a city of opportunity; everywhere just screamed of adventure. His conversation on the phone was at a close, voice low and scratchy, maybe due to the cigarette or maybe the singing. I was afraid of staring any longer, so I quickly busied myself with a pile of dirty clothes on the floor. I needed to visit a noona soon so she could make a run to the hotel's laundry room.

"Ah, maknae, you're out," he observed, turning around to rest his back against the railing. His eyes looked me up and down with a teasing note in his eyes.

"Oh, you're finally doing something useful," he smiled. I rolled my eyes and told him I was always useful.

"Only because you know what happens when you're not," he stated dryly.

He bit his lips into another smile, dark brows raised playfully.

Memories of socks, pillows, shoes, and water bottles being thrown at me was enough to remind me to listen to the hyungs.

"You've grown so well," he laughed, expression smug. He stomped out his cigarette then and stepped back inside the suite, balcony door smoothly sliding closed with a light thunk. After placing his phone from his pocket to the edge of the room's writing desk, he approached me with something darker in his eyes and I couldn't help but to back away in slight panic.

"Yah, why are you moving away?" he laughed. "I'm not going to punish you. Not today."

"I don't know, hyung. You look a little..."

I froze in place as he stepped closer, all smiles, wrapping his arms around me carefully.

"Say, maknae," he started, leaning his head against a shoulder, digging in with his chin. "Anything you want to do here? Touristy things?"

Of course I didn't hesitate to tell him I'd like to see a show on Broadway.

"Yeah. Okay, let's do that when we're done," he nodded.

"But I want to see Wicked," I whined. "And didn't you say before that you'd like to watch Lion King?"

"Oh well," he shrugged, then proceeded to scratch at my shoulders with his scruffy chin. I winced and squirmed about as he chuckled.

"Let's go together, hm? I don't think you've been rewarded lately," he mused.

"Eh? For what?"

His lips spread into a smirk as he narrowed his eyes and squeezed me, still wrapped in his arms.

"Don't play dumb. You've been working hard," he started, fingers grasping the hem of my t-shirt, lifting up the cotton fabric to poke a digit into my belly button. "On this."

"Hyung!"

He snickered as his thumbs smoothed over the skin of my stomach, sending tingles wherever he touched, finding the spaces between my ribs, silently counting them under his breath.

"Not so soft anymore, maknae," he sighed. "Hwangssabu told me you remained very diligent."

"Of course I was!" I complained, trying to act normal. His hands were cold as he continued to touch beneath the cotton. There were only two things on my mind: remember to breathe and provide warmth. I placed my hands on his hips as I rolled my eyes at his still-smirking face, and it felt almost as if he sort of leaned into it, allowing me to pull him closer.

"He also told me that you complained too much."

"But I pushed through anyway, hyung!" I groaned, fisting knuckles against those hips. "I woke up early and took showers late for this."

     His brown eyes lightened then, bowing his head down with eyes raised up at me, almost innocently, before those eyelashes lowered on his hands at my stomach again. Carefully, he lifted up my shirt all the way as his eyes darkened. I let the fabric swoop over my head and arms as the flutters in my chest ensued.

     Maybe that's when it all clicked. When he slid a finger carefully down the center line of my abdominals, when he pressed himself even closer to me as I kept my hands at his waist, sweeping my own hands up and down his sides in an attempt to warm him somehow, to comfort him. When he gently pressed lips against the middle of my collarbone before lazily trailing fast kisses up to my mouth.

     It just suddenly clicked that this time, I wasn't the one waiting for Jiyong. He was waiting for me. That I was his now. I wasn't in Japan eating and entertaining. He wasn't in Seoul promoting. Right now, I was his.

     Lips parting to let the little breaths escape, I heard the roaring of crowds. The heat of his mouth sent shivers down my spine, as kissing him was as effortless as breathing. He retreated back for a moment to lean his head backwards, a groan escaping his reddenned lips, then forming into a moan as he hastily brought himself back to me. My hands found his as he proceeded to touch my skin, now so much warmer. I lifted one of his hands up to my lips, pressing gently into the ridges of his knuckles as he smiled and smiled, moving his free hand to thread fingers into my hair. 

     Sparkling brown orbs bored into mine until I was swimming in him, drinking in the features of his gentle expression, silently speaking of adoration and possessiveness that I knew all too well. I returned the smile with more and more confidence. He almost seemed shy, even now. I imagined little music notes forming in his head, like Jiyong was a happy tune. Jiyong was a care-free melody, a wild chorus that liked to skip around scales and present himself in different colors. But now I'd like to think I was a part of his song somewhere. Maybe I was as important as the beat, or maybe I was the simple embellishments. Either way, I was there. In his smile, in his softly drumming fingers. I was certain I was his.

\----

I called Jiyong a genius on stage the next day. I said I loved him. I called him the hero of my heart, claiming him as my own so that everyone in the crowds with their flashing lights and energetic souls would hear my voice. And I was heard.

\----

 And yet, no. I wouldn't say Jiyong was my savior.

     Not in the beginning, at least. Not when he was just YG's golden child. The cold stares, the stiffness, the petting, the taming. I didn't think it meant anything more than that in those early years. But without realizing it, it was exactly those first impressions that made him become what I thought he wasn't.

All along, he was. He actually was my hero. I just didn't realize it as my young self.

     All I saw were the flaws, the negatives. His crooked teeth, his chapped lips, his bony fingers, his cold toes against my shins under the covers of our first dorm bed. His unamused expression beneath his long brown fringe after coming home from a concert that I left early, his furious gaze burning everywhere into me in an alleyway outside a club. His heavy sighs as I pretended to ignore him on a car ride. His countless looks of embarrassment in my direction. His 30-line text after my solo debut. The list could go on.

     What Jiyong had given me from the very start were signs that he cared enough. Almost like a strict parent, I think he simply wanted what was best for me so that I could succeed. Not just as a band member, but as a person. He just wanted to be an older-brother figure, someone who could set me straight and do things he otherwise wouldn't be able to get away with if it weren't for him being a family member. His criticism was what I needed, his closeness was what I needed.

So I learned to love him. The brother who knew nothing about me at first yet could read me like a book.

His smiles, in particular those rare ones that were just for me. His pursing lips, his lost-in-thought sparkling eyes. His twitching fingers to a mindless beat against his writing desk. His rising and falling shoulders after his scandal. All those negatives, too, became essentials, became positives.

And that was all it took. Years of triumphs and mistakes, of teasing, of pushing and pulling, of jabs and tackles, of anger, of worry. That was all it took to love him. He was the hero of my heart.

\------

     We left New York for Peru, each of us with our own little souvenirs such as Youngbae's new tattoo on his back and various articles of designer clothing and toys mainly for Seunghyun and Jiyong, while Daesung was starting his own small collection of hotel memo pads and soaps. As for myself, I left naturally with a smile, feeling more self-assured than ever before. Perhaps now, after two months since my own scandal, I was finally at ease and self-reflected upon it enough to shed that layer of shame off.

     As always, I busied myself on the plane studying a bit of Spanish, and we were rewarded with extremely passionate fans. Many stood outside our hotel, singing and dancing and celebrating, like a festival. The atmosphere, language, and culture were all different yet their energy was contagious. It seemed the smile that I had left New York with stayed, yet I was worried too. These fans had spent the night in lines, on the floor, just to see us since this was our first visit. And yet we were only here for one day. I didn't want to leave them so soon.

     From Peru, we flew back to LA, where everyone but myself caught a plane back to Seoul. I had a good friend who was a chef at a great hotel in Las Vegas, and we were allowed another short vacation since our next concert was more than a week away. Jiyong had already said he wanted to go to Bali, so I figured I'd take the friend's offer to visit him in Vegas along with seeing a house/trance DJ whom I was a fan of, as he was perfoming at another hotel there. So I enjoyed a great meal and good music, with no interest in gambling or doing anything too crazy. I was proud to say I knew my limits now.

     And with that, well-rested and eager for the spot light again, I made my way back to my second home, Japan, and time quickly passed into December, the final month of 2012. There were only a handful of shows left before it was time to prepare for award shows and finish up solo projects to able to present to the new year. Things only continued to look up for us.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sources:  
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seung-chans-diary-man-of-winter-seung-chan-121031-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/taeyang-seungri-t-o-p-on-hwangssabus-the-loneliness-of-self-discipline-in-la-photos.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/g-dragon-daesung-seungri-on-hwangssabus-the-loneliness-of-self-discipline-in-la-121103-photos.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seungris-cam-t-o-ps-birthday-alive-tour-la-121104.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seung-chans-diary-seungchan-met-bumblebee-121106-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seung-chans-diary-blizzard-war-121107-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seung-chans-diary-newyork-center-of-trade-in-the-world-121110-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seung-chans-diary-seungchan-in-ny-the-last-day-121112-photo.html
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcpzZomlWmc
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seung-chans-diary-ardent-south-america-121114-photo.html#axzz2aAGqwtiC
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seung-chans-diary-what-happened-in-vegas-seung-chan-121119-photo.html#axzz2aAGqwtiC


	32. 2012-2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There would only be more happy memories to come, I was sure.

Just like that, after a few brief dome concerts in Osaka, we were off to Hong Kong for the MAMA awards. After all the fun of having a short vacation in Vegas and the fiasco that was starting a twitter account and getting ignored by the hyungs, it was time to dress up for awards already. We were going to be in Hong Kong again about two weeks later for our tour, but for now I was simply overjoyed that we each got our own hotel rooms for awards season. I was especially grateful for being given the room key to the hotel's best suite because of a staff mishap. It almost felt like another vacation right after Vegas, though this time it actually was for work reasons, and we were aiming for a very dramatic performance on stage. Recieving awards we cared less about; it was all about the show for us.  
 

     That said, because we wanted a good show, Jiyong especially was stressing among us because he was also nominated for his recent solo music. He had his own stage to worry about and he wanted to dye his hair backstage "just for fun," he said. He didn't even have his platinum blonde locks for a week. So of course I let him be. I was a very spoiled maknae at this point, and having my own suite without the hyungs being given the same priviledge was plenty enough to shut me up. Of course I kept the room to myself.

     Our performance went off without a hitch, thankfully, so we were free to celebrate and attend the after parties while I personally didn't have to worry about Jiyong griping at me for messing up. I'm sure Jiyong would have said the performance still wasn't perfect enough to his standards, but what was done was done. The MAMA after party was particularly wild as I watched my drunken band members, especially Daesung hyung, present parts of themselves that I hadn't thought I'd seen before. I only had a few glasses of champagne and figured I should be a good maknae for the night and maybe share my suite, but it didn't take long for Seunghyun to call it a night, linking an arm around Daesung and leading him quietly out of the club. It wasn't much longer after that when I was ready to leave myself, so I indiscretely backed away from the club lights towards the exit door, as I noticed Jiyong and Youngbae were still having a good time. I let them be.

But of course when morning came, the hyungs wouldn't let me be as somehow they had discovered my special suite and decided I was the person to complain to about their hangovers. 

"Yah! Your fans are just as bad as you about keeping secrets," Jiyong groaned from outside the suite's door in the late afternoon. When I opened the door, he kept a beanie over his very obvious bed hair. I couldn't help but to bark into bouts of laughter upon seeing  his own self-induced agony. It occurred to me too late that angering him was too easy though.

"Maknae!" he exclaimed, hitting a shoulder causing me to back up into the room as he continued to force his way in with me. Youngbae came from nowhere, or so it seemed from my perspective since he was far behind Jiyong in the hallway, inviting himself in with each push.

"You idiot, writing about your special room on your little online diary," he sighed with one final push. "Your fans ratted you out."

"Hyung!" I pouted as Youngbae pounced onto my king-sized mattress as if it were a swimming pool. Jiyong, meanwhile, had taken to finding the suite's mini refrigerator and digging out an over-priced carbonated beverage before drinking it dry. He mouthed," you're paying for this" and I rolled my eyes. 

"Man, you missed out on some crazy shit after you left," Youngbae started, catching a bottled water from Jiyong's direction. He too wasted no time downing the drink. I kept my expression blank. Jiyong was seemingly distracted for awhile and made his way to the rest room. The door closed with a soft click, and then Youngbae was studying me as I chanced a worried glance towards the door.

"How's Daesung?" I asked casually. Youngbae just smiled with a wave of his hand. "Oh he'll be fine, you know. He's laughing so hard at the stuff we're saying he did. But anyway."

He sat up on the mattress then and pulled out his phone. With a swipe of his thumb against the touch screen and a lick of his lips, he kept his words simple.

"Your birthday is what, two weeks away?"

"Oh."

Youngbae raised a brow questioningly. "What? Its not like you to not be making a big deal out of it. Jiyong brought it up last night and I thought I would ask if you wanted anything."

What a thing to say. Did I want anything? I mean sure, I had friends everywhere and I always had the hyungs to celebrate with. So I was sure I was getting gifts whether I wanted anything in particular or not. Youngbae watched me try to think of something and shook his head.

"Really? Nothing? Women? Oh come on, maknae. Where did Gwangju's finest go?"

I laughed then, crossing my arms and bowing my head in embarrassment. He smiled as I did so before throwing a pillow my way and telling me not to be loud because he still had a headache. I rolled my eyes and snorted.

"I think Jiyong's planning something for you, though be warned it might be a prank. He babbled on last night when we got back to the hotel. I don't know what he's thinking this time."

"Really? Now I'm worried," I sighed. "If you don't know, then wow."

"Hey, he doesn't tell me everything."

"I know." I had pleasure in saying so.

He smirked before slipping his phone back into a pocket of his jeans.

"Seungriyah, he loves you," he said quietly, out of the blue. I picked up the pillow that had been thrown my way and fluffed it up in my arms.

"I know," I smiled.

\---------

    Our next concert was in Tokyo, so it was a little easier to breathe now that we were back in my second home. We had a few hours to relax after we checked into the hotel before we had to do anything important, so I asked a noona to borrow a laptop. Porn site jokes aside, I took it back to the room I shared with the manager and looked up our fan sites for fun. The next thing I knew, a familiar deep voice echoed through the halls half laughing and half brewing with annoyance. I had recently found a fan art where Seunghyun had the head of a frog and thought it was cute, so I posted it on my twitter account and had a good laugh about it.

"Who thought it was a good idea to give maknae the wifi code?" Seunghyun laughed outside my door. "Manager, was it you? You're in there, right?"

     Manager gave me a look,peeping his head out from the bathroom by the doorway, expression half smug because he just knew I was bound to get in trouble again, and half worried because this was Seunghyun, after all. The eldest's methods of seeking revenge were just as bothersome as his way of repeating a set of jokes over any given day. The other members had seemingly been eavesdropping from their own respective rooms and decided to text me their best regards for good luck. There was no winning an argument with the eldest, and most especially when it came to trivial things such as this.

     Needless to say, our one day concert at the Tokyo dome was as thrilling as all the others, and near the encore I was pleasantly surprised to see the stage dancers bring out a cake from the Japanese fans for my birthday. It was still a week away, but it was such a kind notion. Seunghyun of course used that moment to rub cake and icing over my face until he thought it was appropriate to wash it off with a water bottle not too long after. Days later in Hong Kong in the same situation, he pulled me into an unexpected hug and wouldn't let me go until the audience had finished singing the birthday tune, even puckering his lips at me as I squirmed away. He told me after the show that I had finished paying my repentence, then muttered something under his breath about me being too easy to distract and something about Jiyong.

     What should have hinted at me first off was the candle issue. In Hong Kong, there weren't any birthday candles on the cake that was brought out at encore, so I kind of made a big deal out of it, even on our flight back to Korea. The hyungs just laughed about it as I crossed my arms and pouted in my seat until one of them caved in, Seunghyun, who treated me to some clothes and candy at the airport stores after we landed. He said something again about how easy it was to shut me up as Jiyong just laughed and ignored my gaze.

    What upset me further was the fact that Jiyong had a schedule on my birthday. He was featured in a concert along with Tablo hyung, an evening prime-time performance of course, along with the rehearsals and partying that came before and after it. Also to mention was the reality of our ongoing concert tour, as we would be leaving for London the next day. So basically I told myself there was no way my hyung would make time for me or to even have a proper party.

\---

     I awoke on my birthday to my typical phone alarm at 7am, but upon reaching for it, my fingers found a small envelope. All it said was Happy Birthday, but on the inside was a note that instructed me to go to the main YG building, no surprise there, because Hwangssabu didn't believe birthdays counted as an excuse not to get some exercise. I couldn't tell whose handwriting it was.

     Deciding to arrive a little early to get some breakfast from the cafeteria noonas, I was instead delighted to find my mom dressed in a little hair net and apron behind the buffet line along with them. They were all chatting and smiling together as they let me know that all of the breakfast dishes for the day were made by Omma. She sat beside me at the picnic table that was usually the go-to table for my members when we ate here. We talked about anything and everything until she was satisfied that I had eaten enough, smiling and pecking my cheeks all the while. After she made me clean my own dishes inside the kitchen, she slipped a small fabric bag into a pocket of my coat as I washed my hands. I stared at her curiously as she just nodded and smiled, waving me off to the elevator to take me to the fitness room above.

Inside the little pouch inserted in my pocket were five pinky-sized wax sticks wrapped in a note that simply read: From Dad, Mom, Hanna, and the kitchen staff! Have a happy birthday!

     Youngbae had arrived before me in our small gym, already stretching out his hamstrings on the floor. Hwangssabu entered not too long after, carrying with him a grocery bag along with his usual gym bag. He got us right to work on the treadmills as soon as we were stretched and contiinued to make us sweat for another very tiring hour. Youngbae challenged me to get on the floor and do push-ups with him until one of us gave up, as Master Hwang took out from his plastic grocery bag a brand of protein shake that he knew I loved. The game was on with my eyes on the prize, but I still lost to Youngbae. Just as I bowed my head in defeat though, panting on my knees, both my hyung and the trainer had tapped two bottles against the back of my head, one a water bottle and the other Youngbae's shake. I realized they were offering them to me, so I smiled and accepted them before realizing that there was something bumpy wrapped in paper taped to the base of the bottles. I knew right away that they were the same as Omma's. Just as the thought clicked, both of them drew me into a group hug and squeezed me hard until I was laughing.

"Enjoy the rest of your day, birthday brat," Youngbae smiled back, giving me a rough push out of the embrace. Master Hwang did the same, slapping me hard on the shoulders and sending me on my way out of the gym.  By the time I left YG and was at my dorm again, I had a total of eleven candles. Hyun Suk and my manager each made me stop by their office to give me one while Seunghyun's manager had found me in the hallways to give me one on my eldest hyung's behalf. When I arrived back to the dorm, Daesung too had given me one, stepping out from his room to find me in the kitchen and peck my cheek. 

     After a long shower, I texted Jiyong to rub it in his face that the other hyungs had at least given me something. He texted me back to tell me I was still a fool and to go through a box of fan mail or something to make me feel better. He was presently at his make-up chair already preparing for his show. I threw my phone onto a pillow and groaned.

 

     I guess it was just another one of those days where I couldn't get what I wanted. I was spoiled and still vain, I guess. There was indeed a cardboard box perched on the carpet by my bed with my name on it and filled to the brim with papers and panda dolls, but wouldn't that just support the fact that I was still vain? Yet it was my birthday so I deserved a little ego boost, right?

 

     After about an hour of reading not even a third of the fan letters, I picked up my phone again to write a little online diary entry to let the fans know what I was doing. Satisfied with my choice of words, I went to the kitchen for a quick snack and went back to my room again to nap and read more. After about another two hours of that, I had reached the bottom of the box only to come into contact with those small solid things again buried at the bottom. There were ten candles now, and I quickly added the others I had received to make twenty-one.

 

"No way," I mouthed to myself.

 

     Immediately, I texted Jiyong again. The first note by my bed in the morning. The directions not just to go to YG but to look through the mail. When had Jiyong given these dumb candles to the hyungs and noonas, to my mom, to Ssabunim, to the CEO and managers? And more importantly, what about the two candles he still owed? This was my twenty-third birthday in Korean years, after all. It took him three hours to text me back, probably right before he was to go on stage. His reply was dumb and I was falling into his trap, but still my heart skipped several beats as I grabbed my heaviest coat and largest beanie and told Daesung I was leaving the dorm. Of course I saw through his act of faking worry, but he knew what was going on. They all were in on this.

 

    So I hired a taxi and made my way to Jiyong's condo. After knocking, waiting, and repeating for about five minutes, I figured his parents weren't there and tried to let myself in with the security code I had remembered from back when we lived together. I thought I was getting a key error because of my trembling fingers, but eventually it dawned on me that he must have changed his code. It was currently ten at night and he was probably still on stage, and I was doomed. I thought about going back home, but I was stubborn and wanted my candles. I could only hope Jiyong was just teasing about giving them to Gaho. I never knew with him. But it occurred to me that there wasn't any sniffing or barking coming from inside, so that was all that assured me to stay there.

 

\---

 

"Yah, get up. Idiot."

 

I must have fallen asleep waiting outside his door, slumped against a wall. Jiyong was laughing, the only sound filling the silence of the hallways this late.

 

"Where's my candle," I mumbled, words still slurred with sleep. He only continued to chuckle as he placed one of my arms over his shoulder and dragged me inside.

 

"Gaho doesn't have it, I promise," he smiled, dropping me into a chair by his computer. "Wait a sec."

 

As he left the bedroom, I got out my phone to check the time. It was only one in the morning. He must have tried, as he still had his eyeliner and BB cream on. He still smelled of sweat. No nicotine. No alcohol. He still even had that crazed look in his eyes, surely still on that adrenaline rush provided by the crowd. I was lucky. When he came back, he flipped the light switch off and carried a small candle in each hand, singing the birthday tune in a low, scratchy voice.

 

"One for you, one from me," he said quietly, handing me a lit-up candle as he kept the other one. With his free hand, he pulled me towards him as his palm caressed my back, and he told me to make a wish before I hastily blew out the fires. With my lips still puckered after blowing, he did the same to meet mine, chapped lips rough but always familiar. His hands found mine in the dark, fumbling at first to take the candle out from my grasp and place both on the computer table. The slighly sweet smell of smoke soon faded out of the room, as Jiyong took the opportunity to wrap his arms around my shoulders, letting out a deep breath before pressing his mouth back to me again. I gripped his hips and opened my mouth for him as he nearly shuddered at the invitation. I couldn't help but to let out a breathy moan into his mouth while his fingers unbuttoned my coat.

 

"Shit," he cursed, licking his lips.

 

"What?" I tilted my head. "I'm happy, hyung."

 

"Yeah," he started,"but is this what you want?"

 

"I just want you, hyung," was all I could think to say. "Thank you for this."

 

I couldn't really see him in the dark, but I didn't really have to in order to know he was pursing his lips and furrowing his brows in thought.

 

"Hyung, you think too much," I laughed, sliding off my coat and grabbing a hand to pull him to the edge of his mattress. "Its not technically my birthday anymore, I know, so I guess its not my place to ask things of you now, but-"

 

     Nothing more was said as he sat at the edge by my side, with me stroking the back of his hand wrapped in mine. I simply leaned my head against his collarbone and gently pushed him down to lay with him, my heart beating uncontrollably as I did so. Again, I knew I was lucky. He breathed out a shaky "okay" before wrapping me in his arms and we continued to kiss. I had never before felt so warm and comfortable on a cold December night. At this stage of my life, it was the happiest birthday I had ever experienced.

 

\----

 

London was just as cold, but with more rain.

 

I had re-watched Harry Potter on the flight over and basically annoyed all the staff on the plane trying to talk with a British accent. But it made them laugh, and really that was all I was after.

 

     Jiyong and Youngbae went off to explore the fashion stores in the area while I preferred to just eat good food and take pictures with some of the city folk. The buildings were all old and full of history; I tried to picture myself living here, like in a british movie or something, wearing rain coats and sharing umbrellas with people. London had that kind of romantic vibe like I felt in New York. Or maybe I just felt this way because Jiyong had liked these kinds of places. He loved punk rock fashion and shared that kind of quirky rock-n-roll personality as GD. I tried to imagine the two of us now in some distant future taking a true vacation here. My head became a little foggy just thinking about it.

 

     Our two days of performances were fun as always. Youngbae had a nose bleed which didn't seem to phase him at all, and my attempt of a British accent served its comedic purposes as planned. Jiyong laughed and told me I was embarassing again, but I just stuck my tongue out and told him I couldn't be stopped. Our encore ended with a video selca of us staring into my phone camara again, and that was enough for me.

 

\----

 

     After a short stop to Fukuoka for a one day concert, we were back in Korea again to finally wrap up the year with the last of the award shows. Jiyong dyed his hair again and he let me take selcas with him and our stylist backstage. He was okay with me sitting by him in the audience too, chatting in between the live performances and interviews. As he checked instagram posts with Youngbae and Daesung, I made small chat with Eunhyuk hyung of Super Junior and Jiyong was delighted to teasingly remark on my social skills. It was all good fun, really, in a blur of excitement and pride. Before my very eyes I was starting to notice things, like just how much Psy hyung had impacted the pop culture and the kind of groups and soloists who were debuting now. The very last show of the year was much the same.

 

     It was almost funny how I was so familiar with fireworks now. After that embarassing incident in the early days where one sort of blew up my face, I thought it might traumatize me for a while, but now they were everywhere and I was totally comfortable. It was the end of the year, and I said goodbye to 2012 with beautiful memories. We won some awards and had some fun at the after parties, of course, alcohol and dancing and all.

 

    Back at the dorm after a long day, a long year really, I massaged my aching calves as I just lay there on my bed, staring at nothing in particular. The crackles of fireworks could still be heard out the window along with the cheers and drunken banter of the people in the city. My birthday had passed, Christmas had passed. And this year, like every year, I had the team and I had Jiyong. The university days had passed, the group promotions had passed. I was free now, with only two more locations left to the tour, and promises from Hyun Suk for more good things to come in the form of solo projects.

 

Whatever challenges awaited the new year, I would gladly step up to. I did make a birthday wish on not one but two candles, after all, so surely this would make for another happy year. Because now I had just seen a little bit more of the world along with new sides to Jiyong and myself.

 

There would only be more happy memories to come, I was sure.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sources:  
> Nov 20 Ri joins twitter http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seungri-tries-to-convince-fans-its-the-real-him-on-twitter.html
> 
> Nov 18 in Vegas hotel http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/11/seung-chans-diary-seungchan-in-las-vegas-121118-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/12/seungris-twitter-update-u-and-me-twitterphoto.html
> 
> Dec 5 Tokyo concert, TopRi http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/12/seungris-twitter-update-t-o-ps-attack-121206-phototwitter.html
> 
> Seungri's "where's my candle?" in Hong Kong <3 http://realjiyong.tumblr.com/post/37793371851
> 
> http://m.enewsworld.interest.me/news/news_view.asp?nsID=23614
> 
> Seungri's Birthday Diary: http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/12/seung-chans-diary-happy-birthday-seung-chan-121212-trans.html
> 
> Ri working out on his birthday http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/12/hwang-ssabu-tweets-for-seungris-birthday-and-taeyang-and-seungri-working-out-121212-phototwitter.html
> 
> Dec 14-15 London http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/12/seung-chans-diary-london-london-kim-london-121214-photos.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2012/12/alive-tour-in-london-day-1-121214-photovideo.html
> 
> Ri's cam Encore London http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPPpnBhnpyc&list=PLuGcuFpptxq7CwDrd4YzXM8sji65EU8jL&index=23
> 
> Nov 29 MAMA performance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6Qt7Vu1DPc
> 
> bonus MAMA after party WTF Daesung ;D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOXjNjDQizI
> 
> Dec 29 SBS Gayo Daejun gri sitting at their table in the audience http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0wwaMlanKM
> 
> Dec 31 MBC Gayo Daejun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPcuhw_5qf0
> 
> Seungri Diary http://omonatheydidnt.livejournal.com/10451774.html


	33. 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth was, I was happy. Overwhelmingly happy, because I had just been given another chance to go solo again.

     Hyun Suk had given us time off for the new year, so of course as soon as we heard we were free for a while, I called up the family and old college friends to see if they wanted to get together. I kept myself busy with my cell phone, texting happy holiday messages all the while filling up whatever empty wholes in my schedule I had. It was like I was my own manager for awhile, in charge of my own meeting times and the like.

     I had met Mom not even a month ago for my birthday, but now I was with Dad and Hanna too, eating Mom's kimbap while watching the sun rise on Kang Won Do beach in east Korea. It was an exhausing five hour drive as it was, but I also had to deal with my sister's dog who I had only just now met. Every time I tried to sleep in the back seat, her dog would start sniffing around and climbing over my lap to scratch at the car doors. Sure, I loved my sister, but I had almost forgotten these kind of little things, like how dogs didn't seem to like me, like Gaho for instance, and that Hanna took great joy in seeing me have the same bad relationship with her own pet. We bickered in the back seat for awhile until she finally fell asleep herself, which then allowed me time to have a good conversation with the parents. They told me how much they missed me, how even my sister missed me, and just that they were so happy and so proud. The hours stuck in traffic passed by very quickly then.

     The beach was crowded and the winds were stong and cold, but the sunset was breathtaking, dying the sky a vibrant stain of pinks and oranges. I could just stand there and admire it for hours if I wanted to. Mom took my hands in hers and warmed them with her gloves, smiling at me with sparkling eyes. She asked me about the members, about Jiyong. She told me she was happy to see me smiling at the sky, because she often did so when she knew I was in another country. She told me to call her more, that she had been calling Jiyong's mom often just to ask about me. She teased that Jiyong was a better son to his mother than I was. I just stuffed my hands in my coat pocket then and pouted. Dad laughed and pulled us over to where he and Hanna were standing, close to the shore.

     Dad had pulled out some slips of paper from his pants pocket and a pen. He told us all to write a new year's wish on the slip and then read them aloud to the family before releasing it into the air. Of course, I thought. Dad liked doing these kinds of things. He could be such a softie, but Mom loved him for it, so I didn't complain. From youngest to oldest, Hanna said she wished for a boyfriend, I wished for the family's good health, Mom wished for our safety and happiness, and Dad wished for me to be a world star. I almost choked on my spit until I realized he was smiling in that sly way of his. He laughed loudly, a sound similar to my own laugh, and said I still owed the family. He thanked me for helping with the debt, and I just told him I would try harder. I couldn't really tell if he was joking or not, but figured he meant it. The paper slips had left our grasps now, floating somewhere on the surface of the ocean, probably.

\--

     New year ambitions aside, the remaining of the first week of the year was spent doing absolutely nothing productive at Konjiam Resort. Skiing with the college hyungs for a few hours in the extreme cold was enough of a feat to send us back to the warm hotel in the late afternoon, and even though we all had plenty of money we could have wasted, we chose to keep things cheap instead by simply watching movies in our shared suite and ordering in snacks. Even after a long hot shower, I still couln't quite shake off the numb coldness in my bones. We huddled up all the free robes and extra blankets we could find.

     I didn't even know Jiyong and Youngbae had also made plans to stay at the resort until the next day, when we all went down to the lobby for a complimentary breakfast buffet. I could spot them at the reception desk, checking in and asking the clerk questions. I couldn't help but to smile when I saw Jiyong's usual luggage bag; the thing could be noticed anywhere, it was so loud with its big stickers. Gu Won hyung, sitting next to me, had elbowed me in the arm and smirked. Needless to say, he knew what was going on. I rolled my eyes. He suggested we prank call their room or something, but the wrath of Jiyong was far too great, I told him.

     But somehow he talked me into it, or rather bullied me as hyung. So now I was standing in front of Jiyong and Youngbae's presumed suite while Gu Won knocked at the door and I just stood there in a nervous sweat. But the thrill had me on a high, and Gu Won was smiling and pressuring me to say the lines. So I mimicked Hyun Suk's voice and sure enough we all exploded into laughter as soon as we heard the reaction from inside. We made a run for it, opting for the emergency stairwell rather than the elevators, and then everything passed me in blurs and distorted jazz lobby music.

We were laughing and running at the same time until I heard a yelp from behind me, only to find a short-of-breath Youngbae grabbing Gu Won by the hood of his sweatshirt, and I knew this was the end. When I turned around to meet my fate, Jiyong had an evil little grin on his face.

"You think this was funny, Seungriyah?" he panted, arms crossed.

"Its hilarious. You're smiling, hyung," I replied bluntly.

"Yah!"

I started to make a run for it, but I forgot how athletic Jiyong actually was. Next thing I knew, he was pulling me by the ear and dragging me back to Youngbae and Gu Won, already at the hallway we were running from, just a few rooms away from the suite.

"You don't just abandon your friends like that, maknae," Youngbae smilied. He had obviously been having a pleasant conversaion with my friend. Its not like he was being serious.

"Neh hyung," I smiled.

"Aish, we came here to get away from you, and yet you're still here," Jiyong laughed. If this were me a few years ago, I would have been offended. But this was Jiyong, and he really did just tease too hard.

"You know you'd miss me, hyung," I scrunched my nose and stuck out my tongue. There was already a new smile replacing his supposed expression of annoyance. He just shook his head at the floor and bit on his lower lip. When he lifted his head back up to meet my gaze, his brown eyes were warm and his features were softened with his affection. He mouthed "pabo" before giving me a rough shove, and then he was off with Youngbae back to their suite.

As we made our way back to the lobby, I asked Gu Won what he talked about with Youngbae.

"Oh you know, just hyung stuff. Make sure you're happy and not doing anything stupid."

I groaned and hunched over in defeat. He pat my back and chuckled. "Oh come on. He's really nice! I bet if he were my classmate and not you, he'd actually be helpful and kind."

"Yah!"

  
\---

 

My little vacation was short-lived, but that was fine by me. I still had my ambition, and it was time to turn a new leaf.

     I was going to be returning to Japan soon to film for more shows and then join the team in Osaka for the last of the final dome tour there. But before that, I had some business to take care of at YG.

     Making my way to the seventh floor was always an emotional experience. The seventh floor meant offices, meeting rooms, the business side to things. I never walked out from the elevator without feeling either depressed or overwhelmed, because Hyun Suk's conversations with me were always tough love.

     I was there because I had completed a song, a solo song that he had wanted me to write and present. This was going to be a big day. Either he send me back to the drawing board, or he let me have a second solo album. It was there on the seventh floor that my ambition for singing had been renewed, really. It was only about two months ago that I had finished my solo promotions in Japan as a sort of actor and host. Somewhere along the line, I had lost my confidence as a singer. I wasn't inspired, not in a creative way. I just sang my parts in the concerts, and then that was it. But Hyun Suk called a meeting after I returned to Seoul to talk with me, and things were said there that I would rather not revisit.

     What I had prepared for him to judge me upon was a song true to my heart. I decided it was okay to talk about Japan, about the woman I had been seeing, the woman who saw me at my most vulnerable at a dimly-lit restaurant on Jiyong's birthday, that woman who said things about me in a dumb magazine. I didn't really have a true chorus for it yet, but it would later be called "bad girl." All the boss said about the matter was that it wasn't bad and it was at least better than what he had expected of me. That was all it took before he sent me on my way. I had an appointment with Hwangssabu that he was aware of.

  
     From there, obviously my emotions were a mess again. I couldn't do any of the fitness routines properly in the gym. Ssabunim was probably having a hard time getting me to focus on his sets. At some point, I just sort of had a breakdown while doing sit-ups. I was shaking, quivering, crying silently. The trainer didn't know what brought this on, but he brought me a water bottle which I refused, he got out a protein shake that he knew I loved, and I refused. He asked me to talk about it, but I couldn't.  The truth was, I was happy. Overwhelmingly happy, because I had just been given another chance to go solo again. I was going to sing; not act, not just be the guy who cracked jokes and brightened the mood. I was going to sing. It was such a simple thing.

The trainer let me leave early since I still couldn't really calm myself down. I wanted to go back to my apartment and just try writing songs. Singing and singing, writing whatever I wanted.

\---

     The weeks leading to the final concerts in Seoul, the end of the tour, rushed by far too quickly. I had schedules in Japan or would be in Korea occasionally to work on the solo project, meanwhile Jiyong was also working on his second album in between the meetings and rehearsals for his own solo concert tour that had just been announced, in addition to having schedules in Malaysia, London, and Paris. Daesung had been in Japan preparing very seriously for his own Japanese solo album and concert tour, which was now not even a month away. Seunghyun was still working hard on his movie. Youngbae was also working on a solo album.

     On the last day, we were all extremely quiet. We had done this dozens of times. Press meetings, rehearsals, warming up backstage, trying to relax, microphone checks, standing in the pods before the curtain dropped, and then just blank thoughts as we look at the flashes and lights of the audience. All of that was the same as always.

     This time, while stretching on the floor before the show, I felt hands push at my back as I was leaning over to stretch my hamstrings. Of course I knew those hands anywhere. Jiyong squat down to his knees and plopped down, sitting by my side. When I fully sat up to turn my head and look at him, he was smiling gently, but his eyes were sad. I asked him what was wrong.

"This is the last time I'm going to get to monitor your solo from backstage," he teased, wiping his eyes in a fake gesture of sadness. I rolled my eyes and pushed him. He laughed and tilted back up as if he were one of those wobbly dolls that always bounced back up no matter how hard it was pushed. I told him precisely that, and he had me laughing with his flailing limbs slapping against the ground. I noticed Seunghyun was joining along with him in his makeup chair. After a good laugh, Jiyong scooted himself closer and placed a hand over my own.

"But hey. Maknae, in all seriousness," he smiled, smoothing a thumb over my knuckles. "The boss told me about that thing you're working on. I'm excited for it. I'll get to see you have a solo stage again."

"What did he say about it?"

"He didn't say much," he sighed, shaking his head. "But you know how he is. You'll be great, Seungriyah."

I stared down at the ground, trying not to think much about what he just said. Jiyong was being kind, being supportive. He made me happy, he made that lonely feeling that I sometimes felt in Japan fade away.

"And another thing," he started. "Ssabunim told me about your little episode. Why didn't you come to me about it?"

I pulled my free hand to cover my face and groan.

"That was just me being embarrassingly happy, hyung. I'm sorry," my voice shook just thinking about the seventh floor.

"Wait, what?" he laughed. "Ssabu made it seem like you were hurt, and was asking me if I had teased you too hard again or something. I wasn't even in the studio building that day. He had called me in a panic and everything."

"Well it was nothing, hyung. I just kind of...had too many thoughts. The boss had just given me the ok to go solo again, and I was happy, but it also scares me."

"You? Scared? Of what, failure?" he asked carefully, and he held my gaze.

"Not just failure," I started,"but acceptance. Acceptance as an artist, producing my own tunes. I've been in G-Dragon's shadow this whole time. I don't want to get in the way, I don't want the things I've learned musically from you to be viewed as mediocre. I don't want the fans comparing us and thinking I don't deserve to be where I am right now. With the band, with you."

"Hm," he pursed his lips. "I see your point, but you're not going anywhere, Seungriyah. You're here, with us, with me, and I won't let them hurt you. Either they like your music or they don't. You know that. You won't fail, maknae. I've never seen Victory fail," he smiled, playing with my hands, drumming his fingers against my palms, tracing swirls along the fingerprints.

"Your hands are freezing," I complained, using my free hand to cover his.

"Well, I'm scared too, so I'm cold" he laughed. "This is the last show of the tour, and then the after party, and then we each do our own thing, and we'll be busy. I'm going to be busy working, I mean really busy. I'll probably snap," he sighed. "I don't know when I can see you again after this, and I'm worried you're going to be chasing after a woman again when I'm gone."

"Hyung," I smiled. "I learned my lesson, okay? I don't want Youngbae ignoring me again."

"Just Youngbae?" he pouted.

"And of course, I don't want my favorite hyung missing by my side when I want to get in trouble," I grinned and lifted a hand from his to present him with a pinky. "Here. Yakusoku desu. Its a promise."

"Yah! We're not in Japan, speak Korean," he complained, but he linked his pinky with mine anyway and mouthed a short,"yubikiri."

Shortly after, the noonas found us and we gathered back to our dressing rooms.

We bowed to our audience in our utmost sincerity, and just like that, our tour had ended.

\----

 

     The after party was lively, of course, even with a missing Daesung. Seunghyun tried to drag him along, but he was obviously exhausted as his Japanese solo promotions were closer than ever. I wanted to leave early myself, but Seunghyun said he needed a maknae to pick on and I was the only choice. So I pulled on a blazer and a white button down shirt and off we went to YG's restaraunt in Hongdae.

     Each of us kind of split off and socialized with our own friends, and the alcohol was certainly flowing. After loosening up, Youngbae had been twirling around a pole and Jiyong was recording it all on his phone. Seunghyun soon enough called me over to pour me a new drink before flicking my nose and laughing lowly for no apparent reason, and one of our managers was already close to falling asleep at the bar. Jiyong was having a good time with producers and other YG Family friends, and I figured it was okay to leave. I thought I might as well take the the exhausted manager with me as I made my way toward the exit, but Jiyong had tugged on an arm halfway there through the chaos.

"Hey," he smiled. He stuck out a thumb and pointed behind him where another staff member had already obviously needed to go home.

"Looks like I'm errand boy again," I sighed. Jiyong chuckled. "No, no, I'll help you! Walk with me," he ordered with a small nod of his head to follow him. "You get him, I'll get the one over there."

Walking and dragging along extra weight didn't even appear to phase Jiyong. He was laughing watching me struggle. By the time we were outside in the cold air, our beloved staff members were awake enough to call a cab and knew where they stood. It felt good to be outside myself, waking me up as well. 

"Ready to go home, maknae?" he smiled, watching the street for taxis. There were hardly any cars at this hour. He fixed his gaze on me for a moment. "You've already got a mustache growing back."

Had I really? Sure enough, my fingers felt a little stubble above my upper lip. Jiyong's eyes followed my fingers slowly before he decided to close our distance and feel for himself. "And your collar's a little crooked," he laughed, cold digits sweeping from my lips to my neck. If I held my breath, it would be obvious because the cold air would show it. I flinched a bit and shivered.

I stood very still as he, unexpected as always, had leaned in and pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth. In a panic, I pulled away and looked for watching eyes. It seemed Jiyong understood, as he too turned around. "Shit, I couldn't help it," he cursed. A taxi was just then making its way down the narrow street from a far distance.

"Hyung." I tried to give him a look, but he was already looking at me apologetically. 

"Sorry" was all he said before he was in my space again, playing with my hands some more. "Go get some rest, okay? I'll see you...when I see you," he said carefully, backing away. Another taxi was also on its way, but I let another dead-beat staff member take it instead. Jiyong waited outside with me and had a smoke.

The night turned quiet, but of course it was as loud and booming as ever in the buildings. I was ready to go.

"Good show today, hyung," I gave a thumbs up as I opened the backseat car door to my getaway. He let out a puff of smoke and nodded. Youngbae was approaching not far behind him, and I knew he was there to fetch his best friend back.

As the car drove off, I watched the hyungs retreat back to the restaurant, and sure enough they were out of sight not a minute later. 

Leaning back into the headrest, I had drifted off to a short experimental melody playing about inside my head. And then I couldn't wait to get home, lips still warm, hands still cold.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sources:  
> Seungri with his family on New Year's Day:http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/seung-chans-diary-with-family-130101-photos.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/seung-chans-diary-update-130103-photos.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/taeyang-yessir-130105-instagram.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/hwang-ssabu-tweets-photo-of-seungri-working-out-130107-phototwitter.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/g-dragon-2013-world-tour-in-japan-dome-special.html
> 
> The hyungs always watch Ri's solo stage <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/g-dragon-star-column-bigbang-behind-story-of-the-world-tour.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/t-o-p-g-dragon-seungri-taeyang-with-a-staff-school-food-in-hongdae-130127-photos.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/after-party-big-bang-yg-family-nb1-130127-photosvideos.html
> 
> http://ygunited.com/2013/01/30/taeyang-surprises-fans-with-his-pole-dancing-skills/
> 
> http://www.tenasia.com/archives/70779
> 
> http://saraseoul.tumblr.com/post/58022923872/seungris-facebook-update-translation-big-bang


	34. 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is never going to work out, right? There's always going to be the push and pull, the distance to being too close, the little brother maknae to your own Seungri. You can't commit to me like that."

Along with the end of the world tour came the low after the high. I didn't even realize how tight my muscles were, how stressed I had been, how exhausted I felt, until I took the following week off and did nothing productive whatsoever. It was a time of eating and watching tv, sleeping in, browsing the internet, playing games on my phone, chatting with old friends. Anything. My mind was blank, my body was limp. Hwangssabu would have been so mad.

     I realised I was ready to get back to work when Daesung had sent me a text from Japan. Soon enough I called him back, and he sounded so fatigued with work. I wanted to be there with him and reassure him he would make it through. The album he was working on would be released in the next month, as well as his Japan tour. His schedules were at the point of being over-booked and I worried for him. And that was when it clicked. What had I been doing? My brothers were all working so hard, and here I was pampering myself with free time. I was ready to jump back in.

     I started Japanese and English lessons again, along with acting classes. I picked myself back up with my online courses, too. I wanted to be the Seungri who challenged himself again, I wanted to be motivational. I just wanted to learn and in return teach others somehow, to make them smile.

     January had passed, the Korean lunar new year had passed, and now February had swept in. The next holiday to be celebrated was none other than the dreaded Valentine's Day, and I sighed at the thought of dating plans. The release date for Teddy hyung's own restaraunt/studio had long since been set to be the fourteenth, and both Jiyong and Youngbae had sworn up and down that they would be there to celebrate. Invited or not, I'd rather not go. So I had set a reservation for one at a nice hotel and would settle with that. I had to be up early on the fifteenth anyway to catch a flight back to Japan.

     But before all that was the Gaon chart awards ceremony that we were invited to attend. Red carpets and ceremonies themselves were still a thrill for me, so it wasn't like it was difficult to hide my disappointment about the valentine plans. I had a really nice suit with simple lines and sleek tailoring that I was excited to wear, while both Youngbae and Jiyong teamed up to dress more daring. I had thought I had already gotten the giggles out as I watched the noonas in our dressing room place a long wig atop Jiyong's head, but I was still fighting the laughter even after the show, with Jiyong taking it off and swinging it at me. Not to mention I was also getting teased for cropping out a picture of Jiyong that I shared on twitter of Youngbae and I backstage earlier. He cropped me out in another picture of us as revenge, and his witty use of wordplay ensued. The wig continued to be used as a weapon against me for the rest of the evening.

     I awoke late the next day to a text from Jiyong telling me he was already in his closet putting together his outfit to wear for the cafe opening later. It brought me back to the days of living together in his Tom and Laura apartment, remembering all those times I watched him pace from the bedroom to the bathroom back and forth, strutting about in different jackets, different pants, different shoes, taking anywhere from minutes to hours to figure out how he wanted to look. I figured I would call him to wish a happy Valentine's day.

"Yah, I'm busy," he greeted me after a few rings.

"Well happy V-Day to you too, hyung," I laughed dryly. He sighed on the other end, long and slow.

"Seungriyah. Don't be like this," he groaned. "You know how important this is for hyung."

"Yeah. I know," I replied wistfully.

"Its just a dumb little holiday anyway. You're not going out with a girl tonight, right?"

"I'm not. I have a morning flight to catch tomorrow."

"Are you going to be alone tonight?"

I thought about it. The hotel had a live music event every night and I would be sure to visit.

"Yeah," I half-lied. "I made a reservation at the Hyatt, but I didn't invite anyone."

"Ah hah," he laughed. "You'll find somebody to chat with, then."

'Hyung!"

I heard the clinkling chime of metal bracelets swaying in the background as there was a short silence on the line.

"Okay, I get it. If the party doesn't last too long, I'll try to visit you, arassou? Text me your room number later."

That was really all it took to get my hopes up, as I found myself smiling into the receiver.

"Happy V-Day, maknae," he said lowly. "Don't do anything stupid."

And with that, he hung up. I awoke the next morning to no new messages and an empty bed. He never showed up.

\-------------

     I was honestly too busy working and filming in Japan to even be heartbroken or speak to him. Before I knew it, over a week had passed, I still hadn't talked to him, and I was back in Korea on my way to a birthday party for Chaerin. My relationship with Chaerin was like having a bickering younger sister, maybe a little worse than with my actual sister. The problem was that Chaerin had the kind of wisdom into looking at relationships that Youngbae had. I never told her my secrets because of that. Perhaps Jiyong had talked to her about our recent distance; I wouldn't be surprised. She had arranged for the two of us to meet at her party before the others just so we could "talk it out."

     I was the first to arrive at the rented-out private room of her favorite restaurant, eyes immediately fixed on the extravagant brown fur coat and white party hat walking towards me. I was surprised she even took off her shades to greet me at the entryway, offering me a full body hug that wasn't completely awkward and a warm smile instead of an annoyed frown. When she pulled away, she swat at the back of my head. I yelped in reflex as she grabbed me by my coat collar.

"Yah! Seungri oppa!" she frowned, tugging some more. "I've got a bone to pick with you."

There was no getting out of it now. Chaerin had that look in her eye. She put her shades back on as the sound of a car door slamming shut could be heard from outside the restaraunt.

"Why haven't you called Ji back, huh? He's told me he's tried to call you. What gives?"

"You know how it goes," I sighed. "Schedules. Priorities. I can't just make time for him."

"Oh, but you can make time for more show appearances? For women?"

"Hey, I haven't been seeing any women. For the nth time," I groaned.

"So you'd rather be doing the promotions and getting the money rather than taking time to just slow down?"

"Well," I started. "You know its not really about the money anymore. Its fun for me. I can't just sit somewhere for a long time and be happy that way. Its the same for Jiyong, you know that."

"So that's your excuse for being so distant?" she let me go, crossing her arms.

"He's always busy working. I got tired of waiting, and I was given the opportunity to have my own busy schedule."

She pouted her lips and arched a brow in disapproval.

"That's not cool, oppa," she said straight-forwardly, shaking her head. "This sounds like a case of male pride. You've gotta talk."

     It was then that a rhythmic knocking against the wall started, as Chaerin uncrossed her arms and greeted Jiyong at the entryway, also wearing fur and large shades, but what really stole the show was the set of Spongebob birthday balloons clutched in his hands. After some hugs and kisses, the birthday girl steered Jiyong towards my direction and proceeded to find a place to leave the balloons and gifts before leaving the room altogether.

"Hey," he greeted with a small wave of his hand.

"Hey hyung."

He curled a hand behind his neck and pursed his lips, bowing his head to the ground.

"I wish I could just say sorry and get away with it, but I know apologizing wouldn't be enough," he started. "I kind of overheard."

"Hyung."

     For the longest time, I thought we were too different. Jiyong the golden child, Seungri the dancer who almost didn't make the team. Jiyong with the clothes, the songwriting, the teaser, the leader. Seungri with the long hair, the supposed confidence, the teased, the follower. But maybe we were more similar than different, because in the end, neither of us could really settle with something that required an emotional commitment. We could stay commited for years and years as a band, sure. As good sons or brothers in our families, as personalities on camera; all of that wasn't a problem. But love was weird, dealing with the public was weird, distance was weird. I just wanted to work, doing something I loved, to meet people, and to just be happy with that. I'm sure Jiyong wanted the same, maybe more.

     All this time, work kind of got in the way as well as judgement by the public eye and our roles in the group. I worried Jiyong, I embarrassed him, I had to be his little brother. But I was the first one to admit I wanted more than that, and maybe he was just playing along. Did he really love me, through the whispers, through the annoyed groans of his confessions? I couldn't be sure. In the end, he couldn't commit, I thought. I would just be left waiting for something more to happen, maybe something more than the hidden kisses and looks of adoration. But he was rarely the one to say 'I love you' first.

"Hyung," I began, sorting out my thoughts. "I'm sorry too. We're both busy, and I was expecting too much, right? You even told me before not to expect too much from you, expecially during times like this."

He gave a little nod, and with a shaky breath I prepared myself.

"This is never going to work out, right? There's always going to be the push and pull, the distance to being too close, the little brother maknae to your own Seungri. You can't commit to me like that."

"Mm," he barely nodded. "I don't like talking about these kinds of things, you know. I can only rap or sing these things. I'm awkward," he smiled gently. "But just know... Well, the words will still come out wrong as I try to say them.."

"But I do love you. I can't say it enough but I love you, Seungriyah. Even if the way I show it is kind of abnormal. Just keep coming back, and I'll try to meet you halfway somehow."

"Okay," I firmly nodded, approaching him finally for a handshake or embrace, but instead he rested his hands on my waist and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. It couldn't last long, and it wouldn't because the other familiar party attendees were soon to come, but I savored what I could. The remaining hour was spent taking selcas and warming up to the festivities.

\----------------

     Two days later, Daesung's Japanese album was released at last, while Dongwook hyung was also preparing in Japan for his own final concerts before enlisting in the army. A few days later, the band was perfoming in China for the Samsung Blue Festival. From there, we went our separate ways yet again for solo activities. Little did I know that we wouldn't be seeing each other again until mid April, and even that was only for a one-day CF photoshoot.

     During those times away, Daesung's concert touring in Japan was at full-throttle, and Jiyong's solo touring had already kicked off in Seoul. Meanwhile I had either been filming in Japan, taking my acting and English classes, or working out at the YG gym with Hwangssabu, sometimes meeting up with Youngbae after some cardio. I missed the others. We were already four months into the new year and I could count on my hands the number of times we were all together in the same place at the same time. I wouldn't say I felt lonely; I just felt like a part of me was missing. We were practically always together last year, and the change in pace of life was so drastically different without them.

     When we reunited for the photoshoot, it was like nothing had changed, and I loved it. Youngbae had crazy amounts of energy to spare while Daesung cracked jokes, Seunghyun actually joined in on our  conversations, and Jiyong was dangling off of everyone, all smiles and kissy faces. It was a pretty pleasant night in spring at a soccer field and both Jiyong and I were dressed in a vivid electric blue. I tried to tug at Jiyong's hat, teasing him that it looked more like a shower cap as I played mom and told him I would get his bubble bath ready when we got home. He would sneer "you punk" only to sofly kiss the shell of my ear when the others were away.

"Missed you," he would whisper, snaking an arm behind the small of my back. He'd turn his head back to the camera again for a pose and then continue to give his attention back to me.

"How are the concerts, hyung?"

The grass was so plush and green beneath us. I looked down for a moment to find his hand dangling about so that I could swing it against the light evening breeze. He looked down too, swiping a thumb against the back of my hand.

"Its different going solo," he sighed. "I always get sick leading up to the shows, don't I? I'm better now, but I guess I'm still kind of recovering," he smiled.

"You can never just take a break from it all and say 'no,' huh?"

"Nah. I couldn't do that to the fans. You know that. You're my fan too, right? How would you feel if I didn't show up and you paid money for it?

I almost wanted to laugh. "When you don't show up to meet me, at least I don't pay you. If anything, you pay me, as I spend one of your credit cards ordering in food and drinks to drown my sorrow."

"Yah," he rolled his eyes. '"Its a good thing you're good with money, its one of the few things I can trust you with."

"Hyung," I pouted. "I'm more than good and you know it."

"Yeah, fine. But anyway," he continued,"I've been thinking..."

"About what?"

He looked up from the ground then, greeting me with those familiar brown eyes. The winds were just barely ruffling the wisps of hair under his cap.

"If I get sick again, or if something else happens at a concert, I don't know...and I decide I need a back-up plan to help get me through the show...would you help me?"

Of course I didn't hesitate to tell him I'd do almost anything. I knew how worked-up he got about his shows, how everything had to be perfect, how he'd practice until he broke apart, basically.

"But hyung, you have to make this a promise. You have to call me if you want help.'

"I'll do my best, Seungriyah. Its also up to the management team if I ask for you to help run the stage, though."

I could only nod.

\---------

Nearing the end of April, Jiyong sprained his ankle performing in Osaka.

     It was only a week previous that I had a conversation about the promise with him on twitter. He teased again, saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that Youngbae knew instead of him. On the games went. At least I had learned to tease back, and "oppa saranghae" was becoming a commonly-occuring jab.

     Only a day after his injury, it was confirmed on the social media that I would be a musical guest at Jiyong's show in Beijing. I got the call when I was filming in Nara. I smelled practically like a petting zoo, what with all the deers and all, and the phone reception was bad so I couldn't say much, but I was so thrilled, so ecstatic. Jiyong was groaning on the phone, telling me I got my way, asking for advice on dancing on a swollen ankle and all, given my experience with the same injury from back in 2007.

"I get to see you, I get to sing with you," I beamed, jumping up and down in my car seat on the way back home. The Japanese driver almost looked annoyed, trying to figure out what the Korean kid was so happy about.

"I'll be seeing you in a week, maknae," he chuckled.

"Yeh."

It was one of those times when smiling hurt, with cheeks so tightly raised and lips so spread to make room for all the teeth. More than anything, though I was worried for his ankle of course, I was just relieved. I could be hopeful again, because this time Jiyong had kept his word. I would be seeing him again, and I would be sure to brighten his mood.

I was ready to truly smile again, to jump back into the push phase again, back into this weird thing we called love. I was ready to commit, whatever this was.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sources:  
> Feb 6 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seung-chans-diary-recently-seungchan-130204.html
> 
> Feb 11 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seung-chans-diary-happy-new-year-130210-photos.html
> 
> Feb 13 Gaon Awards http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seungri-im-still-alive-v-t-130213-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/g-dragon-winner-winner-chicken-dinner-today-130213-photo.html
> 
> VDay http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seungri-happy-v-day-130214-photo.html
> 
> Grand Hyatt JJ http://www.seoul.grand.hyatt.com/en/hotel/dining/JJMahoneys.html
> 
> Feb 15 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/photos-fancam-g-dragon-taeyang-teddys-twosome-studio-grand-opening-130214-photosvideos.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seungri-gimpo-airport-heading-to-japan-130215-photos.html
> 
> Feb 25 CL bday http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/g-dragon-happy-birthday-130225-photo.html
> 
> Feb 27 Dae album release
> 
> Mar 3 in China http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/03/seungri-in-china-nanjing-instagram-update-130302-photos.html
> 
> Mar 10 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/03/seung-chans-diary-thank-you-sunbaenim-130310-trans.html
> 
> Mar 24 Dae tour starts
> 
> Mar 30 GD concert starts
> 
> April 1 "I miss you guys" http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/seungri-i-miss-u-guys-more-instagram-updates-130331-photos.html
> 
> Aprl 8 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/hwang-ssabu-tweets-photo-of-seungri-130408-photo.html
> 
> April 12 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/hwang-ssabu-posts-a-photo-of-taeyang-and-seungri-working-out-130412-photo.html
> 
> April 16 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/seung-chans-diary-winter-ended-130416-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/taeyangs-instagram-updates-130418-photo.html
> 
> April 23 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/hwang-ssabu-tweets-photo-of-seungri-and-taeyang-working-out-130423-photo.html
> 
> April 23 **** http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/g-dragons-twitter-conversations-with-seungri-and-taeyang-130423-trans.html
> 
> April 27 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/seung-chans-diary-this-place-is-nara-130427-photo.html
> 
> April 29 GD sprains ankle in Osaka
> 
> April 30 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/seungri-to-be-special-guest-at-one-of-a-kind-world-tour-in-beijing.html


	35. 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were a few times I questioned myself though. Still.

 It had been awhile since I had last been to Beijing. The atmosphere was so exciting and brought back good memories. In my luggage case I had a classic suit and tie combo that I couldn't wait to wear on stage, and considering my own idol Timberlake had a new song about serenading a love with a suit and tie, I hoped I could maybe impress my own hyung.

     Honestly, I knew how much of a privilege it was to be a guest on his stage. I mean, I _had_ to look good for him. I didn't want to disappoint him in any way or be any kind of nuisance for his audience. However, I also knew that being the troublesome, embarrassing Seungri was just part of my charm. So in the end, I made a plan for myself. I decided that, beyond anything else, I needed to be there to make everyone smile, to provide comfort. This was especially true in the case of my hyung. He was probably in pain because of that ankle, but being stubborn, he didn't show it. I had to be sure that he wasn't thinking of the pain. I had to convince myself that I could make laughter his medicine. Getting Jiyong to smile became a skill that I was confident about, absolutely.

     It was only May, but it was already so hot weather-wise. I had no idea how Jiyong could deal with all those layers of clothes and costumes. Anyway, when I visited his hotel suite to meet him again for the first time, I was surprised to find him sprawled out on an armchair in a simple t-shirt and what appeared to be swim trunks, or maybe they were just boxers. It had been so long since I had seen him that way, as the old Jiyong with the baggy jeans and wife beater tops, with the long wispy hair and the large head beanies. He was just Jiyong. No intimidation, no cold shoulder treatment. Seeing him this way just reminded me again that this was the way I always saw him, beyond all that. A sense of relief swept across me, like I was welcomed back home. Not in the way that I belonged here, because I was only a concert guest after all, but I belonged _here_ , with _him_. He was already smiling when all I did was knock on his door and say hi. Or maybe I just had a dumb expression on my face, who knows.

"Seungriyah," he greeted me, standing up from his seat and opening his arms towards me. It just felt natural to walk into him and hug him, to pat his back and then continue to carry on some unfinished conversation from long ago.It was a feeling of simply getting back to where we last left off. Literally his next words were,"Hey let's go eat I'm starving" and "Dammit Seungriyah, you got me hooked on that dumb app." It wasn't much longer till we were at the hotel's restaraunt downstairs by the lobby. We were so busy chatting that I forgot how we even found the right elevator to use.

     In between the bites of noodles and chicken, he'd smile or reply to my questions or observations with short responses or little nods. Was I already talking too much? Or was he really just that hungry? I asked him if something was wrong. He started to play with the corners of the table cloth at our table, staring at the little flame of the white candle perched in the center.

"I can't believe I actually missed you," he groaned, but he was smiling and his eyes were teasing. So I was happy.

"So why are you being so quiet, hyung?" I asked him. He wasn't meeting my gaze.

He started off smiling so wide, really thinking about something, I guess, before burying his head into his hands. He stifled another groan into his palms.

"I just.."he started, lifting his head from his hands. He met my eyes this time but only for a few seconds before he was back into hiding his face again.

"I actually planned to have a serious talk with you about the show tomorrow and...but it turned into this because...and then I worried you'd be hungry and...just" he mumbled, threading his fingers through his hair.

"Oh! You wanted to talk business, hyung? Sure, what do you need me to do?"

"Ah, no its nothing, I just wanted to ask you what you had planned for the MC talks when I'm backstage getting ready for the next set. Its just been worying me a bit, I don't know..."

"What? Is there something in particular that you don't want me to say?"

"You know what it is, maknae."

And there it was.

"Hyung, you can't stop me from saying things like 'I love you' or embarassing you. If I like you, then I like you. I like to support my brothers and when I have something to say, I say it."

"I just wish you didn't," he sighed, pulling his plate away from him.

"Why? The audience likes it, right?"

"Seungriyah."

"What?"

"I just...You know...I don't know how to react when you say those things. Because everytime you say it, you sound so sincere. And then I just kind of get lost in thought and it takes me awhile to reply back."

"Okay, so why is saying "I love you too" so hard, then?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you. I can't say it like you can. I get a little worked up about it," he replied, biting his lip. "What the audience interprets and what you hear are different. I can't just boast about a girlfriend to the public or create another scandal again.  I'm at the point where I have to be careful. Most things I say? I don't care if I'm loved or hated for saying them. Honest. But when you're involved, when Seungri is involved, I just can't do it, maknae. I just can't say it."

I couldn't really decide if I should be happy or upset about Jiyong's reasoning.

"That's not going to stop me," I smiled.

"Of course," he sighed, shrugging down his shoulders in defeat.

"You don't have to worry about hurting me," I admitted. "Its okay, hyung. Really. You can keeping playing the heatbreaker role. But the thing is, my heart is yours. You can't hurt me. I'm strong. And I'm still not going anywhere."

     Before he could say anything else, our waiter came by and I quickly handed him one of my cards to pay for our bill. It was like a small victory to pay for Jiyong before he could protest and insist that he pay. Well, it was one of Jiyong's cards anyway. Not that it mattered.

     Taking the elevator back up with him to our rooms, I thought it would be fun to make a bet with him. Or maybe it was more of a challenge to just myself. Before we parted ways for the night, I took his hand in mine and swung our arms freely to the sound of the beeps that accompanied the passing of each floor up. I even found myself humming something to the rhythm of those beeps, and it must have been a recognizable tune, as he hummed along with me.

"Hey hyung."

"Hm?"

"I just thought of a game."

"What is it this time?" he complained, loosening the grip of our hands. I squeezed in reply. I wasn't ready to let go yet.

"Okay, so if I can get you to to say you love me too tomorrow at the show, I win a prize. If I don't, you win and get a prize."

"What are the prizes?" he smiled. This wasn't purely a light-hearted tease, at least not for me, but I'd play along.

"If you win, I'll never purposely annoy you again. I'll shut up and listen. I can do your laundry for a week."

"Yah!" he rolled his eyes,still smiling. "Not good enough. Make it a month of being good. Maybe two months.'

"Okay, fine," I nodded, swinging his arm again. "But if I win, I've decided to treat you like an ahjussi for a week. I'll totally embarrass you, play up your ankle injury, tell the media stories about how you-"

"Yah! Seungri!" he barked. "How is that any different from normal?"

"See? So if you lose, its not like it'll be a bad feat," I proposed. "So just let me win."

At that, he let go, and the elevator doors opened before us. He was shaking his head in disapproval.

"Night, hyung!"

He just kept shaking his head down the hallway.

"Get a good rest, punk."

\------------

 

Being on stage with him was so much fun.

     As the clock ticked closer to the time of the show where I was to make my entrance, I felt my own usual confidence swell. I had so much energy in me. On my back was a G-Crew long black coat in white letters. He threw it at the back of my makeup chair just an hour before the show started. It wasn't mine to keep, I knew, so I could only hope that I wouln't sweat too much while wearing it.

     Unfortunately, I could already feel my skin perspirating at just the sound of the crowd as Jiyong introduced me as his guest. After that, the rest of the night was almost a blur. Singing, dancing, all of that was second-nature. The number of times I complimented my hyung, the usual glances towards the background dancers as we waited for the music to cue, the amount of times we asked the sea of yellow and black to jump, to scream, to sing along, all of that--The only thing I could clearly remember was somehow being so close to Jiyong. Even with the stage as huge as it was, even though spacing ourselves out to interact with different parts of the arena was what we had learned to do all those years, I just kept finding myself close to him, maybe too close. Him attempting to bite my finger off was well worth the touch of his lips, his gentle smiles, the pats on the back.

     But most importantly, even if he was quiet, even if he played shy, he said it.

He said it.

\-----------------------------

 

     When it was time to leave for the airport to leave Beijing, his manager had brought out a cane for him to walk with. His ankle had swollen up. Beneathe the large frame sunglasses, he looked exhausted. I knew better than to say anything when he was like this. He had slept for the majority of the two-hour flight and I wasn't too far behind him. We awoke in just enough time to listen to the pilot's usual announcement before descent.

I couldn't tell if he was in any better of a mood. As we walked out of the tunnel that led us to the airport, he was still pretty quiet. So I figured I'd take my chances anyway and start the first joke.

     I had really surprised myself. From the terminal gate to baggage carriage pick-up to clear glass exit doors, all the way down escalators, through small crowds of fans taking pictures, he was laughing. Genuinely laughing. I played up my maknae role with my usual exaggeration, linking an arm around one of his and pointing down to the ground, watching his legs to make sure he would't trip over himself and that kind of thing. It was like helping an ahjussi cross the road, calling him oppa again and opening doors for him. Once we finally got to our car, he used his cane as a weapon against me. Our driver didn't even ask questions. I was smiling anyway.

"You are such a punk," he groaned again, throwing his head back against the back seat's head rest. "I shouldn't have let you win."

"Oh come on, hyung. Nothing bad happened from it,' I smiled, grabbing his cane from his lap and poking his knees with it.

"Yah, stop that," he complained lazily, trying to take his stick back. After three or four misses in the air, I figured he would just give up and let me mess with his walking accessory some more, but what I didn't see coming was the sharp elbow dig into my ribs. Of course he would smirk as I hunched over and lost my grip.

But what I also didn't see coming was being forced to sit back up again as he pressed his cane under my chin and used it to lift me up, staring at him face-to-face. All of a sudden I was trapped under his gaze as he observed me. I couldn't help but to start laughing to get rid of the tension.

"What's so funny, huh?" he smirked, before the stick under my chin was replaced by his thumb and index finger. After that, a wave of dizziness hit me as he pressed his lips against mine, if only briefly. He was smiling into it too, which just made the whole thing worse.Feeling a smile on my lips just made everything harder for me, just made it that much more difficult to breathe, to want to break free. I was so nervous and out of control that I couldn't loosen my jaw. I kind of just froze as he released me.

"What's wrong?" he laughed, patting a shoulder. I closed my eyes to make the little stars go away.

Perhaps this, of all the things Jiyong had done for me, done to me, perhaps _this_ was my greatest victory so far.

 

\------

     I had returned to Japan to start filming again, meeting up with comedians and other familiar faces, though of course I couldn't help but to be jealous that my hyungs over in Seoul had meanwhile been hanging out with some famous American actors at the studio. But work was work, and my duties as a host and comedian were still so much fun. I couldn't complain too much, I guess. I'd make sure to interrogate some people later to ask what Mr. Smith and his son were like, though.

    The month of May continued to be good for Jiyong hyung. He replied to my tweets, he told me I was cute. Trivial things, maybe, but it meant a big deal for me. I was even scheduled to be his concert guest again, this time in Shanghai. I was really looking forward to having fun with him. My manager booked my flight, some of my Japan activities were cancelled just to be there, and I had assumed that my performance visa was still valid, considering I was just in Beijing about two weeks ago.

     Somewhere along the line, there was a mishap. When I searched my name on the net, there was some confusion about there being a change in concert guests. There were comments mentioning Seunghyun hyung being the guest instead of me, and I had wondered how that had happened. I texted him and he didn't respond, of course, so I called my manager next. When I asked him, he figured they were just rumors. I asked him about the procedures of approving such paperwork, which turned into a small business talk. It was almost too much information to take in at once.

     After I hung up with him, I checked other websites as well, and fans had sent me messages.I just sat there in my apartment, back in Seoul now, reading comment after comment on my phone, on my laptop. My head started throbbing.

I shouldn't have looked. I really shouldn't have. Fans were angry. Whether it was towards me or the concert staff or whoever it was that was told that there was a change in guest, who knows. But it made me mad too. Disappointed, even. Hyun Suk called me up to his office. I already knew what he was going to say.

    I was under the impression that the fans in Shanghai didn't want to see me. It just reminded me again that my hyungs were still above me. They wanted to see Top. Jiyong called me, too, in the late evening, apologizing. But the wound was still fresh, and I didn't want to talk. It wasn't even so much as it was a blow to my ego, but rather a feeling of a kill to the excitement, to the hype. I just didn't have the energy.

"Hey, Seungriyah. Don't be like this," Jiyong crooned over the phone. "Its not like this is your fault. I mean, you're busy. Its not like you have time to look over the paperwork before it gets sent out for approval. Hell, I don't. Its not our job."

"Sure," was all I could say.

"Aish, don't give me that! I know you've got your poker face right now, don't fool with me. If you're mad, just say it! I'm here to listen, you know."

I could practically see him rolling his eyes, mentally cussing me out. Still, I said nothing.

"Okay, that's it. I'm hanging up before I-"

"Wait!"

"Oh good. He still listens," he sighed.

"Hey," I started, though unsure of what exactly I wanted to say. My thoughts just started babbling inside my head in complete chaos.

"Hey what?" he prompted.

I pinched at the top of my nose. "I'm, umm, I'm not feeling too well," I blurted out.

"Huh? Why, what's wrong? What hurts, maknae?"

"I don't even know any more. I want to see you."

"You can see me in a few days. You're still coming to Shanghai, right?"

"Would you let me visit you if I did? Even to just eat or talk or-I want to see you."

"Of course. Anytime. Let's meet up, okay? Don't do anything stupid until then, arassou?"

"Neh."

\---------

 

     Fans had waited for me at the airport when I arrived. They even looked worried, which was the least of what I wanted. I couldn't just ignore them. I had to pretend I was okay. I was, anyway, for the most part. I just recieved a text from Master Hwang telling me to meet him in the hotel's gym. For once I thought it would be nice to blow off some steam. I was going to be okay. I'd be here to support Jiyong, if anything else.

     The view outside from the gym was really nice. As the trainer turned up the speed on my treadmill, I watched cars pull into the front, visitors walking acoss the parking lot with their luggage. The grass and trees were such a vivid green. I could see little waves of heat blare over the pavement. June was right around the corner.

     There were a few times I questioned myself though. Still. Why was I here, just relaxing at a hotel while Jiyong was over at the arena rehearsing? The thought kept occuring to me that I would have been there with him at that moment. Performing was simply never a thing I could get tired of. The bitter feeling wouldn't fade away as I wanted to.

     By the time I had showered and dressed, Jiyong had finally finished his usual press conference and rehearsals and was on his way back. He sent me a text about his struggle against choosing food first or choosing sleep. I was about to reply with something dumb until his next text loaded. "Oh nevermind, I'll choose Seungriyah first ^^" appeared on my screen. Why would he be like this all of a sudden? Especially since I had been hissing a fit these past few days. I didn't deserve this. There had to be a catch to this kindess. When I asked him about it across the dinner table, he tsked.

"Hey. You're not the only one who's dealt with the politics surrounding the entertainment industry," he replied calmly. "It happens. I know how it hurts to prepare your heart for something so much only to be rejected from it when the big opportunity finally happens. I get it."

\---

 

He shared his suite with me.

The pillows were too soft.

"Hyung, don't you think the air conditioner is too cold in here?" I mumbled, laying still under all of the blankets. "Its bad for your vocal chords."

He rolled over and started to chuckle. It was too dark, too late. I couldn't see anything.

"Get up and fix the thermostat yourself then," he teased. "Here, I'll even help you get u-"

"Hyung!" I couldn't help but to squeal as his ice-cold fingers poked my neck. It took me a good minute of squirming under the sheets, detangling myself from all the fabric, before promptly getting up to mess with the little wall machine. I could feel his eyes on me, bursting into laughter after I tripped over my own two feet.

"And this is why I missed you," he said matter-o-factly while kicking his legs around.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I tried to whine, but I just ended up laughing along with him.

"Nothing, just come here," he ordered, patting the empty space of mattress beside him.

"You'll thank me later when your nose isn't frozen," I mumbled, crawling under the covers again. He reached for my arm in the dark and, after successfully finding it, tugged me closer towards his direction. I tried to move away but he threw a leg around my waist and at that point I gave up. Minutes passed before I started smelling the familiar scent of a heater.

"Ah. I can feel it,"he whispered.

"Feel what?"

"My nose. I can feel my nose," he laughed. "Good job, Seungriyah."

"Sure, whatever," I sighed. "You know, you need to sleep, hyung."

He answered with his usual reply of "I'll sleep when I'm dead," before rolling over to his other side, dragging me along with him.

I felt his chin dig into the top of my head. He had me facing him, wrapping his arms behind my back, still keeping his leg lazily over a hip.

"Has this ever felt weird to you, Seungriyah?" he breathed, pressing his lips onto my forehead. "You were so cute back then. I couldn't help it."

"Of course," was all I could say, and he stopped for a moment.

"Does it still feel weird?"

"Well," I hesitated. "Yes. But weird isn't a bad thing."

"How so?"

So I kissed him.

I kissed him the way I had wanted to kiss him.

I almost laughed at how easily he replied to it all. He pressed himself to me, and I remember thinking how warm indeed his nose was.

     I tried to break it off as soon as it had started, because I was already losing that control again, but Jiyong found my hand under the sheets and gave it a squeeze. I tried not to think about what was happening. I felt my face burning no matter where he brought his lips. His lips. His fingers. I became sort of hyper-aware of everything.

     This was the guy I had resented all these years, the hyung who disgusted me with his affections, how he would cradle me at night as if I were such a child, how he would bully and tease me. And now, here we were, like this. It was definietly weird. I wondered if it would be considered wrong to feel this way after all of that. I wasn't his baby brother anymore. I wasn't even playing the maknae role as much as I used to.

The way Jiyong loved really was different. I still never knew what he was thinking, how he really thought of me after all this.

Cautiously, I pressed a hand to his cheek. I wondered if he would try to bite my hand off again. Instead, he placed a hand over it, and he pulled away to meet my gaze gently.

"You're right, it's different," he smiled, licking his lips.

"Does it feel wrong?" I asked.

"Maknae has always felt a little wrong," he smiled. "Always too troublesome for your own good."

I shook my head at him. "Hey, but you're the one that said he wanted to get in trouble with me."

"Yep, that's still the same," he nodded. "I like walking over edges. Its such a thrill."

That sounded like such a GD thing to say. So I smiled.

"Yah! I know what you're thinking!" he barked."I'm just like this, okay? Get over it."

Once I nodded, he let go of me completely and I was free. I tried squirming away to give him more room for himself but the next thing I knew, he was pulling me back in again.

"Aish, no, stay close," he groaned, hugging me from behind. 'I'm going to sink into the mattress at this point. Everything's too soft. Be my body pillow."

So I whined. He freed a hand for a moment to swat at my head.

"Yah!" he laughed. "Don't even try."

I had already settled into him anyway.

I didn't have any dreams that night, though even just being like this with him again was more like a dream itself. I sent out a small prayer that my hyung would have a good show, and even if I couldn't be with him myself, I would always be his supporter, if all else failed.

Somewhere between sleep and awake, I felt him squeeze me just a little closer.

"I love you, Seungriyah," he whispered, smoothing his digits over my back.

I had hoped my sleep-slurred words were clear enough for him to make out. I didn't even know what I was trying to say, but the sound of his laughter echoed in my thoughts. And that was all I would want to hear for a long time.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leh sources:  
> May 5 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seung-chans-diary-this-is-beijing-in-china-130505-photo.html
> 
> May 5 Ri declaring his love for GD on stage again <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9zpTuigp9U
> 
> MAY 6 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/g-dragon-and-seungri-one-of-a-kind-world-tour-in-beijing-130505-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/g-dragon-and-seungri-gimpo-airport-back-from-beijing-130506-photo.html
> 
> fancams of gri on youtube (during encore) :
> 
> /watch?v=vjU3vMinTmw
> 
> /watch?v=8xEvewBA6xE
> 
> May 7 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/g-dragon-t-o-p-taeyang-and-other-yg-family-members-with-will-and-jayden-smith-130506-photo.html
> 
> May 9 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seungri-hyung-this-is-to-cute-130509-photo.html
> 
> May 11 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seung-chan-diary-update-130510-photo.html
> 
> May 14 Ri i Kyotohttp://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seung-chans-diary-im-in-kyoto-130514-photo.html
> 
> May 20 Ri back in Korea http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seungri-gimpo-airport-back-from-japan-130520-photo.html
> 
> May 25 not performing in Shanghai http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/hwang-ssabu-posts-a-photo-of-seungri-working-out-in-shanghai-130525-photo.html
> 
> More about the Shanghai issue: https://cameliacumel.wordpress.com/2013/05/28/a-vips-analysis-of-why-seungris-guest-performance-in-shanghai-was-cancelled/


	36. 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had to step back and let things be.

Everywhere we went, it was hot. There was no escaping the heat.

     After what felt like months, ages, too long, I had reunited with my fellow members in Nagoya to support Jiyong as concert guests. It was the final two nights of his dome tour and we all took breaks from our busy schedules just to meet up and perform together again. I missed them so much. We went out to eat sushi together after the concert and just talked. I was the most chatty one by far, which was probably why Jiyong chose to sit next to Youngbae instead. Daesung was happy to sit next to me, at least. Eventually I did find a topic where all the brothers could pitch in, so at last we were all talking again as a group of men rather than separately. We talked about women that we liked, shared stories about how silly our staff members could be, good places to go for cheap food, and just had fun, really. By the end of our meal, I had convinced Seunghyun, who was sitting on the other side of me, that the sushi sold in Nagoya was the best. It seemed he couldn't get enough of the stuff, in fact, because he left us after day two of the concert, saying he wanted to go out for sushi again by himself. Seunghyun had such a free soul. Not even Daesung could sway him.

     The weekend following Nagoya was another concert for me to guest in, this time in even-hotter Thailand. I was so thrilled to perform on stage for two weekends in a row. I was even more ecstatic because this was in Thailand, where I had some great friends that I would be sure to visit. Time with friends, hot weather, warm hearts, great food, and spending more time with my favorite hyung, what more could I ask for? The last time I was in Thailand was during Christmas, so I had some catching up to do. The fact that the weather was still as hot as I remembered it just made me feel more at home.

     While I was visiting friends, though, Jiyong was either working with the concert staff or talking on the phone with Youngbae. Even backstage, as we were preparing before his show, he would simply listen to his best friend on the phone and try to sound comforting. It seemed the makeup noona was having a hard time with his eyeliner. I caught glimpses of him wiping his eyes. He was trying to hide his emotions since he had a performance to get through, and he was pretty good at hiding for that matter, but I knew something was up anyway. I asked him if it was something he could tell me. He shook his head and told me not to worry. How could I not? I would be sure to talk to Youngabe later. In the meantime I had to make sure our audience was going to have the time of their lives. I warned Jiyong to be ready for anything when it came time for me to talk on stage. With that, he shook his head and something changed in his expression. I realized then that he was just the distant GD now, as the screams and roar of voices started to fill in the arena little by little.

It was fortunate for me that the crowd really got him going. By the time he introduced me on stage, he looked a lot happier. A passionate audience always did wonders. I was so thankful.

     He seemed in such a better mood, in fact, that I figured it was safe to tease him. On with the usual compliments and words of love I went, sprinkling in some Thai in beween the English. I even asked him to kiss me, but seriously didn't expect him to get as close as he actually did. I was honestly shocked that he would even lean in that close to me, so I laughed it off and dodged. Of course I wanted him to, but looking back on it, I'm glad it didn't happen. This was just fan service, after all. This was in public. What if I were to respond? I could see myself tarnishing his name. It scared me, how much I cared for him, how much so many other people around the world loved him. Jiyong wasn't mine. Learning restraint was the hardest thing of all. I hated boundaries, I wish I didn't have to walk around eggshells. But I did. I had to, even as it upset me.

\--

I had a hard time sleeping that night.

Jiyong had gone to bed early and told me not to bother him. We each had our own hotel rooms. Well, it was an emotional day for him, I figured. He must have been tired.

     I kept thinking about what happened in the concert. What could have happened. Whether or not I should be happy with myself. I wasn't even the type to overthink things or worry. Really, I wasn't. But it bothered me. I sat up straight in bed at around two in the morning, staring at the bright neon green of the alarm clock blinding me in the darkness, and picked up my cellphone. I remembered there was someone I needed to call, who was sure to be up at this hour.

"Yah, what gives?" was how Youngbae greeted me.

"Hyung, I can't sleep."

"Okay, you want me to read you a story or something?"

"Yah! That's not what I want."

"So you want porn, then? Sorry I don't have an-"

"Hyung!"

Not even his little snicker sounded convincing. I had to ask him what was wrong.

"Jiyong didn't tell you?"

"He's been so upset. He wouldn't tell me."

With that, he let out a deep sigh.

"Boss had surgery a few days ago for a herniated disk," he spoke slowly. Some papers rustled in the background.

"How's he doing? Is he with you?"

"He's at the clinic. Doesn't look good. At all. I can see the pain in his eyes."

"He's not getting better?"

"The staff are doing all they can. They've been so kind," he replied calmly. "I've been praying. I feel like its all I can do."

"I'll pray for Boss too, hyung."

"Do you even like dogs?" he snickered again. "I mean, Gaho-"

"Boss is better than Gaho," I smiled in the darkness.

''You're only saying that because he hasn't bitten you." He added in a "yet."

"Hyung!" I laughed. "I mean it!"

"Sure, whatever," he dismissed. "Tell me what's wrong with you, then."

"Well, Jiyong-"

"No wait, stop right there. If its about him, just give the summary." I could hear him groaning away from the receiver.

"He almost kissed me on stage. I dodged him."

"Well good. The fans had fun, then."

"Isn't it bad, though?" I blurted out. "Its all just fun and games, right? Until someone gets hurt."

"I thought you liked Jiyong's way of playing with you though. Its your thing," he said matter-of-factly.

"I can't tell when he's serious or when its just for fun, though.."

"You know how he likes messing with people. Especially you, maknae."

"Am I just an open target?"

"Kind of," he laughed. "Its because you take things lightly. You're the one who eases the pressure, who gets us to loosen up and laugh. You're strong that way."

"Am I really?"

Stong? That wasn't the word I would have used. Far from it, in fact.

"He gets away with it because you let him, maknae. Everytime you smile at him or you whine about something. You're just so fun to tease, you know?"

I wasn't sure I liked where this conversation was going.

"Hyung, but where do I draw the line?" I sighed. "I feel like...I dunno, he's not doing this for fun, anymore. Or maybe its me."

"Ah, there it is."

"Huh?"

"You're not having fun? You're not enjoying it? Since when? Seungriyah, you love it when the attention is on you. When did that stop?"

Wait, was that true? I didn't say anything.

"I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again, Ri. He's talked about you so many times. His smile is different with you. Your smile is different with him. I've seen it." He let out a small sigh and added in,"You could even say I'm a little envious of it."

"Eh? You? But you're his best friend. He's so relaxed with you."

"Well, I don't mean-" He paused. "You know, I just wish you would smile at us differently, too, sometimes. There's times I think that being maknae's favorite hyung is such a pain, and other times I'd really like to experience it."

"Yah! What are you saying?" I chuckled. "Hyung, that's such a lie."

"No, really, I mean it,"  his voice broke off to cover his laughter.

"Hyung!" I whined. Oh well, at least he was laughing. I guess I had unknowingly helped get his mind off of Boss for a while.

It wasn't much longer that we were wishing each other a good night and hanging up. I was sure Youngbae would still be up though. I didn't pray much, but that night I did make sure to send out whatever kind messages I could toward Boss's way. I had to be up in a few hours anyway to catch my flight back to Seoul. I'd have to sleep on the plane.

\--

I awoke in my room to a loud clap of thunder. The soft patter of rain against the roof calmed me down.

I rolled around to check the time on my phone. It was still early in the morning. After seeing Youngbae had sent us all a group text, I sat up immediately. He told us that Boss passed away. Youngbae's phone line was busy when I tried to call him.

     There wasn't a minute to waste. I needed to get some groceries and meet some people. I had set up an appointment with a psychology professor, too. I wanted to talk to someone about the stress I'd been feeling recently. Off I went with an umbrella and my wallet. The rain had made Seoul seem so quiet. My thoughts were too loud.

I was over-thinking.

     The professor looked me straight in the eye and told me I had to rationalize myself, that I needed to just let things be. There wasn't any point in worrying over something, and I knew that, yet I still wasn't being myself. Be it about a relationship or about work, my future shoudn't be set on a deadline or a social status. I had asked him,"But what if it doesn't just affect my carrer, but someone else's? What if my actions and words negatively impact the person I love?" He told me that I am what I think I am, that we're all our own worst judges. The way we view ourselves can have such an important impact.

The point was, I had realized something. Something important. All this time, I had felt too strongly about what Jiyong was to me. I had to step back and let things be. I was expecting too much. It was something Jiyong had warned me of time and time again. Somewhere along the line, trying to act more mature, I lost that care-free feeling. Youngbae was right, I was the one that took things lightly, but he meant it in a good light. That was my role. As Seungri, as maknae, as an entertainer. I would be happy to fill that role. Always.

\---

     The next day I was up early again, though this time at YG, training with Master Hwang. The sky from outside the window was overcast. I wondered when the rain would let up. The weather just made it a little harder to want to work, though Hwangssabu sure was doing his best at getting me out of that attitude. He told me I had to put enough sweat in for two people, seeing as my usual work out buddy, Youngbae, was gone for good reason.

     For the rest of June, I was either filming in Japan or in the recording studio in Seoul. I had visisted my parents, too. Every morning started with Hwangssabu and every night ended with a scratchy throat from singing. Daesung had recently finished the last of his solo concert tour in Japan, Jiyong and Youngbae were also in the studio working on solo albums, and we figured Seunghyun was probably busy too, having rarely bothered to answer our texts,as usual.

     July pretty much came and went as fast as June. I had stopped getting sleep at some point and started putting everything into my own music production. There was always something that needed to be done, it was like there was no beginning and no end. I only remember Yang Hyun Suk giving me the go-ahead with a wave of his hand across his office desk, and then I was preparing myself for a comeback. It was as simple and fast-paced as that.

     As the deadline neared, I figured it was safe to start actively tweeting and posting again. I was inside the quiet of the storm at that point, though I was about to step out into the chaos as soon as I posted something. I just wanted to spill everything at once, I couldn't contain myself. It seemed I was back to deleting tweets and sharing more selcas. The hyungs shook their heads at me.

I was happy with how the sounds turned out. I told myself I would have no regrets.

     Of course Jiyong was annoyed that the album was coming out so close to his birthday, but he supported me, nonetheless. A week leading out to my first Inkigayo stage, he had visited me in the dance studio and brought snacks. He looked more exhausted than I did, and that was saying something. His own album was coming out soon after mine, and he was at the most crucial part himself. He told me he couldn't eat, but I made sure to share. I made him sit on the wooden floor with me, our backs away from the mirrors. He would stuff chopsticks of rice into my mouth and then poke my puffed cheeks just to laugh. He even stayed awhile to watch me practice and easily picked up the choreography. Before he left, he made sure to ask everyone in the dance studio to take good care of me, before throwing a towel at me and ruffling my hair. He pulled me to the side and told me I was ready, though I was sure he was going to send me a long text again as soon as he saw my first performance. I tried not to think about it.

I was going to have an open mind this time around. It was all I could do. I just needed to be myself, do my best, and let whatever happen.

In return, I was given so many of my favorite memories. The final months of summer left me at my happiest.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sources:  
> June 1 OT5 in Nagoya <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-nagoya-130601-photo.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-it-was-fun-130602-photo.html
> 
> June 8 Gri in Thailand <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-heat-in-your-heart-130608-photo.html
> 
> Thailand fancam http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mjhf-Xjm7BU&list=PLzR35m7tsp5IyA10e5M4KV-RYPl4L3cW5
> 
> June 10 Boss passes away :( http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/taeyangs-dog-boss-passes-away.html
> 
> June 11http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/hwang-ssabu-posts-a-photo-of-seungri-working-out-130611-photo.html
> 
> June 13 diary about stress/anxiety “It’s no use even if you take it to heart.”http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-updates-phototrans.html
> 
> June 15 Ri with his parents <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-birdie-chance-130615-photos.html
> 
> June 20 diary http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-dairy-raining-sounds-130620-photo.html
> 
> June 23 Daesung ends his Japan Tour
> 
> June 25 Ri gets Facebook
> 
> July 6 more of Ri being a social butterfly http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungri-actor-choi-taejuns-birthday-party-120706-photo.html
> 
> July 9 diary http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungri-actor-choi-taejuns-birthday-party-120706-photo.html
> 
> July 14 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/inkigayo-mistakenly-announces-seungris-comeback.html
> 
> July 21 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungris-twitter-and-instagram-update-130721-photo.html
> 
> July 29 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungri-to-make-a-solo-comeback.html
> 
> July 31 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungri-gdragon-twitter.html
> 
> Aug 7 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-busan.html
> 
> Aug 12 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungris-facebook-twitter-instagram.html


	37. 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It felt so good to be back.

The week leading up to the album release, I shared my stories to the public. About the tracks, working with the staff, the writing process, and so on; those were things I was willing to share. More importantly, though, I was giving away a secret that I had kept for over a year, something that I didn't want to share. My feelings were still hurt. She was so much a secret that not even my members knew, not even Jiyong. Even then, I'd still rather not talk about her.

One of the factors that led me to stay in Japan in 2012, along with the hosting and acting activities, was her.

     Jiyong had warned us before the Alive tour even started that we shouldn't be seeing anyone. He even looked me dead in the eye when he was talking to all of us about it. It wasn't that I didn't choose to listen, but rather everything that had to do with her just happened so fast. We only lasted six months after all, and that's when I spiraled downwards and started my meetings with the woman who sold my pictures to the Japanese tabloids.

My members were my brothers who I could tell everything to, but I was so relieved that they would never ask me about her even when I had accidently slipped in her name in conversation.

     I had come to understand that my members had finally viewed me as an equal, as a man. I would always be maknae, yes, but there were things that I didn't have to talk about if I didn't want to. The dating ban had been long gone, but it was understood that even if we were dating someone, we had to do our best not to be seen in public. Either way, I was just so happy to even have that freedom.

     Even Jiyong, who had been so possessive of me, who was the first to admit that he didn't like me seeing so many girls and how I was so troublesome to him in that way--I was so surprised, shocked, even, that he treated me in the same manner as the other members. Should I be happy, or should I be worried? I felt like I had lost something. Any time that Jiyong was working on his own albums, he would always revert back to being distant, not talking to me, going back to being the wrong side of the magnet, pulling. I wanted to ask him, but his own comeback was approaching so fast and I knew better than to disturb him. I would have to put that worry away, for now. I was busy with my own promotions, after all.

     In the end, I was being just as distant. Jiyong's birthday was the day before my album release, and I had a schedule to film an interview for Inkigayo that day. He was holding a party at a club with his closest friends that night, but I was too tired from filming and dance rehearsals to even want to attend. It wasn't my kind of party, anyway. He left a comment online saying I looked handsome from a selca I took at the Inkigayo recording. So he wasn't ignoring me? That in itself was enough for me to pick up my phone and call everyone.

     Midnight was soon approaching, and this was important not just because of my album that would be released 12 hours later, but because this new day fastly approaching was the seven year anniversary of BIGBANG. After brushing my teeth and climbing into bed, I called up my members in a group chat. I was so happy that they all picked up. Even Seunghyun was on the line, speaking so formally to us all about how far we'd come all these years, how happy he was to be our hyung. We each had our own turn congratulating each other, and it truly felt like I could see them all smiling if we were all in the same place. We made a promise to keep in touch more, and I really hoped that promise could be kept. I missed everyone, I really did.

With that, I closed my eyes with happier thoughts, the sound of everyone's familiar laughter lingering before a dreamless sleep.

\---

 

My stomach was doing all sorts of flips and twists once I woke up.

     The day of the release was my one day to sleep in before all hell broke loose, and now it was past noon. It was out. Its out, its out. The music video, the download links on the music sites. Was I nervous, excited? The fluttering in my stomach was the best feeling imaginable. I loved that thrill. I even indulged myself and watched the music video even though I had already seen the finished product long before. Should I read the comments? Whould should I do, I wondered. It was times like this where I could easily be called vain. I couldn't help it. I told myself to calm down and give it some time while getting out of bed.

     Hwangssabu greeted me with a big slap on my back as I walked into the gym that afternoon. He told me he had been looking at the music charts, and as I started to pull out my cell phone to check online, he swiftly took it from my hands and wrapped me into a headlock. "Nope, workout first. Browse later," he chided me. I whined a little as he told me to think of it as motivation. Warming up on the treadmill felt agonizingly slower than usual. Master Hwang looked really smug.

     I was doing so well. I was more than happy. If there was such a word to describe just how happy I was, it was like flying, feeling light. The butterflies in my stomach had returned. Throughout the afternoon and into the evening, it was nothing but good news for me. Thailand, Hong Kong, Mexico, Phillipines, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Taiwan, even the USA, I saw my name on the charts. I wished I could just go out and meet all these people who were buying it. I sincerely wanted to thank everyone.

\---

 

The evening before the day of my comeback stage filming on Inkigayo, I had received an email from my omma. I was just checking the messages on my phone during a short break at the dance studio, but sat straight up as soon as I read a message titled "Don't Tell Dad!"

     It seemed Dad's passion for golf had never left. It was essentially because of golf that we were in debt back then, so I had wondered if he had resented getting into the sport at times. After selling the first house and moving into a smaller one, watching Dad drink and smoke, remembering how stressed and tired my parents looked in those early years, it seemed he had pushed away golfing completely. But now, Mom had messaged me to say that Dad had just won 3rd place at a golfing competition.

How hard had he been working? I was so proud of him. Apparently he didn't want to tell me himself because it wasn't first place, like he had lost to me or something. I must have received the competitive/show-off trait from him. I couldn't stop myself from smiling at the thought.

\---

 

     Jiyong suddenly started texting me on the day of my comeback stage. He was in America at the time to perform at a convention. Even with it being midnight on a Saturday in LA in comparison to Seoul's four in the evening on Sunday, he had managed to watch a live stream of the music show. Of course Jiyong would stay up late, even if he was jetlagged; I guess he was still a night owl as always. As soon at the show was over, he had sent me a large text critizing my whole performance. I saw it coming, of course, and I knew he was doing this because he wanted me to have a stronger performance, but I was still a little upset. _This is just his way of showing he cares_ , I told myself. Besides, it wasn't long after that when he sent me a message full of random emoticons and hearts. In the end I laughed it off and replied back with a thank you. He had also sent staff over to hand out vitamin water to all the fans in the audience during my stage. He was suddenly being so supportive, even when he was away. I left the filming studio practically bouncing in happiness.

\---

     When Jiyong returned back to Seoul, he went right to work. I was seeing him in the hallways of the YG building more and more now that he was done with the recording process and outside the studio. I started hearing his new music blaring in the dance studios. In the cafeteria I saw him talk leisurely with the trainees as he ate.

     I myself had gotten really close to the trainees at that time, too. As soon as I would end a dance rehearsal, they would come in and bow to everyone in the room before taking the studio over. I liked to stay and watch them whenever I had time, and little by little I was learning everyone's names. As a trainee I hated being called "you in the red" so I had promised myself to be a friendly hyung and know everyone. I was the sociable one after all; it wasn't hard.

Seungyoon had come up to me one day outside the hallways of YG's office, looking stressed and anxious about something. He had started talking to me often recently, and I was more than happy to accept the role of a hyung.

He had asked me about my experience as a trainee, how to be a better team, how to deal with the constant feeling of losing to the other team of trainees and not fitting in with YG's standards. Those kinds of things.

"Winning votes doesn't always mean success. The same thing goes about being YG's favorite," I told him. I came to YG as a young boy who was passionate about only dancing at first but then developed a love for singing. I practiced and practiced, wanting to impress everyone with how well I could sing. My acceptance into BIGBANG, after all, was based soley on showing an improvement to my vocals. Its not just about being a visual or the dancer or the vocal. It will always be about the music and the feelings and energy that gives the band the reputation. What Seungyoon was worried about was being told his group didn't look like they were having fun together. They wanted to be accepted so badly that they conrolled every move in practice, and everything had to be perfect. It seemed they were in the same position as I had been: they just needed to relax, let go, release all the tension and frustration. I told my donsaeng to talk with his team, about anything. Have someone be the mood setter, and while it was okay to want perfection, trying to be perfect was just going to take the fun and excitement away.

He asked me then, what about Jiyong? Everyone knew about his work ethic.

"Well," I sighed,"Even now, he wants to correct me." Seeing the surprise in his expression made me want to laugh. In the distance I noticed his other team members calling for him, so I just smiled in greeting and pat my dear dongsaeng's shoulder before leaving him be. Still seeing the question in his eyes, I quickly remarked,"Its okay to ignore the hyung sometimes, you know."

\---

 

A few days later, Youngbae sent all of us a text with a picture of his new puppy.

"Hyung! Invite me over so I can play with him!" I texted back. He replied with a quick,"Yah, get back to work. :p"

I ended up opening up the chat into a group text and asking if any of the members would be willing to chat with me live on air during my fan event later. Daesung was the first to say yes, while Jiyong replied with a vague "if there's time" since he was busy practicing for his finale solo concert in a few days. Well, that was enough for me.

Both my fan sign event and the LINE event that immediately followed were both beyond my expectations. I was so nervous somehow. The fans were so cute! Their energy was contageous. I was so happy and relieved to hear Daesung's voice again. Even then, he was in Japan promoting with his own fan event. His album and concerts were so successful, I'd been hearing a lot of good praise about him.

Jiyong managed to pick up the phone too. How many times had I called him oppa? I lost count. We playfully exclaimed,'Tory! Nyongtory!" to each other and I simply couldn't stop smiling. It was like a switch had magically flipped, and we were back again. Fan service or not, I would take what I could get.

He started chatting with me again.

\--

 

August ended with the end of Jiyong's world tour, with of course BIGBANG being his special guests. I missed the feeling of sharing the stage with them. It felt so natural.

Before the show started, I made Jiyong practice the Gwiyomi Player with me backstage. Even then, he complained and told me he wouldn't do it. I told him he didn't have to be the cool guy all the time, and though he kept giving me a look of disapproval, I just kept throwing smiles at him until he would loosen up.

     Just like that, once the show started, he was letting me near him. I kept finding myself looking at him, walking or dancing towards him. He would lightly wrap a hand around my waist from time to time to get me to walk into another direction. Other times he would pull me into a hug. I just felt so warm, with his brown eyes gazing into me like that. He was pulling me in again, and for the first time in a long while, I could breathe normally around him. There was that odd tension pulling at my chest again, but I wasn't afraid.

     As the curtain fell to signal the end, he held onto my hand for just a little longer, gave it a squeeze, and then let go to exit as the cordi noonas swarmed up to all of us to give us water and towels. I watched from behind as he bowed to everyone along the way to his dressing room, and little by little his shoulders seemed to fall into a relaxed postition. But when I caught a glimpse of his face again, I saw tears in his eyes. It was a long tour, wasn't it? I wondered if he felt lonely, I wondered if the tour had ended up the way he envisioned it. I couldn't help but to feel pride as everyone came up to him and congratulated him. This was his time, so I backed off.

Now that it was September, I knew time was pulling closer and closer for him to make his comeback with a new album. My goodbye stage, in fact, was in a mere few weeks.

The screams of the fans echoed throughout the night in my thoughts, as I merely continued to watch his back from a safe distance until he reached an arm behind him and squeezed a hand around my wrist this time, pulling me in to walk beside him.

It felt so good to be back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sources:  
> Aug 13 "My age is 24, it's a good time to talk about love deeply. Love.. yes, love. I'm not sure if it was love or not, but I was happy and hurt/sad. Maybe it was love."http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungris-facebook-update-130813-phototrans.html
> 
> Aug 14 " 4 years since, a long time has passed. Many things have happened to me. Things that I cannot fully explain in words."http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungris-instagram-from-13th-and-14.html
> 
> Aug 15 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/d4-seungri-sns-updates.html
> 
> "Everything about a certain girl I used to go out with were lies, and whenever I would find out, I would be really shocked. It made both of us frustrated and cold to each other. I felt more angry that she was just waiting for me to say we should break up."http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-comeback-teaser-d5.html
> 
> Aug 16/More about Seungri's past girlfriend http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-facebook-twitter-d3.html
> 
> Aug 17 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-gotta-talk-to-you.html
> 
> Aug 18 GD's bday http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/gdragon-nuthang.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-instagram-inkigayo.html
> 
> Aug 19/BB anniversary "Before I posted this, I called our members and we congratulated each other and promised to keep up in the future."
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-facebook-message.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-working-out-yg.html
> 
> Ri happy about itunes chart rankings http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-itunes-ranking.html
> 
> Aug 23-25 GD in LA for KCON
> 
> Aug 25 YB reveals new dog Homie
> 
> Aug 25 diary http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-diary-3rd-place-more-valuable-than-1st.html
> 
> more about Ri's dad being a golfer/debt http://fyeahseungri.com/post/9866074972/so2tw-seungri-thirteen-so-what-if-its-difficult
> 
> "The song 'GG Be' is about a girlfriend that he dated for 6 months about a year ago. It was a secret date, but he later found out that his girlfriend was dating another guy at the same time for a month."
> 
> Aug 25 GD's text after first Inkigayo stage 
> 
> http://ygunited.com/2013/08/seungri-%ED%95%A0%EB%A7%90%EC%9E%88%EC%96%B4%EC%9A%94-gg-be-sbs-inkigayo-comeback/
> 
> "Hyung's treat" http://fyeahseungri.com/post/58984379618/hyungs-treat-gds-present-for-kvips-attending
> 
> Aug 28 fansign http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-fan-sign-fancams.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungris-line-chat-event.html
> 
> Aug 31 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-one-of-a-kind-final-in-seoul.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/ooak-final-seoul-day-1-g-dragon-seungri-kwiyomi-videos.html
> 
> http://fyeahseungri.com/post/41681800190/gri-moments-in-alive-tour-final-seoul-day-3


	38. 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decided right then and there what I was going to do when Jiyong won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of the fic. Hope you enjoyed :)

     We were all exhausted with the end of Jiyong's tour, but a day later we had filming schedules. I was more than happy to join Jiyong and Daesung though. Looking over the plans the Running Man staff had given us, I knew it would be fun. As soon as we arrived on set, even as tired as we were, we couldn't help but to smile and enjoy ourselves as the cameras started filming.

     Daesung's team was clearly winning, but I didn't mind at all. It was worth it just to laugh along. From running in the mud to chasing after dogs to jumping rope on floating mats in a pool, even as my calves ached, somehow I kept finding energy to spare. On the car ride back home after filming, I started writing down ideas for my upcoming Saturay Night Live skits as my hyungs slept. How had I already been this busy when the new month had just started? I considered myself so fortunate to have so many opportunities.

     Just days before my live show, I had a final meeting with the SNL staff to go over the scripts. I even prepared a song, receiving so much encouragement and witty remarks. Meanwhile Jiyong was over at the SBS studios pre-recording his comeback stage. Of course I hadn't forgotten to return hyung's favor from when he treated everyone to drinks during my stage. So I wrote "dongsaeng's treat" on little paper fans that the VIP could hold and sent them over his way. When I recieved a text from Jiyong about an hour into my meeting, I couldn't help but to smile. He thanked me in his usual back-handed compliment style. I showed the message to the staff around me and they laughed.

     When Saturday finally came, as nervous as I was to be acting live on air, I managed to pull through with all the supporting and bullying texts from my hyungs and family. I couldn't check my phone during the commercial breaks when we were off-air because I was too busy preparing for the next skit, but even if I could, I would've been too afraid to check anyway. As it was, I could already practically hear Jiyong complaining about the impersonations.

     So once the show was at last over, I took a deep breath and prepared myself for whatever backlash I would get. As long as the audience found some part of me worth a good laugh, I would be happy. More than happy. I felt it my job to always be the mood-maker, the easy-going. If I couldn't at least do that much, then I wouldn't be Seungri.

When I finally did check my phone, I felt as I had done just that. I had been myself, and YG labelmates who watched the show told me I had done a good job.

\--

The next day I had a fan meeting and signing event.

     The venue was small but so many seats were filled with smiling faces. How could I not be satisfied? It was time to do something I was good at: to just talk and provide fan service. It was such a memorable day for so many reasons. For one thing, it was a boost to my ego, but among other things I found familiar faces in the crowd and could actually match names to some. There was even a woman from the states visiting, so I didn't hesitate to practice my conversational English. The smiles, their sweet voices, the gentle way they shook hands with me-I ate it all up.

And, as totally unexpected, Jiyong entered from the back door.

Wasn't he just at the SBS studios? He looked like he was still glowing from his Inkigayo stage, walking briskly to the front of the room with two of my CDs in his hand. I was looking down at the time, so I hadn't even seem him cut the line to get to the signing table. All I heard were the girls' screams.

Just like that, with him pretending to nervously approach me, I couldn't stop smiling. After I signed his CDs and looked up at him, he gently said,"I'll wait for you."

     I gave him a questioning look. I knew he had a full schedule. I still had a good hour or two to go before my fan sign event ended. But before I could say anything, the camera men were motioning me to take pictures with Jiyong. Then right after the pictures, Jiyong ran over behind me acting like a crazy fangirl again to backhug me. So I jokingly motioned the security guards over as Jiyong laughed all the way while being pulled to one of the exit doors.

     The rest of the event carried on without a hitch, though I wondered in the back of my mind if Jiyong was able to safely escape the building and return to his activities. When I was done for the day and finally checked my phone, he had sent me a text saying YG had wanted to see us in his office and jokingly complained that the security guards were too rough.

\---

Stepping out of the elevator into the hallway leading to the office, I found Jiyong leaning against the walls across from me. As soon as the elevator beeped and closed behind me, he looked up from the floor and smiled coyly at me, with hands stuffed in the front pockets of his shorts.

"Told you I'd wait," he remarked with a teasing glint in his eyes.

"You really surprised me back there, hyung."

"That was kind of the point," he grinned. "You should have seen the look on your face."

"I was smiling like a fool, ye?"

He was practically beaming. "That way you smile when I shock you is the only reason I still do it," he nodded, ungluing himself from the wall to hover in front of me and mess with the collar of my shirt.

"Hyung!"

"What?" he chuckled,"Its just that you've seemed so stiff lately. Even now, not all your smiles reach your eyes, and when I see you on tv, you still do that thing where you suck in the air through your teeth." After making sure my collar and jacket were in alignment and presentable for the boss, looking me up and down and apprearing pleased with his own adjustments, he reached for my hand as we made our way to the entrance of the main office.

     The meeting itself wasn't anything big at all, just a rescheduling for the week's Inkigayo recording and a talk about Jiyong and I being special MCs. I also had my Goodbye stage that week and had earlier sent in a request to have Youngbae and Jiyong perform with me. Hyun Suk had accepted and the next thing I knew, we were leaving the office to go to the dance studios and meet up with Youngbae.

\---

  
     The dance studios themselves, all of them, were occupied with trainees and the dance teams at the time that Jiyong and I arrived downstairs. After a quick text though, Youngbae had said it was okay to meet him at the studio where some of the WIN trainees were at. He was doing some kind of mentoring thing with them. Of course I was a little jealous. When I was a trainee, I guess you could say we had Seven hyung as a sort of mentor, but really he spent more time with Top and Jiyong than me. So when we walked in Studio B to find Youngbae comfortingly talking to all five of the members of Team A, I couldn't help but to feel envious.

"Hey!" Youngbae smiled as we entered the dance room, immediately getting up from sitting on the floor to walk up to us and pat our backs. I noticed immediately how much more relaxed Jiyong's shoulders were now that he was with his best friend. Even if the two saw each other almost everyday, it was always the same with him, meanwhile Jiyong would always seem a little more tense when he was with me. Did I make Jiyong nervous?

The trainees all greeted us with bows and eager eyes, though I couldn't help but be a little proud when Seungyoon in particular, since I had been talking with him a lot lately, had greeted me with a friendly smile instead of a look of intimidation.

We didn't even start dance rehearsal right away. Youngbae was giving the trainees a break to eat since it was way past noon, while he, Jiyong, and I just sat on the floor and talked.

     No matter what, I would always enjoy just talking with my members. No matter the topic, even if it was full of teasing and criticism towards me, I loved it. I loved my team, my band, my brothers. Even as we all had solo activities that were supposedly against each other as a competition for all the public to see, we would never see it that way. Rather than a solo contest, it was just a family game. It would be like if I played a game of golf with my father. Of course he had the higher scores and more years of experience, but was I jeaous? Did I want to beat him and throw all my passion towards getting a better score than him? No. Even having the opportunity to just play with him was fun.

Jiyong would always be the golden child, and even Youngbae was extremely successful by himself. Maybe there were more members in the fan cafes for the other hyungs than there would ever be for me. But why would that matter?

When the conversation finally got around to work, Youngbae had slapped Jiyong's back and congratulated him on being double nominated for the top three songs of the week. Of course Jiyong was bound to win Inkigayo that week, even as modest as he was about it. Everyone knew.

"Can we talk about something else now?" Jiyong laughed, fingers drumming anxiously against the wooden floor.

"Okay, sure," Youngbae nodded, turning his attention towards me. "Seungriyah, what do you want to do for your Goodbye stage? I'm kind of surprised you chose to share the stage with us instead of a sexy dance with a girl," he chuckled.

"Hyung!"

"What?" he smiled. "I know how your mind works, maknae."

"I was wondering the same thing," Jiyong added in. "I seriously started to think you were going to ask the noonas to dress us up like sexy club women and spin us around on stage like a parody."

"Yah! Save that idea for a variety show," I whined, burying my head in my hands at just the thought. Jiyong and Youngbae found the whole thing hilarious though, and soon enough I was barking my hyena laugh right along with them.

"He's gonna find some way to treat us like girls," Youngbae remarked. "Jiyong-ah, you have to do the genie dance with him." Jiyong just hid his face with his hands and kept laughing, though I saw a little nod.

I decided right then and there what I was going to do when Jiyong won. Needless to say we gave up the thought of choreography altogether and just played the song once through in the studio and figured we'd adlib the whole live performance.

\----

After some more fansignings and other events of our busy schedules, it at last came time to end my Korean promotions on Sunday.

     I was in a great mood. Not once did I win a top song of the week award, but I ended promotions without any injuries and with music that I was satisfied with. I gave it my all, changed my singing style, changed my looks, wrote my songs--I would have no regrets. Both off and on camera, Jiyong joked around with me and we kept eachother's spirits up. Sunday was simply a celebration.

     Letting go and deciding not to have any expectations was all I could do. It wasn't like I had any free time to think anyway. Music was just music and shows were simply shows. Jiyong, too, was just Jiyong. I loved him, but it was best to just not think about it. Whatever happened would happen. And with that change in thinking, I felt so much more free.

From wiping each other's sweat to uploading embarrassing selcas backstage, I think the fans had a blast.

     When the winner of the week was announced, Jiyong hid his face behind me so that the cameras couldn't film his reaction. So I just smiled and smiled for the cameras as the votes tallied up. In that moment, it felt like Jiyong was giving me the screen time to make me feel like I was the one nominated instead of him. When I asked him later about it, he told me just that. "Seungri is always the winner," he smiled. "So I wanted the viewers to see that."

     But in that moment, as the confetti fell and my hyung's name was announced, it almost felt like I was living in slow motion for a moment. With only minutes before the red lights of the cameras would turn off, as Jiyong made his thank you speech and even promoted my album, the excitement in the air was so thick and the chatter of the crowd seemed so loud. My thoughts were racing. The MCs were quickly concluding the show and I didn't have much time. But I made up my mind. I was so happy for my hyung and I was going to show it.

     As soon as hyung's track started playing through the speakers, I made my choice, squatting down to reach under Jiyong's legs to pick him up and carry him. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to carry his weight at first, but when I did, I sent a secret thank you towards Hwangssabu's way. Jiyong had tilted his head back and was smiling so brightly in my arms; I almost didn't want to let him go. But in the end, I brought him back down and let him yell at me. It was worth it.

"So in the end I was right," Youngbae greeted us as soon as we were backstage in the dressing room. Jiyong was still laughing about it.

"That brat carried me bridal style!"

"Like a true princess," Youngbae chuckled. "Better you than me."

\----

     The three of us had talked of going out to dinner after the show, so when I recieved a call from my manager saying I needed to arrive in Tokyo that night, I had to put those plans aside and couldn't help but to feel disappointed. There was a typhoon making its way to Tokyo in the morning, so I had to be fast before it could hit.

The hyungs wished me well and I had to be on my way to the airport. Jiyong texted me as I boarded the plane with pictures of his dinner since he and Youngbae went out to eat without me. I realized I was starving, so I complained to him about showing off his food.

"I've gotta gain weight, Seungriyah!" he messaged me. "So that next time we meet, I'll be too heavy for you to carry."

I could only grimace down at the screen of my phone, replying,"But hyung, you looked so happy!"

He ignored that statement altogether. After a few minutes of waiting, I at last recieved the final reply from him before I would have to turn my phone off for the plane to take flight.

"Next time I want you in my arms instead. Go have your fun in Tokyo, make us proud, get some rest."

Just with that, I could already feel the heat flushing to my cheeks. As a flight attendant made her way down the aisles to make sure we were strapped in, I couldn't even find it in myself to meet her gaze, I was blushing so much.

And so, with a safe evening flight and a strong beating heart, I was on my way to fulfill my duties in Japan.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sources:  
> Sept 2 Running Man
> 
> Ri on SNL http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/seungri-seo-yur-filming-snl-korea-130905.html
> 
> videos with subs of Ri on SNL http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/seungri-snl-korea-translations.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/10/seungri-cuts-saturday-night-live-korea-130907-subbed.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/10/show-130921-seungris-despicable-street-skit-snl-korea-chuseok-special.html
> 
> Sept 5th GD's album releases and his Inkigayo comeback stage, "Dongsaeng's treat" http://nyongtori.tumblr.com/post/60344852841/fyeahseungri-seungris-gift-for-vips-who-came
> 
> Sept 8 Ri's fansign even with GD the fanboy http://www.soompi.com/2013/09/08/g-dragon-shows-his-inner-fanboy-for-seungri/#.U5s-MCjN4TA
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/seungris-2nd-fan-signing-fan-account.html
> 
> http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/g-dragon-seungri-fan-sign.html
> 
> Ji leaving SBS to go to Ri's fan sign event (same clothes) <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/g-dragon-sbs-inkigayo.html
> 
> Ri talks about ranking/competition http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/seungri-new-album-idol-groups.html
> 
> **This is really worth reading** http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/sr-interview.html
> 
> Sept 12 Ri announces rescheduling of Inkigayo pre- recording http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/seungri-inkigayo-pre-recording.html
> 
> because of this? http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/g-dragon-and-seungri-inkigayo.html
> 
> Sept 14 Ri's 3rd fansigning http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/facebook-seungris-3rd-fan-signing-event-130914-photos.html
> 
> Sept 15 Ji's fansigning a day later at the same place http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/g-dragon-handshake.html
> 
> Sept 15 Let's Talk About Love performance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXAyTGViZXk
> 
> Sept 15 Ri's Goodbye Stage, GD wins Inkigayo, Ri bridal carries GD <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_aMp2j1DiM
> 
> Sept 15 Ri's insta trolling http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/seungris-lets-talk-love-live-130915-photo.html
> 
> Sept 16 Ri starts Japan promotions http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/09/seung-chans-diary-stormy-night-130916-photos.html


End file.
